LIBRARY 

WirSRSffT  9f 
CAUKJiMA 
SAN  OfEGO 


A  FEW  NEIGHBORS 


THE  GREEK 
PROFESSOR 

with  whom 
we  have 
a  bout 

LATE  LAMENTED 
NEIGHBORS 
The 

stable  proprietor 
and  his 
truculent  canine 

OUR  ERSTWHILE 
FRIEND,  THE 
BLACKSMITH 

"A  generous 
but  fun-loving  soul  " 

A  FEW  NEIGHBORS 


BY 


HENRY  A.  SHUTE 


NEW  YORK 

Doubleday,  Page  C®,  Company 
1906 


Copyright,  1006,  by 
Doubleday,  Page  &  Company 
Published  April,  1906 


All  rights  reserved, 

including  that  of  translation  into  foreign  language!, 
including  the  Scandinavian 


CONTENTS 

CHAPTER  PAGE 

I     Our  Previous  Environment  .     .  5 

II     Our  Present  Neighborhood    .     .  13 

III  A  Fashionable  Rout      ....  19 

IV  The  Musical  Immortals     ...  31 
V    The  Beef  Trust 43 

VI     Our  Office 55 

VII     Our  Neighbors'  Children: 

The  Boys 70 

VIII     Our  Neighbors'  Children: 

The  Girls        82 

IX    Our  New  Neighborhood     ...  96 

X     Our  Migration 109 

XI     En  Route 123 

XII     The  Joys  of  Moving      ....  134 

XIII  Our  Water  Supply 147 

XIV  "False  Dawn" 158 

XV    We  Have  a  ' '  Small  and  Early' ' .  171 

XVI     A  Trade  in  Cows 183 

XVII  We  Give  a  Temperance  Address  198 

XVIII  "Correct  Form" 207 


OUR   PREVIOUS 
ENVIRONMENT 


CHAPTER  I. 

OUR  PREVIOUS  ENVIRONMENT. 

WE  have  moved  from  the  neighborhood 
in  which  we  have  lived  many 
years.  The  chief  cause  of  our  removal  was 
no  lack  of  appreciation  of  the  neighborhood 
in  our  own  heart,  but  a  sort  of  homesickness 
in  that  of  our  wife. 

She  had  come  from  a  city  where  people 
were  ceremonious,  civil  and  well-bred,  but 
here  were  no  neighbors  with  whom  one 
could  exchange  drawings  of  tea  and  hot  flat- 
irons,  (in  a  friendly  not  a  hostile  spirit)  and 
gossip,  and  the  thousand  and  one  civilities 
dear  to  the  feminine  heart.  On  the  contrary, 


6  A  Fezv  Neighbors 

we  lived  in  the  heart  of  the  livery  stable 
industry,  a  neighborhood  of  hotels  and  "Liv 
ery,  Boarding  and  Baiting  Stables,"  bounded 
on  the  north  by  the  back  of  a  tenement  house 
and  the  bay  window  of  a  small  dry  goods 
store,  which  our  wife  could  never  pass  with 
out  buying  an  unreasonable  number  of  wholly 
unnecessary  things;  on  the  east  by  back 
yards  and  sheds ;  on  the  south  by  a  tenement 
house  and  a  blacksmith  shop,  both  across  a 
narrow  street ;  and  on  the  west  by  two  livery 
stables  and  the  back  yard  of  a  large  hotel. 

It  was  a  lively  neighborhood  and  we  de 
rived  so  much  entertainment  and  amuse 
ment  from  it  as  a  boy,  that  we  look  back  to  it 
with  pleasure  and  affection. 

There  was  always  something  happening 
at  the  stable.  Either  the  rivalry  that  existed 
between  the  proprietors  prompted,  them  to 
keep  bull-dogs,  which  absorbed  the  envious 
and  bitter  spirit  of  their  masters,  and  fought 


A  Few  Neighbors  7 

savagely  every  time  they  met,  thus  further 
embroiling  their  masters,  and  furnishing  ad 
ditional  excitement;  or  hired-out  horses 
would  come  dashing  back  to  the  stable  with 
remnants  of  sidebar  buggies  dangling  at  their 
heels,  which  happened  with  extraordinary 
frequency. 

Again,  on  Sundays  and  pleasant  eve 
nings  in  the  warm  season,  the  proprietors 
and  their  horsey  friends  would  sit  in  front  of 
their  respective  places  of  business,  tilted 
back  in  chairs,  smoking  and  regaling  one  an 
other  with  choice  gossip  and  highly  flavored 
repartee,  occasionally  breaking  off  long 
enough  to  enter  the  stable  and  forcibly  eject 
some  drunken  ostler  who  was  taking  a  fall 
out  of  the  other  assistant  for  old  acquaint 
ance  sake.  As  the  ejected  one  always  came 
forth  with  marked  reluctance,  his  coat 
dragged  over  his  head  and  his  unwilling  feet 
sticking  stiffly  out  in  front  of  him,  scuffling 


8  A  Few  Neighbors 

noisily,  the  entertainment   afforded   to    the 
neighborhood  and  the  passers-by  was  lavish. 

The  blacksmiths,  too,  were  generous  souls 
who  frequently  gave  us  permission  to  pick  up 
scraps  of  waste  iron  possessed  of  a  certain 
exchange  value  at  the  hardware  stores.  Al 
most  always  there  were  among  these  some 
pieces  just  cut  from  hot  iron  bars,  which 
burned  us  dreadfully,  to  the  intense  amuse 
ment  of  these  fun-loving  gentlemen,  and  to 
our  no  less  intense  amazement. 

Frequently  and  with  horrid  profanity  they 
ducked  our  heads  in  the  water-trough  in 
which  they  tempered  their  irons,  when  out 
of  revenge,  in  their  temporary  absence  we 
heated  the  handles  of  their  tools  to  the 
boiling  point.  They  also  used  dreadful 
language  whenever  we  stood  at  a  safe  dis 
tance  and  shot  well-aimed  pellets  from  a 
sling,  which  caused  patient  horses  that  were 
being  shod,  to  rear  and  plunge  around  the 
shop. 


A  Few  Neighbors  9 

But  with  all  these  attractions  to  a  boy  of 
an  adventurous  and  inquiring  disposition,  it 
was  not  an  agreeable  neighborhood  for  a 
woman  with  a  taste  for  society  and  a  yearn 
ing  after  mental  improvement,  nor  for  chil 
dren  who  might  there  acquire  lingual  accom 
plishments  of  a  highly  undesirable  quality. 

Therefore  with  an  honest  desire  to  favor 
the  proper  development  of  our  children,  the 
ambitious  desires  of  our  wife,  and  our  own 
professional  advancement,  we  consented,  al 
though  with  repinings,  to  move. 

The  "Greek  Quarter"  in  our  town  is  so 
named  because  of  the  highly  intellectual  at 
tainments  of  its  residents,  among  whom  it 
has  the  good  fortune  to  number  several  pro 
fessors  of  the  Academy.  As  in  other  college 
or  school  towns,  the  professors,  the  assist 
ant  professors,  the  instructors  and  their 
wives  and  daughters  form  an  exclusive  inner 
circle,  to  enter  which  is  the  ambition  of  every 


lo  A  Few  Neighbors 

Vieux-Riche,  Nouveau-Riche,  or  Bourgeois. 

Why  this  is  so  we  cannot  say,  especially 
in  our  own  town.  Time  was  when  the  mem 
bers  of  families  of  acknowledged  antiquity 
and  worth  formed  an  exclusive  society,  but 
within  the  last  fifty  years,  as  the  descendants 
of  these  same  families  have  been  compelled 
to  earn  a  livelihood  in  the  more  prosaic  call 
ings  of  keeping  provision  or  grocery  stores, 
practising  medicine  or  law,  farming,  placing 
insurance,  painting,  or  peddling  fish,  the 
duty  of  maintaining  the  social  and  intellec 
tual  tone  of  the  town  has  been  thrust  on  the 
shoulders  of  the  Academy  faculty,  which  in 
addition  to  their  other  duties,  is  really  too 
bad. 

Since  the  personnel  of  this  Academy  fac 
ulty  was  of  a  heterogeneity  quite  impossible 
to  analyse  or  describe,  and  while  we  admired 
and  respected  them  individually  and  as  a 
glorious  whole,  we  demurred  somewhat 


A  Few  Neighbors  II 

about  prostrating  ourselves  utterly  before 
their  shrines,  especially  as  in  our  college 
days  we  had  made  the  personal  acquaintance 
of  and  had  sat  under  the  instruction  of  men 
almost  their  equal  in  their  special  lines  of 
study,  such  as  James  Russell  Lowell,  Fran 
cis  J.  Child,  William  James,  Ferdinand 
Bocher,  and  Francis  Bowen. 

Besides,  we  felt  that  there  were  other 
lines  of  thought  and  work  in  which  a  man 
might  exercise  his  intellectual  faculties  with 
as  much  credit  as  in  the  acquistion  and  dis 
semination  of  Greek,  Latin,  Mathematics 
and  the  natural  sciences. 

We  informed  our  wife  what  Lord  Eldon 
and  Justice  Blackstone  said  about  the  study 
of  law,  and  were  informed  by  her  that  she 
didn't  care  what  they  said  or  what  they 
thought,  that  her  experience  was  that  the 
practise  of  law  was  rewarded  with  a  very 
skimpy  income,  and  as  for  the  study  of  it, 


12  A  Few  Neighbors 

from  certain  intimations  she  had  received, 
she  was  reasonably  sure  that  we  had  never 
unduly  strained  our  po/werful  intellect  by 
studying  anything,  much  less  the  law. 

We  cited  instances  of  distinguished  and 
courteous  gentlemen  friends  of  ours,  who 
were  members  of  our  profession,  and  she  re 
torted  that  she  could  not  say  anything  about 
that  because  she  had  never  seen  them,  but 
from  her  observations  of  members  of  the  lo 
cal  bar,  certainly  the  study  and  practise  of 
the  law  had  failed  to  impart  a  polish  such  as 
is  acquired  by  a  knowledge  of  the  classics. 

While  we  were  inclined  to  demur  at  her 
conclusions,  we  felt  that  we  had  decidedly 
the  worst  of  the  argument,  and  so  deferring 
to  the  prevailing  opinion  in  the  community, 
we  sought  to  get  as  near  the  charmed  circle 
as  possible,  in  readiness  to  break  through 
whenever  an  opportunity  was  afforded. 


CHAPTER  II. 

OUR   PRESENT    NEIGHBORHOOD. 

WELL,  the  time  came  for  our  mi 
gration  and  with  the  assistance 
of  two  men  and  a  wheelbarrow  we 
transported  our  Lares  and  Penates  to 
our  domicile  in  what  may  be  known 
as  the  Greek  quarter.  We  are  de 
lighted  with  the  change.  In  place  of  brick 
and  mortar  walls  we  are  surrounded  by  fifty 
acres  of  field,  river,  swamp  and  woodland. 
In  place  of  zephyrs  from  the  stables,  we 
have  fog-laden  east  winds  from  our  rugged 
New  England  coast,  which  in  winter  blow 
directly  through  our  modest  dwelling  and 
cause  the  shuddering  quicksilver  of  our  ther 
mometer  to  retire  promptly  out  of  sight  at 
the  bottom  of  the  tube.  We  have  exchanged 


14  ^  Few  Neighbors 

the  yells  of  teamsters,  the  clatter  of  French 
visitors  at  the  blacksmith  shop,  the  clang  of 
the  anvil  and  the  squealing1  of  tortured 
horses,  for  the  merry  voices  of  children 
(about  thirty-six  of  the  neighborhood  accu 
mulation  critically  superintended  the  disem- 
barkment  of  our  goods  from  the  wheelbar 
row)  during  the  day,  and  for  a  sepulchral 
quiet  at  night,  suggestive  of  ghosts  and 
other  post  mortem  characters. 

We  admire  the  house  very  much,  although 
having  been  from  our  earliest  years  accus 
tomed  to  straight  stairs,  the  landings  bother 
us  a  good  deal,  especially  in  the  dark,  when 
we  are  frequently  brought  up  with  an  irri 
tating  jolt  against  stair  rails  or  corner  brack 
ets  that  appear  to  exercise  both  ingenuity 
and  malevolence  in  reaching  out  and  strik 
ing  us  in  unprotected,  super-sensitive  places. 

It  was  some  time  before  we  and  our  fam 
ily  got  used  to  the  polished  floor  of  the 


A  Few  Neighbors  15 

dining  room,  and  any  unguarded  or  abrupt 
entry  into  that  room  was  followed  by  vi 
brant  crash,  as  the  unfortunate  fell  to  the 
floor  with  terrific  violence. 

Knowing,  however,  that  the  path  to  social 
eminence  is  strewn  with  obstacles  often  in 
surmountable,  we  have  nursed  our  bruises, 
studied  faithfully  our  book  on  "Correct 
Form,"  put  on  high  collars  and  (when  we 
didn't  forget  it)  tried  hard  to  keep  our  shoul 
ders  back. 

The  neighborhood  is  clean,  quiet,  and 
much  more  than  "eminently  respectable."  It 
is  remarkable  for  dignity,  solidity,  impor 
tance,  and  is,  moreover,  distinctly  literary. 

There  is,  of  course,  the  member  of  the  bar 
bowed  beneath  the  weight  of  learning,  the 
medical  authority,  the  high  churchman,  and 
the  author,  several  professors  connected  with 
the  leading  educational  institutions  of  the 
town,  active  and  retired  business  men,  music 


1 6  A  Few  Neighbors 

teachers,    instructors    in    art,    in    short   the 
usual  assortment  to  be  found  in  the    good 
quarter  of  a  college  town. 
DRESS. 

The  question  of  dress  has  been  a  fruitful 
subject  of  discussion  in  our  family.  It  is 
contended  by  our  wife  that  we  do  not  dress 
well.  This  is  true,  we  do  not.  As  a  boy  we 
were  clad  in  the  cast-off  garments  of  our 
elders,  made  over  by  an  old  lady  whose  en 
tire  outfit  consisted  of  a  pair  of  shears,  a 
darning  needle,  some  yellow  wax  and  a  ball 
of  pack  thread.  Her  sole  idea  of  style  and 
fit  was  derived  from  the  baggy  and  mis- 
shapened  garments  of  her  helpmate,  a  bowed 
and  snuffy  old  gentleman  of  eighty  years. 

As  a  youth,  we  were  so  rarely  treated  to 
a  new  suit  that  an  event  of  the  kind  was 
openly  commented  on  by  our  friends.  We 
were  embarrassed  and  made  dreadfully  un 
happy  by  our  glaring  publicity  and  we  have 


A  Few  Neighbors  17 

never  got  over  this  feeling.  We  admire  good 
clothes,  but  dread  wearing  them,  and  in  the 
rare  periods  of  our  life  that  are  marked  by 
the  advent  of  a  new  hat,  we  are  reduced  to 
confusion  by  the  mildest  comment  on  the 
same. 

Corduroys  suited  us.  They  were  warm  in 
winter  and  cool  in  summer,  they  were 
smooth  and  adaptable  to  every  movement; 
they  were  unobtrusive  and  homelike,  and  it 
was  in  bitterness  of  spirit  that  we  laid  them 
aside. 

Most  of  the  men  in  our  neighborhood 
dress  well.  On  Sundays  and  festal  occa 
sions  immaculatePrinceAlberts  and  silk  hats 
are  by  no  means  infrequent.  As  the  season 
grows  colder,  box  overcoats  appear,  and  we 
are  on  the  watch  for  the  gradual  invasion 
of  spats.  As  yet  nobody  has  appeared  in 
them,  but  we  still  look  for  them  confidently, 
and  even  go  so  far  as  to  hope  that  we  may 
not  go  through  life  spatless  ourself. 


1 8  A  Few  Neighbors 

CLASSICS. 

Many  of  our  neighbors  have  been  abroad, 
and  their  knowledge  of  foreign  tongues  is 
polyglot.  Both  the  dead  and  living  lan 
guages  are  read  and  spoken  fluently.  Greek, 
Latin,  Sanscrit,  Old  English,  Anglo-Saxon, 
French,  German,  Spanish  and  Italian  are 
fluently  championed.  Indeed,  some  of  our 
neighbors  have  written  books,  as  well  as  ar 
ticles  both  scientific  and  educational,  and 
some  are  even  now  engaged  in  well  defined 
efforts  to  revolutionize  educational  methods 
by  new  and  complete  works  of  great  philo 
logical  value. 

Thus  in  the  midst  of  surroundings  of  so 
bewildering  a  nature,  we  are  slowly  becom 
ing  acclimated,  gradually  coming,  like  in 
fants,  to  feel  our  feet  and  to  walk  a  little. 
Of  our  success  and  failures  we  shall  speak 
later  in  detail. 


CHAPTER  III. 

A  FASHIONABLE  ROUT. 

WE  had  been  in  our  new  neighborhood 
for  a  few  weeks  and  had  been  well 
received  by  the  neighbors,  many  of  whom, 
irreproachably  gowned  and  gloved,  had 
called  on  our  wife.  As  these  calls  had  been 
for  the  most  part  in  the  afternoon,  she  was 
spared  any  mortification  that  our  unguarded 
remarks  or  seedy  appearance  mignt  have 
caused  her.  But  an  invitation  to  the  law 
yer's  house  to  meet  some  social  lion  opened 
up  to  the  eyes  of  our  wife  almost  unlimited 
opportunities  in  either  direction.  This  was 
duly  impressed  on  us  by  our  helpmeet,  and 
we  were  made  to  understand  clearly  that 
upon  our  conduct  and  appearance  everything 
depended.  Either  our  star  would  be  in  the 

'9 


2O  A  Few  Neighbors 

ascendant,  or  like  the  "Star  of  treason"  in 
the  reading  book,  would  "Descend  to  etern 
al  night." 

With  the  view  of  avoiding  this  hideous 
contingency,  we  set  ourselves  to  work  to  un 
dergo  a  vigorous  course  of  mental  training 
to  meet  all  demands  of  an  intellectual  na 
ture  that  might  be  made  upon  us.  We  re 
flected  that  we  should  meet  the  Greek  pro 
fessor,  and  at  once  waded  into  the  Greek 
articles  "de"  and  "en"  which  we  vaguely  re 
membered  to  have  been  a  fruitful  subject  of 
discussion  in  our  far  away  school  days. 

We  considered  the  probability  of  meeting 
the  Professor  of  Ancient  History,  and  to 
avoid  the  untoward  results  of  a  fall  at  the 
hands  of  this  gentleman,  we  hunted  up  an 
old  volume  of  Freeman's  "Outlines  of  His 
tory"  and  fell  to  with  determination. 

We  knew  that  our  French  had  been  hope 
lessly  corrupted  by  our  business  association 


A   Few  Neighbors  21 

with  brickyard  Canadians,  and  we  took  a 
mental  oath  not  to  be  led  into  any  discussion 
with  the  French  Instructor,  that  called  for 
quotations  in  that  tongue.  We  had  mental 
reservations  of  equal  pungency  as  to  our 
ability  to  converse  in  the  gutteral  accents  of 
Deutschland,  and  so  decided  after  deep 
thought  to  avoid  anything  like  an  open  en 
gagement  with  the  German  Instructor,  but 
to  confine  ourself  to  a  mild  discussion  of  the 
relative  influence  of  Kant  and  Hegel  from  a 
psychological  point  of  view. 

Hector  Berlioz'  "Modern  Orchestration" 
gave  us  some  ideas,  chiefly  dyspeptic,  of  the 
progress  in  musical  thought,  while  Lessing's 
"Laocoon,"  a  vague  reminiscence  of  our 
school  days,  furnished  us  with  mental  pabu 
lum  of  an  artistic  nature. 

In  this  way  did  we  strive  to  fit  ourself,  at 
least  partially,  to  pass  the  social  examination 
that  we  felt  was  before  us. 


22  A   Few  Neighbors 

Another  thing  that  disturbed  us  was  the 
necessity  for  wearing  a  dress  coat.  Our 
wildest  ambition  had  never  before  soared 
above  a  cut-away.  On  one  occasion,  to  at 
tend  a  funeral,  we  had,  in  deference  to  the 
occasion,  purchased  a  Prince  Albert  and  a 
white  necktie,  in  which  we  arrayed  ourself, 
and  we  shall  never  forget  how,  when  our 
carriage  by  mistake  or  design  had  left  us 
a  mile  from  our  house,  we  strode  homeward, 
amid  the  outspoken  comment  of  the  popu 
lace,  which  wondered  but  rejoiced  exceed 
ingly  over  our  metamorphosis. 

Therefore,  although  we  chafed  sorely 
over  this  necessity,  we  yielded,  as  so  many 
before  us  have  yielded,  to  the  force  of  cir 
cumstances. 

When  the  evening  came  for  the  social 
event,  we  were  keyed  up  to  the  highest  poini., 
possibly  a  trifle  overtrained,  but  scenting 
battle  and  eager  for  the  trial.  True,  our  un- 


A   Few  Neighbors  23 

familiar  harness  put  us  at  a  disadvantage, 
(we  are  never  so  comfortable  as  when  we 
have  our  hands  in  our  pockets),  and  we  must 
confess  that  we  were  a  trifle  nervous  and  a 
little  muddled  by  the  manifold  directions  of 
our  wife,  who  displayed  a  deplorable  lack  of 
confidence  in  our  generalship. 

Owing  to  the  extended  and  tiresome  in 
junctions  of  our  wife,  most  of  the  guests  had 
arrived  when  we  were  announced,  and  the 
din  of  general  conversation  was  deafening. 
This  tended  to  put  us  at  our  ease,  and  as  we 
were  hospitably  and  pleasantly  welcomed  by 
our  host  we  soon  commenced  to  chirp  and 
try  our  wings  a  little.  We  had  heard  that 
a  good  listener  often  gets  the  reputation  of 
being  a  brilliant  talker,  and  had  we  acted  on 
that  principle  all  would  have  been  well.  But 
we  were  so  loaded  down  with  miscellaneous 
information  acquired  during  our  week  of  toil, 
that  we  must  needs  unload  a  little  for  the 


24  A  Few  Neighbors 

benefit  of  someone,  and  so,  after  seeing  our 
wife  engaged  in  earnest  conversation  with  a 
distinguished  doctor  of  divinity  over  Wely's 
offertoire  in  E  flat,  and  the  prospect  of  a  vox 
humana  in  the  new  organ,  we  proceeded  to 
tackle  the  Greek  Professor. 

WE  MAKE  THINGS  LIVELY  FOR  THE  PROFES 
SOR  OF  GREEK. 

Now  the  Greek  Professor  wanted  to  talk 
about  his  baby  boy's  predilection  for  running 
away,  causing  the  neighborhood  to  or 
ganize  frequently  into  searching  parties,  and 
we  should  have  encouraged  him,  but 
we  artfully  turned  the  conversation  to 
Greek  and  delivered  the  first  blow,  a 
swinging  right  intended  for  a  knock 
out,  upon  Xenophon's  use  of  the  article  "de." 
The  Professor  ducked  nimbly  and  countered 
with  a  dissertation  on  the  "Reason  for  the 
early  disuse  of  the  digamma." 

This  was  a  staggerer  for  us,   and  as   we 


A   Few  Neighbors  25 

knew  nothing  about  the  digamma  we  came 
up  very  groggy  and  sparred  cautiously  to 
regain  our  wind.  As  the  Professor  was  him 
self  a  little  winded  from  his  exertions,  we 
put  in  an  upper  cut  in  the  shape  of  an  argu 
ment  that,  while  until  recently  the  weight  of 
authority  was  with  the  Professor,  Professor 
Littleoffski,  of  the  University  of  St.  Peters 
burg,  had  written  a  dissertation  in  which  he 
claimed  that  the  digamma  was  used  as  late 
as  the  Christian  era. 

This  proved  an  extinguisher  for  the  Pro 
fessor  and  he  promptly  went  down  and  out, 
and  we  turned  to  demolish  a  new  opponent. 

WE  ENGAGE   THE   PROFESSOR  OF  ANGLO 
SAXON. 

We  met  him  in  the  person  of  Professor  of 
English  and  Anglo  Saxon,  a  most  dignified 
and  courteous  gentleman  of  about  our  age. 
Like  the  Professor  of  Greek,  this  gentleman 
was  peaceably  inclined  and  showed  a  marked 


26  A  Few  Neighbors 

preference  for  conversation  upon  topics  that 
ordinarily  would  have  interested  us  keenly, 
but  his  innate  courtesy  would  not  allow  him 
to  baulk  our  evident  desire  to  discuss  the 
radical  kinship  existing  between  the  Anglo 
Saxon  and  the  ancient  German  dialects,  and 
the  influence  on  the  former  of  the  seven 
invasions  of  England  by  the  Teutonic  races. 
We  found  the  Professor  so  well  posted  on 
this  subject  that  we  were  put  to  great  straits 
to  maintain  our  position.  Seeing  our  dis 
tress,  the  Professor  pressed  us  so  hard  that 
we  were  rapidly  breaking  ground,  when  as  if 
by  inspiration  we  staggered  the  Professor  by 
claiming  with  much  apparent  frankness,  that 
while  we  did  not  doubt  the  Professor's  pro 
found  erudition  on  a  subject  about  which  we 
knew  but  little,  we  were  quite  sure  that  Da- 
fydd  ab  Gwilym,  one  of  the  leading  Welsh 
poets  and  scholars,  took  the  opposite  view, 
and  we  completed  his  bewilderment  by  im- 


A   Few  Neighbors  27 

provising  the  following  sweet  little  Welsh 
gem,  in  support  of  our  proposition : 

"Fjrrd  glymra  edrijj  gnuirrg 
Balr  kymric  dnaric  edulbrrj." 

The  Professor  was  utterly  unable  to  an 
swer  this  argument  and  retired  in  great  dis 
order,  while  several  of  the  guests  who  were 
listening  to  the  discussion  regarded  us  with 
deepest  veneration. 

THE  BURSTING  OF  THE  BUBBLE. 

For  a  while  our  efforts  to  engage  someone 
in  discussion  upon  scientific  or  classical 
points  were  fruitless,  as  the  guests  for  some 
reason,  unaccountable  to  us,  preferred  to 
talk  on  topics  of  everyday  interest,  golf,  foot 
ball,  rummage  sales,  politics  or  housekeep 
ing. 

But  at  last  we  succeeded  in  getting  the 
Professor  of  History  into  a  corner  and  at 
once  engaged  him.  For  a  while  he  kept  us 


28  A   Fczu  Neighbors 

from  historical  discussion  by  artfully  talking 
about  his  horse  and  trying  to  awaken  an  in 
terest  in  the  subject  by  asking  us  what  had 
become  of  our  riding  pony  and  other  ques 
tions  of  common  and  kindly  interest,  but  in 
vain,  for  we  deftly  turned  the  conversation 
to  historical  topics  by  drawing  a  parallel  be 
tween  the  modern  Kentucky  singlefooter  and 
the  sumpter  mule  that  Alexander  rode  in  his 
campaigns. 

To  this  the  Professor  of  History,  now 
fairly  at  bay,  took  exception,  claiming  that 
Alexander  never  rode  a  mule,  but  that,  on 
occasions  of  actual  battle,  he  descended  from 
a  gorgeous  palanquin  and  mounted  a  mag 
nificent  charger. 

Several  sharp  exchanges  took  place  be 
tween  us,  in  which  the  Professor  of  History, 
thoroughly  at  home  in  his  subject,  had  rath 
er  the  advantage,  and  the  discussion  attract 
ed  several  persons  to  our  vicinity,  among 


A  Few  Neighbors  29 

whom  was  the  Professor  of  Greek.  Wish 
ing  to  demonstrate  the  correctness  of  our 
theory  and  to  extinguish  the  Professor  of 
History,  we  remarked  that  we  were  quite 
correct  in  our  premises,  having  recently  read 
it  in  the  original  Latin  of  Demosthenes. 

There  was  a  dreadful  pause,  broken  by 
the  clear  and  incisive  accents  of  the  Profes 
sor  of  Greek,  who  said  dryly,  "Mr.  S —  is 
indeed  fortunate  in  being  singled  out  for  the 
unique  distinction  of  having  read  Demos 
thenes  in  the  original  Latin.  Such  of  us 
who  have  read  him  only  in  the  Greek  con 
gratulate  our  friend." 

The  circle  broke  up  and  we  were  left 
standing  with  a  ringing  in  our  ears  and  a 
blur  before  our  eyes  through  which  we  dim 
ly  discerned  the  crimsoned  countenance  of 
our  wife,  who  had  approached  the  group  in 
time  to  witness  our  discomfiture. 


30  A  Few  Neighbors 

SYMPATHY  WITH   THE   AFFLICTED. 

The  arrival  of  refreshments  diverted  ats 
tention  from  us,  and  we  improved  the  occa 
sion  to  take  a  hurried  walk. 

"Forth  from  out  of  the  mighty  forest 
Rushed  the  maddened  Hiawatha." 

On  our  return  we  hung  around  the  entry 
and  kept  very  quiet  until  the  time  came  for 
our  departure.  As  we  walked  musingly  and 
sadly  homeward,  our  wife  feelingly  re 
marked  that  if  we  had  paid  as  much  atten 
tion  to  our  book  on  "Correct  Form"  as  we 
had  to  looking  up  information  about  which 
nobody  cared,  we  should  have  known,  with 
out  having  everyone  laughing  at  us,  that  it 
was  not  the  proper  thing  to  button  up  our 
dress  coat. 

And  thus  we  were  forcibly  brought  to  a 
realizing  sense  of  the  truth  of  Scott's  lines : 
"Oh,  woman  in  our  hour  of  ease, 

When  pain  and  anguish  wring  the  brow 
A  ministering  angel  thou." 


CHAPTER  IV. 

THE  MUSICAL  IMMORTALS. 

ONE  peculiarity  of  our  neighbors  is 
that  they  insist  upon  having  the  best 
of  everything  within  the  limits  of  their 
purses.  They  are  careful  not  to  overstep 
that  limit,  having  in  mind  Micawber's  ad 
vice  to  David  Copperfield,  "Annual  income 
twenty  pounds,  annual  expenditure  nineteen 
six ;  result,  happiness.  Annual  income  twen 
ty  pounds,  annual  expenditure  twenty 
pounds  ought  and  six ;  result,  misery." 

The  result  is  they  are  prosperous,  happy, 
and  enjoy  to  the  utmost  the  best  of  the  good 
things  within  their  reach.  It  is  sometimes  a 
question  with  us  if  they  are  not  too  progres 
sive  even  in  their  enjoyments.  For  instance, 
is  it  necessary  to  abandon  Mark  Twain, 

31 


32  A  Few  Neighbors 

dette  and  Bill  Nye,  because  we  prefer  Stock 
ton,  and  do  we  not  lose  on  the  whole  by  turn 
ing  a  deaf  ear  to  Balfe,  Rossini,  Verdi, 
Suppe  and  Sullivan,  because  we  are  deter 
mined  to  cultivate  a  taste  for  Tschaikowski, 
Greig,  Svendsen  and  McDowell? 

This  was  our  thought  after  having 
attended  an  evening  given  under  the 
auspices  of  the  fites  Vous  Musicians" 
Club,  recently  born  in  our  neighborhood. 
This  club  consists  of  forty  fair  women 
and  brave  men  whose  souls  are  attuned 
to  harmony,  and  whose  admission  to 
the  club  depends  partly  upon  their  ability  or 
willingness  to  contribute  the  modest  stipend 
necessary  to  the  accumulation  of  a  fund  to 
procure  the  attendance  of  professional  and 
distinguished  amateurs;  and  partly  upon 
their  eligibility,  either  as  musicians  or  music 
lovers,  or  their  desirability  in  having  houses 
conveniently  adapted  for  musical  evenings, 
and  pianos  of  recent  vintage. 


A   Few  Neighbors  33 

Several  times  during  the  season  a  musical 
evening  is  held  at  the  home  of  one  or  other 
of  the  members;  the  person  throwing  open 
his  house  and  his  piano,  being  assisted  by 
the  other  members  contributing  refresh 
ments.  These  evenings  are  both  enjoyable 
and  instructive,  and  the  only  change  in  the 
schedule  has  been  the  gradual  abolition  of 
the  refreshment  contributions.  Most  host 
esses  prefer  to  have  entire  charge  of  that  de 
partment  after  one  experience  in  contribu 
tions  ranging  from  Sultana  rolls  to  caraway 
seedcakes. 

WE  ARE  WILLING  TO  PROMOTE  MATTERS. 

We  attended  the  preliminary  meeting.  We 
had  been  in  youth  a  performer  of  consider 
able  vigor  upon  certain  wind  instruments  of 
brass  or  wood,  and  so  generous  in  dissemi 
nating  the  fruits  of  our  skill  at  church  soci 
ables  and  small  local  entertainments  that  the 
projectors  of  these  entertainments  had  had 


34  ^  Few  Neighbors 

great  difficulty  in  escaping  from  our  benefac 
tions,  and  had  been  finally  forced  to  remon 
strate  with  us. 

So  when  it  was  suggested  at  this  meeting 
that  the  club  should  procure  the  services  of 
some  instrumental  performers,  we  suggested, 
from  a  real  desire  to  do  a  friendly  action,  a 
willingness  on  our  part  to  perform  a  solo 
upon  the  tuba.  This  offer  was  courteously 
received,  but  it  caused  evident  consternation, 
and  we  were  politely  informed  that  the  tuba, 
while  a  good  vehicle  for  the  interpretations 
of  Sousa,  or  Thatcher,  Primrose  &  West, 
quite  failed  to  convey  the  musical  thoughts 
expressed  in  the  compositions  of  Beethoven, 
Mozart  or  Saint-Saens. 

This  rebuff,  however,  did  not  diminish 
our  interest  in  the  club,  and  we  were  on 
hand  in  good  season  for  the  initial  perform 
ance — perhaps  a  little  too  early,  our  wife 
rather  coldly  said,  when  our  unexpected  ar- 


A    Few    Neighbors  35 

rival  caused  a  tremendous  scrambling  to  fol 
low  our  ring.  We  were  admitted  by  a 
flushed  and  breathless  young  lady  and 
shown  into  the  music  room.  In  a  few  mo 
ments  our  host  and  hostess  appeared,  and 
with  true  courtesy  took  the  blame  for  being 
late  upon  their  own  shoulders. 

One  by  one  the  guests  appeared,  and  with 
them  the  musicians.  We  have  neglected  to 
mention  that  a  violinist  and  cellist  had  been 
engaged,  but,  to  save  expense  to  the  club, 
our  wife  had  been  depended  on  to  furnish 
the  piano  part  of  the  entertainment.  She 
had  received  the  music  by  express  from  the 
violinist,  and  had  for  several  days  occupied 
all  her  spare  time  in  doing  hideous  and  un 
speakable  things  on  her  piano. 

ART  FOR  ART'S  SAKE. 

The  chief  attraction  of  the  evening  was  to 
be  a  trio  for  violin,  cello  and  piano,  a  classic 
of  acknowledged  excellence  and  full  of  rec- 


36  A  Few  Neighbors 

ondite  ideas.  We  could  not  quite  fathom 
the  intention  of  the  author  expressed  in  the 
work,  and  so  cannot  give  anything  more 
than  a  description  of  the  piece  as  it  appeared 
to  us. 

The  three  instruments  started  off  together 
and  ran  side  by  side  with  amiable  unanimity, 
but  soon  the  violin  left  the  others  and 
climbed  to  an  astonishing  elevation,  leaving 
the  piano  gazing  after  it  in  silent  amaze 
ment,  while  the  cello  hoarsely  begged  it  to. 
descend.  This  in  musical  parlance  is  called 
a  cadenza.  The  violin  descended  very  grace 
fully  about  half  the  distance,  when,  becom 
ing  uncertain  of  its  foothold,  the  cello  and 
piano  sprang  to  its  assistance  and  the  three 
came  down  with  dizzy  speed,  landing  in  a 
heap  with  a  deafening  crash  of  diminished 
sevenths. 

The  violin  was  the  first  to  disentangle 
itself.  It  wailed  pitifully  molto  doloroso  solo, 


A  Few  Neighbors  37 

answered  after  awhile  by  deep  groans  from 
the  cello  and  soft  chords  from  the  piano. 

Presently  they  all  felt  better,  and  the  violin 
led  them  a  merry  chase  con  agilita,  while  the 
cello  skipped  over  the  chromatic  scale  forte 
mezzo,  both  trying  to  distance  the  piano, 
which  refused  to  be  shaken  off,  and  struck  a 
steady  pace,  boom  tink-a-tink-tink,  boom 
tink-a-tink-tink,  boom  a-tink,  tink,  tink,  tink, 
tink,  tink,  tink,  a  tempo  giusto  to  the  end  of 
the  movement,  when  the  cello  gravely  re 
proved  the  violin  and  showed  considerable 
irritation  over  the  matter,  got  real  mad,  in 
fact,  molto  furioso.  The  violin  answered 
the  cello  con  dellcatezza,  and  was  joined  by 
the  piano  grandioso  et  con  expressione,  but 
this  had  no  effect  on  the  cello,  which  still 
said  a  good  many  things  that  had  better 
have  been  left  unsaid. 

Finally  the  violin,  growing  tired  of  this, 
whispered  softly  a  moment  to  the  piano,  and 


38  A  Few  Neighbors 

both  started  at  a  terrific  pace,  leaving  the 
cello  to  cut  frantically  round  a  corner  to  keep 
up  with  the  procession,  and  by  a  succession 
of  desperate  sprints  to  succeed  finally  in  get 
ting  upon  even  terms  with  the  other  two, 
who  were  making  the  race  of  their  lives  for 
the  first  position. 

The  violin  tore  over  the  shrieking  chro 
matics  until  its  bow  became  red  hot  and 
smoked  like  a  stuffed  chimney;  the  cello 
fought  its  way  through  a  maze  of  musical 
underbrush  until  sparks  fell  in  showers  from 
its  G  string,  while  the  piano  in  its  hasty 
flight  shed  sharps  and  flats,  cast  aside  aug 
mented  sixths,  minor  thirds,  primes,  domi 
nant  sevenths,  tonic  sol  fas  and  all  other  mu 
sical  impedimenta  that  tended  to  retard  its 
speed. 

On  they  went,  straining  every  nerve,  until 
just  as  the  excitement  was  getting  insupport 
able  there  was  a  momentary  pause  at  the  last 


A  Fezu  Neighbors  39 

bar,  the  violin  leaped  high  in  air,  the  cello 
crawled  under  it,  and  the  piano  crashed 
through  it,  scattering  broken  chords  in  every 
direction,  and  all  three  breasted  the  tape  side 
by  side  in  an  appalling  uproar  of  shrieks, 
growls  and  rumbles. 

How  the  people  clapped,  how  they  shouted 
"bravo,"  "bravissimo,"  and  how  we  also  said 
"bravo,"  and  would  have  said  "bravissimo," 
but  for  fear  of  being  hopelessly  entangled  in 
the  syllables.  We  were  delighted  and  openly 
proclaimed  that  fact,  in  truth  we  proclaimed 
it  several  times  in  order  to  be  quite  sure  of  it 
ourselves,  and  to  drown  our  unspoken  regret 
over  the  tuba  episode. 

THE    HUMAN    VOICE   THE    NOBLEST   INSTRU 
MENT. 

When  we  had  recovered  sufficiently  to 
glance  at  our  programme,  we  found  that  the 
next  piece  was  a  song  for  soprano,  and  as 
we  looked  up  we  saw  that  the  lady  in  ques- 


4O  A  Few  Neighbors 

tion  had  already  taken  her  place,  while  the 
music  teacher  was  playing  a  beautiful,  rip 
pling  prelude,  calculated  to  put  the  soprano 
at  her  ease  and  to  adjure  her  not  to  be  in  the 
least  afraid  of  anyone. 

Her  confidence  reassured  by  this  gentle 
encouragement,  the  soprano  asserted  in  a 
clear,  melodious  warble: 

"  Donatemi  un  organo  di  mano  ed  uno  stiletto." 
There  being  nobody  to  dispute  her,  the 
pianiste,  through  the  medium  of  her  instru 
ment,  replied  that  she  didn't  know  really,  but 
that  there  was  probably  some  good  reason. 
The  soprano,  thus  encouraged,  proceeded  to 
insist  vehemently : 

"Ah,  perche  sono  imbecillita  condonata?" 

To  which  the  pianiste  replied  that  sfie 
thought  so  too,  and  that  the  matter  ought  to 
be  attended  to  at  once. 

Things  got  worse  instead  of  better,  the 


A    Few   Neighbors  41 

soprano  becoming  almost  hysterical,  and  the 
pianiste  keeping-  up  a  running  commentary, 
highly  sympathetic  and  encouraging  to  the 
soprano,  who  finally  used  up  all  her  kinetic 
energy  in  a  sustained  whoop  in  C  natural, 
while  the  pianiste's  hands  flew  from  one  end 
of  the  keyboard  to  the  other  in  her  ready 
womanly  sympathy  with  one  in  trouble. 

Again  we  shouted  "bravo,"  again  we 
clapped  vigorously,  and  again  we  beamed 
round  upon  the  audience  as  if  to  assure  them 
that  we  understood  it  all. 

During  the  refreshments  we  took  occasion 
to  congratulate  personally  all  the  performers 
and  to  assure  the  host  and  hostess  that  it 
was  really  delightful,  "So  different,  you 
know,  from  the  popular  class  of  entertain 
ments  in  which  true  musical  interpretation  is 
too  often  sacrificed  to  mere  technical  virtuos- 
ity." 

Then  we  went  homeward,  stepping  high, 


42  A  Few  Neighbors 

in  great  good  humor  with  ourselves  and  con 
scious  that  we  were  beginning  to  appreciate 
really  good  music,  and  to  turn  a  cold  shoul 
der  to  mere  insensate  melody. 


CHAPTER  V. 

THE  BEEF  TRUST. 

WHEN  and  where  the  conspiracy  was 
hatched  we  never  have  been  able  to 
find  out,  but  we  are  inclined  to  think  it  was 
first  broached  at  the  Frauenverein,  a  univer 
sal  knowledge  association  to  which  our  wife 
and  other  misguided  but  ambitious  women 
belonged. 

The  subject  that  day  had  been  the  "Boston 
Tea  Party,"  and  the  members  had  been  con 
sidering,  furthermore,  resistance  to  unlawful 
oppression  of  every  kind.  As  generally  hap 
pens  in  the  discussions  of  ladies  who  are  col 
lectively  responsible  for  the  existence  of 
some  thirty-six  children,  and  the  mainten 
ance  of  a  round  dozen  of  happy  American 
homes,  thoughts  at  once  turned  to  the  exac 
tions  of  grocers,  butchers  and  other  dealers 

43 


44  A   Few  Neighbors 

in  the  supplies  upon  which  the  maintenance 
of  these  homes  and  the  existence  of  these 
children  depend. 

A  particular  grievance  enlarged  upon  vras 
the  unusually  high  price  the  neighborhood  is 
in  the  habit  of  paying  the  local  provision 
dealers  for  unreasonably  small  and  appal 
lingly  tough  cuts  of  beef. 

One  lady,  whose  family  is  numerous  and 
hearty  to  an  astonishing  degree,  declared 
that  it  was  "positively  dreadful"  the  sum  of 
money  she  had  to  pay  out  of  her  weekly  al 
lowance  for  meat.  Another,  whose  early 
life  had  been  spent  in  the  west,  where  prime 
cuts  are  supposed  to  grow  on  bushes,  and 
tenderloins  to  be  raised  without  difficulty  in 
window  gardens,  declared  the  quality  of 
meat  provided  in  Exeter  to  be  so  exceedingly 
poor,  that  in  the  three  years  she  had  been  in 
New  England  she  had  not  succeeded  in  buy 
ing  a  decent  roast. 


A  Few  Neighbors  45 

Upon  this,  another  lady,  who  claimed  a 
large  share  of  the  juvenile  population  of  the 
neighborhood,  explained  that  some  of  the 
"N'Yorkers"  and  Bostonians  bought  the 
goods  they  needed  in  large  quantities,  and 
therefore  at  such  prices  as  effectually  pro 
tected  them  from  the  rapacity  and  extortion 
of  local  dealers.  She  did  not  see  why  they 
could  not  begin  to  administer  their  house 
hold  affairs  in  a  similar  co-operative  fashion, 
and  if  successful,  and  of  course  there  could 
be  no  doubt  about  that,  to  increase  gradually 
their  dealings  so  as  to  embrace,  not  only 
household  supplies,  but  pianos,  furniture, 
clothing,  sealskin  sacques,  watches,  articles 
of  virtu  and  precious  stones. 

The  scheme  interested  the  ladies  very 
much,  and  the  foundations  were  then  and 
there  laid  of  a  plan  calculated,  not  only  to 
revolutionize  the  law  of  supply  and  demand 
in  every  quarter  of  the  town,  but  materially 


46  A  Few  Neighbors 

to  increase  the  purchasing  power  of  every 
dollar  that  passed  into  the  hands  of  its  praise 
worthy  originators  and  architects. 

Several  meetings  were  held  by  the  ladies, 
the  details  of  which  we  have  never  been  able 
to  obtain,  but  the  momentous  results  we 
know,  our  whole  neighborhood  having  ex 
perienced  their  full  measure  of  bitterness. 

The  first  sign  of  anything  out  of  the  com 
mon  having  transpired,  appeared  one  day  in 
the  early  cold  weather  when  we  returned 
somewhat  unexpectedly  from  our  office  to 
our  home  to  get  the  office  key ;  it  being  one 
of  our  eccentricities  to  leave  our  office  key  at 
the  house  and  to  be  obliged  to  return  for  it, 
thinking  and  sometimes  saying  dreadful 
things.  On  this  particular  occasion  we  no 
ticed  a  two-horse,  covered  conveyance  being 
driven  away  from  the  house,  followed  by 
three  dogs  with  heads  erect  in  the  sniffing 
manner  peculiar  to  dogs  in  pursuit  of  a 
butcher's  cart. 


A    Few    Neighbors  47 

On  entering  we  found  the  kitchen  table 
loaded  with  a  prodigious  amount  of  fresh 
beef,  which  we  were  informed  was  all  ten 
derloin,  and  from  one  animal,  bought  at  a 
greatly  reduced  price. 

Although  the  possibility  of  one  hundred 
pounds  of  tenderloin  from  one  animal  rather 
conflicted  with  our  ideas  of  the  anatomy  of 
"beef  critters"  gained  from  our  studies  of 
comparative  anatomy  and  physiology  of  ver 
tebrates,  and  could  only  be  explained  on  the 
ground  that  the  animal  in  question  must 
have  been  afflicted  with  elephantiasis  of  the 
tenderloin  district,  we  said  nothing  harsh, 
but  bowed  our  back  beneath  the  load  of  beef 
as  we  obediently  lugged  it  upstairs  to  a  cold 
closet,  making  several  trips  for  the  purpose, 
while  our  wife  complacently  explained  to  us 
how,  by  the  expenditure  of  eight  dollars  and 
forty-six  cents,  she  had  saved  at  least  four 
dollars  and  thirty-two  cents,  possibly  more. 


48  A   Fczv  Neighbors 

She  also  informed  us  that  several  other 
ladies  in  the  neighborhood,  whose  names  out 
of  respect  to  their  families  we  firmly  decline 
to  publish,  were  parties  to  this  nefarious  un 
dertaking,  and  had  also  taken  stock  in  the 
trust  for  a  large  amount  in  pounds,  both 
avoirdupois  and  sterling. 

We  said  more,  and  on  our  return  to  din 
ner  found  a  juicy  roast  awaiting  us.  Albeit 
a  trifle  tough,  it  was  very  fair  and  we  felt 
constrained  to  compliment  our  wife  by  eat 
ing  a  huge  amount.  At  supper,  contrary  to 
our  usual  custom,  we  had  "Boeuf  a  la  mode," 
with  beef  croquettes,  so  we  went  to  bed  with 
the  hiccoughs  and  arose  in  the  morning  with 
our  mouth  tasting  as  if  we  had  eaten  a  light 
ed  firecracker. 

Our  breakfast  consisted  of  beefsteak 
smothered  in  onions,  and  we  noticed  during 
the  morning  that  the  usual  visitors  to  our  of- 


A  Few  Neighbors  49 

fice  made  extraordinarily  short  visits.     Our 
dinner  consisted  of: 

Soupe  de  boeuf  a  merveille, 
Boeuf  au  pot  chaud  comme  diable. 
Croquettes    de    boeuf, 
Boeuf   Lyonnais. 

When  we  got  back  to  our  office  we  were  in 
a  state  of  turgidity  frightful  to  contemplate, 
and  did  nothing  but  stare  vacantly  from  the 
window  and  emit  hollow  groans. 

At  supper  we  had  the  whole  procession 
pass  before  our  fevered  vision  again,  al 
though  we  were  not  in  a  condition  to  add 
anything  to  our  already  harvested  crop. 
(This  word  is  used  in  its  ordinary  sense  and 
not  as  applicable  to  the  domestic  fowl.) 

"BALMY  SLEEP/' 

That  night  we  dreamed  we  were  chased  by 
a  mad  bull,  with  red  fiery  eyes,  and  that  in 
trying  to  escape  him  we  stumbled  over  huge 
steaks,  chops,  roasts,  hides  and  horns  till  we 


50  A  Few  Neighbors 

finally  fell  into  a  river  of  tallow  from  which 
we  awoke  gasping.  It  was  still  early,  but  we 
took  a  walk,  hoping  that  the  morning  air 
would  make  us  feel  a  little  better,  as  we  had 
difficulty  in  persuading  ourselves  that  we 
had  not  swallowed  a  school  globe. 

We  did  not  go  back  to  breakfast,  but  dur 
ing  the  forenoon  quarreled  bitterly  with  the 
lawyer  over  a  matter  that  we  had  amicably 
arranged  a  few  days  before ;  called  down  our 
clerk  for  some  fancied  error,  and  sentenced 
several  unfortunates  who  were  brought  be 
fore  us  to  long  terms  in  the  penitentiary. 

On  our  way  home  we  made  up  our  mind 
to  snub  the  Professor  of  Greek  and  the  Pro 
fessor  of  Mathematics  if  we  should  meet 
them.  We  did  meet  them  and  they  snubbed 
us  in  the  most  galling  fashion. 

Our  dinner,  well,  never  mind  our  dinner, 
we  don't  like  to  think  of  it  even  now,  suffice 
it  to  say  that  our  wife  had  exhausted  the  tit- 


A    Few   Neighbors  51 

termost  resources  of  the  cook  book,  and  beef 
of  all  kinds  appealed  in  vain  to  our  tortured 
stomach.  Of  course  we  ate  something,  but 
as  everything  tasted  just  the  way  parlor 
matches  smell,  the  result  was  not  encourag 
ing. 

When  that  evening  our  wife  informed  us 
that  she  was  making  ready  to  corn  some  of 
the  infernal  stuff,  pardon  our  heat,  we  decid 
ed  that  something  must  be  done  the  next 
day,  and  we  lay  awake  for  some  time  trying 
to  devise  a  way_  out  of  the  difficulty. 

We  revolved  in  our  mind  the  possibility  of 
sneaking  out  during  the  night  and  throwing 
the  meat  away,  but  dismissed  that  as  imprac 
ticable,  and  finally  fell  asleep  to  be  chased  in 
our  dreams  by  a  headless  heifer,  and  to  wake 
in  the  morning  with  sadly  impaired  digestion 
and  a  racking  headache. 

As  we  took  our  seat  at  the  breakfast  table 
to  our  frugal  repast  of  five  different  prep- 


52  A    Few   Neighbors 

arations  of  beef,  a  bright  idea  occurred  to  us. 
Alas,  our  bright  ideas  are  generally  so  "ex 
post  facto"  as  to  have  little  connection  with 
the  state  of  things  to  which  they  are  sup 
posed  to  relate,  and  if  the  idea  had  occurred 
to  us  earlier,  we  and  the  lawyer,  the  profess 
or,  and  the  instructor,  the  retired  business 
man  and  a  number  of  other  wholly  innocent 
people  might  have  been  spared  much  misery 
and  considerable  expense. 

DIPLOMACY. 

It  is  our  custom  to  read  such  portions  of 
the  morning  paper  to  our  family  as  may  be 
interesting  or  instructive  to  the  different 
members  thereof.  After  reading  several 
items  we  braced  ourselves  and  with  great 
seriousness  improvised  the  following : 

"Tuberculosis  in  K .  Our  K 

correspondent  writes  that  several  cows 
suffering  from  tuberculosis  belonging  to 
the  fine  herd  of  ,  were  on  Mon- 


A    Few   Neighbors  53 

day  condemned  by  a  member  of  the 
State  Board  of  Health  and  ordered  to  be 
killed.  Two  cows  belonging  to  the  herd  were 
last  week  sold  to  local  provision  dealers.  It  is 
not  known  whether  or  not  these  cattle  were 
affected  by  the  disease.  The  prompt  action  of 
the  authorities  is  most  commendable." 

Our  wife  somewhat  hastily  laid  aside  her 
choice  bit  of  "Boeuf  cuit  au  gout  de  la 
Reine"  and  looked  at  us  aghast.  Our  son,  in 
gross  violation  of  the  proprieties,  promptly 
deposited  the  mouthful  he  was  at  that  time 
negotiating  upon  his  plate,  and  ejaculated 
"Gosh !"  in  a  horrified  tone. 

Further  demonstrations  were  checked  by 
our  remarking  that  while  we  thought  there 
was  but  little  chance  of  our  investment  com 
ing  from  the  infected  herd,  still  as  it  came 
from  the  locality  in  question,  it  would  per 
haps  be  as  well  to  get  the  remainder  under 
ground  as  soon  as  possible. 

So  while  we  and   our   son   superintended 


54  A    Few   Neighbors 

the  burial  rites  of  our  portion  of  the  trust 
our  wife  undertook  a  hurried  round  of  visits 
throughout  the  neighborhood,  and  before  we 
left  for  our  office  we  saw  the  Professor  vig 
orously  digging  a  hole  in  his  back  garden, 
while  the  lawyer  with  a  spade  over  his  shoul 
der,  whistling  gaily  and  accompanied  by  his 
three  boys  bearing  a  heavy  bag,  was  making 
for  the  grove  behind  his  house.  Similar  ser 
vices  were  held  in  several  other  households 
belonging  to  the  trust. 

We  have  made  up  our  quarrel  with 
the  lawyer,  we  greet  the  Professor  and 
the  instructor  gaily,  are  greeted  in  re 
turn  with  urbanity,  and  the  cloud  of 
dyspeptic  misunderstanding  that  once  hung 
low  over  the  neighborhood  has  been  dissi 
pated  by  the  sun  of  neighborly  good  feeling. 

It  is  some  time  since  we  have  heard  any 
thing  about  co-operative  purchasing. 


CHAPTER  VI. 

OUR     OFFICE 

IT  may  strike  one  as  absurd  to  endeavor 
to  embody  in  a  series  of  sketches  any 
description  of  our  office,  but  the  fact  that  the 
income  derived  from  the  maintenance  of  our 
office  and  from  that  alone  enables  us  to  occu 
py  a  residence  in  the  Greek  Quarter,  in  a 
measure  identifies  our  office  with  that  fa 
vored  locality. 

For  quite  a  number  of  years  we  have  been 
engaged  more  or  less  actively  in  the  prac 
tice  of  law.  We  have  never  quite  decided 
just  what  our  position  in  life  or  choice  of 
profession  should  have  been.  On  mature  re 
flection,  we  are  quite  certain  that  we  made  a 
mistake  in  our  choice,  but,  upon  attempting 
to  follow  our  train  of  logical  thought  to  any 
55 


56  A    Few   Neighbors 

logical  conclusion,  we  are  never  able  to  sat 
isfy  ourselves  just  where  the  mistake  lies. 

Law,  medicine,  pedagogy,  we  have 
thought  of  again  and  again,  always  leaving 
leaving  the  ministry  out  of  the  question,  for 
reasons  obvious  to  our  acquaintances. 

We  occupy  offices  in  a  large,  commodious 
building  on  the  main  business  street  of  our 
delightfully  progressive  and  heavily  taxed 
town.  Our  little  community  embraces  a 
considerable  range  of  business  activities.  Di 
rectly  behind  our  office  is  that  of  Mr.  F., 
lawyer  and  law  maker,  either  busily  engaged 
in  disentangling  hopelessly  bewildered  liti 
gants  from  business  snarls,  or  devoting  his 
entire  attention  to  the  task  of  typewriting 
the  impromptu  speeches  with  which  he  in 
tends  to  dazzle  north  country  legislative 
lights  at  the  "Great  and  General  Court." 

Across  the  way,  the  two  giant  corporations 
which  control  the  ice  and  water  industries  of 


A    Few   Neighbors  57 

our  municipality  have  joined  hands,  and  in 
the  intervals  of  rest  the  officers  of  these  cor 
porations  are  wont  to  while  away  the  dreary 
hours  playing  "Sixty  Three,"  or  "Penuckle," 
and  smoking  cigars  of  the  most  venomous 
type. 

The  last  two  offices  are  occupied  by  den 
tists.  That  both  are  busy  men  is  amply 
proven  by  the  daily,  frightful  smells  of  ether 
or  burnt  rubber,  and  the  frequent  shrieks  and 
dreadful  imprecations  wafted  heavenward  by 
their  patients. 

We  keep  two  clerks.  Our  object  in  so  do 
ing  is  two  fold : — firstly  to  deceive  the  pub 
lic  as  to  the  magnitude  of  our  business  af 
fairs,  and  secondly  to  entertain  the  many  vis 
itors  who  come  to  our  office  in  search  of  en 
tertainment  solely.  A  great  many  callers 
pass  in  and  out  of  our  door,  a  good  many  of 
them  in  search  of  Mr.  F.,  a  few,  mostly  book 
canvassers,  in  search  of  us,  and  the  remain 
der  to  visit  our  clerks. 


58  A    Few   Neighbors 

BUSINESS   CARES. 

We  spend  most  of  our  time  in  our  back 
office,  listening  to  the  merry  chatter  of  the 
young  people  in  the  front  office,  the  click  of 
Mr.  F.'s  typewriter,  the  racy  conversation  of 
the  card  players  and  the  groans  of  the  tor 
tured  in  the  dental  parlors.  A  knock  at  the 
door  and  we  throw  aside  our  novel  and  pre 
tend  to  be  busily  writing  as  we  shout,  "Come 
in!" 

Enter  an  honest  yeoman.  "Be  you  Mr. 
F;"  he  queries. 

"No  sir,  Mr.  F.'s  office  is  next  door." 

"Good  day,  sir." 

"Good  day,  sir." 

Half  an  hour  later,  another  knock.  "Come 
in !"  we  shout,  applying  ourself  as  before. 

Enter  well  dressed  stranger,  evidently 
from  the  city. 

"Mr.  F.  in?" 

"No  sir,  Mr.  F.'s  office  is  next  door." 


A    Few   Neighbors  59 

"Excuse  me  for  bothering  you." 

"No  bother,  good  day,  sir." 

Ten  minutes  later,  timid  knock.  Enter 
old  lady.  "Mr.  S.  in?" 

"I  am  Mr.  S.,"  we  assure  her. 

To  our  delight  she  sits  down,  opens  a  reti 
cule,  takes  out  several  fat  documents,  and, 
after  much  clearing  of  throat,  informs  us 
that  she  wants  us  to  draw  up  several  deeds, 
a  lease  and  her  will.  She  is  proceeding  to 
state  the  conditions,  when  a  frightful  uproar 
from  the  dental  parlors  is  heard,  howls, 
shrieks,  oaths,  awful  breathing  and  choking. 

The  old  lady  starts  up,  puts  her  hand  to 
her  heart,  and  looks  ready  to  jump  out  of  the 
window.  We  hastily  assure  her  that  it  is  not 
a  murder  but  a  simple  dental  operation.  She 
sits  down  reluctantly,  another  yell  from  that 
quarter  decides  her,  and  hastily  inquiring  for 
the  Attorney  General's  office,  she  gathers  up 


60  A    Few   Neighbors 

her  documents  and  departs,  evidently  regard 
ing  us  with  the  utmost  suspicion. 

We  are  so  irritated  that  we  take  a  few 
hasty  turns  around  the  office  before  we  can 
cool  our  temper. 

Another  knock.  Enter  well-to-do  citizen 
acquaintance.  "Hello  S.,  I  was  talking  to 
G.  about  recording  conditional  sales  and  we 
didn't  agree  so  I  thought  I  would  ask  you 
about  it.  Don't  want  it  to  cost  me  anything, 
only  wanted  to  see  if  I  was  right." 

He  was  wrong,  we  go  to  some  pains  to  set 
him  right  and  he  departs,  thanking  us,  but 
says  nothing  about  payment. 

Enter  elderly  female  of  commanding  as 
pect  who  regards  us  balefully  through  her 
spectacles.  We  cannot  recollect  having  done 
anything  that  could  have  in  any  way  affect 
ed  elderly  females,  but  we  instinctively  fear 
her.  After  an  ominous  pause,  she  informs 
us  that  the  Baptist  Church  of  X is  get- 


A    Few   Neighbors  61 

ting  up  an  advertising  sheet  to  purchase  por 
tieres  for  the  church  vestry.  We  abjectly 
subscribe,  and  part  with  our  last  dollar,  all 
the  while  wishing  the  Baptist  Church  of  X— 
and  the  elderly  female  were  in  a  region 
where  nothing  but  asbestos  portieres  are  a 
protection. 

Enter  befogged  individual  with  carpet 
bag  and  cane.  "Mr.  F.  in?"  We  are  get 
ting  a  trifle  tired  of  the  wearing  monotony 
of  the  question  and  so  answer  with  acerbity, 
"Don't  know  the  man,  never  heard  of  him." 

"Why,"  he  continued,  staring  at  us,  "You 
ought  to  know  him,  his  name  is  on  the 
next  door." 

"Then  why  in  the  old  Harry  don't  you  go 
to  his  office  and  ask,  instead  of  coming  here 
to  find  out?"  we  say  in  some  heat. 

This  appears  to  strike  the  befogged  indi 
vidual  as  an  entirely  new  idea,  a  brilliant  one 
in  fact,  which  he  loses  no  time  in  adopting, 


62  A    Few   Neighbors 

and  we  hear  him  in  a  moment   telling   his 
troubles  to  Mr.  F.  in  subdued  tones. 

As  we  lock  our  office  door  to  go  to  lunch, 
a  member  of  the  Hook  &  Ladder  Company 
levies  a  little  assessment  of  fifty  cents  for 
tickets  to  its  forthcoming  ball,  and  a  young 
lady,  whom  we  cannot  recollect  at  all,  but 
who  greets  us  with  all  the  assurance  of  old 
acquaintanceship  collects  twenty-five  cents 
for  a  box  of  "Globe  soap."  We  betake  our- 
self  homeward,  wondering  how  long  we 
shall  be  able  to  stand  it  if  this  state  of  things 
continues. 

We  always  try  to  keep  our  clerks  as  busy 
as  possible,  so  as  to  have  abundant  leisure 
ourself  for  cogitation  over  the  important 
things  in  life. 

Frequently,  while  so  cogitating,  we  ought 
to  be  dictating  to  our  stenographer.    Again, , 
when  we  are  away  from  the  office  for  a  day 
or  more,  she  may  have  nothing  to  do  but 


A    Few   Neighbors  63 

tambour  work,  embroidery  or  plain  tatting. 
Therefore,  a  short  time  ago  we  lent  a  too 
willing  ear  to  an  agent  who  was  selling  of 
fice  equipments  and  allowed  ourself  to  be  be 
guiled  into  the  purchase  of  a  receiving 
phonograph.  By  this  means  we  hoped  to  be 
able  to  enter  our  office  in  the  evening,  when 
we  should  not  be  interrupted  by  book  agents, 
tree  agents,  patent  medicine  agents,  and  call 
ers  upon  our  clerks,  and  in  the  silence  of 
comparative  isolation,  so  conducive  to'  senti 
ments  of  purity,  refinement  and  business  in 
tegrity,  breath  into  its  funnel  our  varied 
professional  opinions  in  response  to  the  let 
ters  and  communications  we  daily  receive. 
These  could  afterwards  be  reduced  by  our 
clerks  into  readable  print. 

Thus  we  thought  to  instil  a  more  dignified 
tone  into  our  correspondence,  and  to  impress 
upon  volatile  and  heedless  clerks  the  honor 
and  nobility  of  our  profession. 


64  A    Few   Neighbors 

We  are  not  using  the  instrument  now,  as 
we  found  that  we  introduced  too  many  irrele 
vant  comments  into  our  communications, 
which,  when  literally  reproduced  by  our 
clerks,  tended  to  alienate  the  affections  of 
our  clients. 

We  were  so  pleased  with  this  invention 
that  we  used  up  a  great  many  cylinders  the 
first  night  we  received  it.  The  next  morning 
we  explained  its  mechanism  to  our  stenog 
rapher,  and  commanded  her  to  typewrite  the 
letters  with  extreme  exactness,  to  sign  our 
name,  append  her  initial  and  mail  the  letters 
before  our  return. 

We  have  reason  to  know  that  she  followed 
our  commands  with  absolute  fidelity. 

We  give  one  of  several  samples  of  letters 
sent  that  unfortunate  day,  and  subsequently 
returned  by  irate  clients  who  abruptly  broke 
off  all  social  and  business  relations  with  us. 


A    Few   Neighbors  65 

Exeter,  N.  H., 190 — 


Professor 

My  Dear  Sir: — 

The  professional  opinion  you  have  solici 
ted,  hang  that  telephone  bell,  why  can't  they 
leave  me  alone  a  minute,  hello-hello,  how 
long  are  you  going  to  keep  me  standing  here 
with  this  receiver  to  my  ear — hello,  yes, — 
yes — yes  of  course — good-bye,  ting- 
ting,  is  one  that  requires — now  the 
thundering  thing  has  run  down,  no  it 
hasn't, — requires  a  rather  laborious  ex 
amination  of  the  authorities,  I  wonder 
how  that  will  startle  him.  It's  the  plain 
est  thing  out  but  it's  just  as  well  to  give  the 
old  cuss  an  idea  that  his  question  is  one 
of  importance,  while  I  cannot  wholly  sub 
scribe  to  your  views — I'll  have  that  tele 
phone  nuisance  removed — ring  away,  I'm 
not  here,  the  common  law  which  you  state 
has  been  practically  abrogated  by  statutes 


66  A    Few  Neighbors 

in  this  and  many  other  states.  See  section — 
of  Chap. — Laws  of  1851, — the  old  man  is 
plainly  failing,  hang  this  infernal  machine 
it's  stopped  again,  no  it  hasn't  either — come 
in — come  in — no  I  can't  see  you  to-night,  no 
I  don't  want  to  buy  any  suspenders,  shut 
the  door  when  you  go  out — under  that  stat 
ute  you  would  be  unable  to  maintain  your 
contention — if  he  knew  anything  at  all  he 
wouldn't  have  asked  such  a  fool  question, 
t>ut  teaching  narrows  one.  I  enclose  bill 
and  am, 

Very  truly  yours, 

PLEASURE    SEEKERS. 

A  great  many  interesting  details  of  social 
life  are  discussed  in  our  front  office.  It  is 
here  that  various  important  phases  of  church, 
academy,  guild,  club  and  musical  life  are 
settled,  filed  and  docketed  away  in  the  minds 
of  those  interested.  Unconsciously,  per- 


A    Few   Neighbors  67 

haps,  we  have  acquired  a  sort  of  composite 
knowledge  of  various  affairs;  so  composite 
in  fact  that  we  at  times  have  the  greatest 
difficulty  in  bringing  any  order  out  of  the 
chaotic  condition  of  our  mind. 

The  condition  to  which  it  has  at  times 
been  reduced  can  be  imagined  should  one  of 
our  readers  take  a  chair  some  day  in  our 
back  office  when  a  tide  of  travel  is  setting 
strongly  in  the  direction  of  our  little  business 
centre.  It  is  a  mild  afternoon  and  the  doors 
of  the  various  offices  are  open.  The  den 
tists  are  busily  at  work,  the  ice  and  water 
officials  are  playing  an  absorbing  game  of 
"sixty-three,"  and  the  merits  of  certain  new 
styles  of  dress  are  being  discussed  in  the 
front  office  with  the  following  general  effect : 

"Haw,  haw,  haw,  why  don't  you  play — 
turn  round  in  the  back  Ann — so  pretty— 
and  Jack  said  that  — Emily  don't  you  think 
so  too — ow !  ow !  doctor  you're  killing  me — 


68  rA  Few  Neighbors 

and  foulard  sleeves — well  I'll  be — go  on 
and  play — clickatick,  tick,  clickatick,  tick, 
clickatick,  tick — now  John  you  know  better 
than — don't  like  crimson  with  that  complex 
ion — tr-r-r-r-r-r-ing — hello  central — get  off 
the  line — clickatick,  tick,  clickatick,  tick — 
Mr.  F.'s  office  next  door — bet  you  Jeffries 
will  do  him — no  we  don't  keep  calendars — 
so  pretty !  Ann,  I'm  going  to  have  one  just 
like  it — no  sir,  he's  busy  now — ee-ee-ee-ow, 
doctor,  what  is  the  use  breaking  a  man's 
jaw — my  deal — now  tend  to  business — 
"Hey  girls,  how  are  ye  to-day?  All  right, 
eh  ? — slam ! 

It  is  sometimes  trying,  but  we  like  cheerful 
bustle,  we  enjoy  our  profession,  even  if  there 
are  certain  drawbacks,  and  we  should  miss 
our  community  very  much  should  we  be  com 
pelled  to  part  with  it  even  for  a  short  time. 
We  enjoy  the  business  variety  and  cosmo 
politan  interests  that  pass  in  and  out  and  give 


A    Few   Neighbors  69 

us  a  chance  to  become  philosophical,  even  if 
at  times  a  little  muddled.  We  enjoy  com 
pany.  Come  in  and  see  us  when  you  are  in 
want  of  diversion. 


CHAPTER  VII. 
OUR  NEIGHBORS'  CHILDREN: 

THE  BOYS. 

THERE  are  four  kinds  of  boys,  good, 
goody-good,  ordinary  and  bad. 
From  a  comparatively  intimate  acquaint 
ance  with  the  boys  of  our  neighbor 
hood  we  are  glad  to  be  able  to  say 
there  are  no  bad  boys,  and  rejoice  to 
be  able  to  say  there  are  no  goody- 
goods.  Of  the  two  kinds  we  prefer  the  bad, 
because  they  are  frequently  amusing,  which 
the  goody-goods  never  are,  and  they  can  oc 
casionally  be  reformed,  which  is  not  the  case 
with  the  goody-goods. 

On  the  other  hand  we  cannot  with  truth 
say  that  the  boys  of  our  neighborhood  are 
at  all  likely  to  take  any  prizes  for  good  be- 
70 


A    Few   Neighbors  71 

havior,  unless  the  prizes  offered  cover  an  ex 
tremely  short  period,  say  half  to  three  quar 
ters  of  an  hour,  and  not  in  the  snowball  sea 
son. 

No,  the  boys  are  a  set  of  as  healthy,  hearty, 
happy  youngsters  as  one  could  find  any 
where,  with  lungs,  appetite  and  mischievous 
tendencies  abnormally  developed,  with  a 
wonderful  knowledge  of  all  sorts  of  games, 
a  wonderful  talent  for  getting  into  scrapes, 
and  a  remarkable  fecundity  of  excuses  in 
getting  out  of  the  same. 

They  bear  the  usual  assortments  of  nick 
names,  some  fanciful,  like  Tilly,  Nif,  Dinky 
and  Juicy,  some  illustrative  of  facial,  racial, 
bodily  or  mental  qualities,  such  as  Tadpole, 
Bulldog,  Niggerlip,  Potato  Face,  Curly  or 
Lord  John. 

They  are  in  all  things  faithful  imitations 
of  the  Academy  students.  In  the  baseball 
season  the  little  diamond  in  our  neighbor- 


J2,  A    Few   Neighbors 

hood  sees  daily  games  of  the  most  interest 
ing  nature,  and  the  air  is  vocal  with  "Never 
touched  me!"  "Slide,  Bulldog,  slide!"  and 
other  notes  of  encouragement  of  a  high- 
pitched,  strident  nature.  In  the  football  sea 
son  the  most  desperate  games  imaginable 
are  played  right  under  our  windows,  and  the 
way  in  which  small  and  grimy  boys  are 
trodden  upon,  rolled  in  the  mud,  slugged, 
punched,  tackled,  downed  and  dreadfully, 
abused  excites  the  greatest  commiseration 
among  the  mothers  of  the  same  small  boys. 

In  the  swimming  season  a  fond  father 
bringing  his  son  and  heir  home  by  the  ear 
for  having  "Gone  in"  more  than  three  times 
in  one  day,  is  a  familiar  and  edifying  spec 
tacle,  while  the  young  ladies  never  venture 
within  five  hundred  yards  of  the  swimming 
hole,  under  any  consideration. 

In  the  skating  season  the  dull  thud  of 
at  all  likely  to  take  any  prizes  for  good  be- 


A    Few   Neighbors  73 

heard  for  a  long  distance,  while  there  is  not 
a  boy  in  the  neighborhood  who  is  not  dented 
all  over  with  the  impact  of  the  hockey  block. 

The  fishing  season  claims  fewer  votaries 
than  the  season  of  other  pursuits,  but  among 
those  few  only  the  most  approved  tackle  is 
"good  form,"  and  the  truly  scientific  way 
in  which  countless  minnows,  shiners,  kivers, 
perch,  pickerel,  eels,  bullfrogs  and  snapping 
turtles  are  brought  to  book  is  at  once  start 
ling  and  instructive. 

Several  of  the  boys  are  expert  hunters  and 
trappers.  Among  the  latter  the  two  most 
expert  formed  a  partnership  under  the  name 
of  "Staff  &  Arthur,  Deelers  in  all  Kinds  of 
Firs." 

Now,  the  fur-bearing  animal,  next  to  the 
house  cat,  most  abundant  in  our  neighbor 
hood,  is  the  "Mephitis  Americanus."  Staff 
and  Arthur  have  had  astonishing  success  in 
trapping  healthy  specimens  of  this  beast,  and 


74  A    Few   Neighbors 

have  thereby  seriously  impaired  the  resi 
dential  value  of  the  neighborhood  real  es 
tate. 

One  day  last  fall  we  were  sitting  on  our 
piazza  when  we  saw  the  two  young  rascals 
who  compose  the  firm,  approaching  with  a 
large  black  and  white  animal  slung  over  a 
pole,  and  carried  between  them  with  much 
apparent  satisfaction.  Even  if  we  had  not 
seen  them,  we  should  undoubtedly  have  been 
aware  of  their  presence,  but,  as  we  did  see 
them,  and  as  they  were  making  a  bee-line  for 
our  front  door,  we  thought  the  time  for  in 
stant  and  vigorous  action  had  arrived. 
Holding  our  nose  with  one  hand,  and  seiz 
ing  the  garden  hose  with  the  other,  we  or 
dered  the  miscreants  to  halt  and  the  follow-1 
ing  dialogue  ensued : 

"What  are  you  boys  bringing  that  infer 
nal  thing  here  for?"  indignantly. 


A   Few   Neighbors  75 

"Want  to  show  it  to  Dick,  it's  nothing  but 
a  skunk." 

"Where  did  you  get  it?" 

"Staff  caught  it  in  a  trap  by  the  leg." 

"How  did  you  kill  it?" 

"Pasted  it  on  the  head  with  a  club." 

"Who  did?" 

"We  both  did." 

"Well,  I  should  say  so,  why  didn't  you 
choke  it  to  death  with  your  hands,  or  bring 
it  home  alive?" 

"We  can  sell  its  skin  for  twenty-five  cents 
as  soon  as  we  skin  it." 

"Well,  don't  you  ever  bring  such  a  thing 
as  that  around  here  again." 

The  small  boys  departed  towards  their 
home,  which  they  had  no  sooner  reached 
than  we  heard  vigorous  expletives  in  a  mas 
culine  voice,  and  a  few  minutes  later  saw 
two  small  figures  digging  a  hole  in  the  field 


76  A   Few  Neighbors 

behind  the  house,  to  deposit  there  the  black 
and  white  trophy. 

The  next  day  with  hair  so  closely  clipped 
that  each  small  head  looked  as  bald  as  a 
quart  bowl,  they  were  around  as  fresh  as 
ever,  rather  more  so  in  fact,  while  two  small 
suits  of  clothes  hung  on  the  line  behind  their 
house  for  the  rest  of  the  season. 

The  same  day  our  son  consulted  us  in  re 
gard  to  a  point  of  law  that  had  been  submit 
ted  to  him  as  one  of  three  referees,  selected 
by  the  firm  to  straighten  out  a  little  difficulty 
as  to  the  division  of  the  receipts.  The  dis 
pute  in  his  own  language  was  something  like 
this. 

"Well,  you  see,  father,  Staff  and  Arthur 
caught  a  skunk  yesterday,  'n  Staff  was  goin' 
to  sell  it  to  Old  Man  Tilton  for  twenty-five 
cents,  'n  Curly,  I  mean  Arthur,  'n  Bulldog, 
I  mean  Staff,  was  a  goin'  to  go  snacks,  'n 


A    'Few   Neighbors  77 

Old  Man  Fuller—" 

"What's  that!"  we  asked  sharply. 

"I  mean  Mr.  Fuller  told  Arth  that  he'd 
give  him  a  quarter  if  he'd  bury  it,  'n  B — 
Staff  'n  Arth  buried  it,  'n  Arth  won't  give 
Staff  half,  'n  Staff  says  he  had  oughter  have 
half,  'cause  it  was  his  trap,  'n  he  found  the 
hole,  and  got  the  most  smell  on  him  when  he 
hit  it,  'n  so  Staff  'n  Arth  left  it  to  me'n  Til- 
ly'n  Nif,  I  mean  Dick  'n  Ned." 

"What  do  they  say?"  we  queried. 

"Well,  Dick'n  I,  we  said  that  Staff  had 
oughter  have  half,  'n  Ned  said  Staff  oughter 
have  half,  'n  Ned  said  Staff  oughter  give 
Arth  a  poke  in  the  jaw,  'n  old  Man  McK,  I 
mean  Ned's  father,  said  we  oughter  to  ask 
some  lawyer,  cause  lawyers  was  great  on 
skins,  'n  so  me'n  Dick  said  to  ask  you." 

"Well,  I  guess  you  are  right,  although  it 
is  a  very  strong  case  for  both  sides  and  for 
the  neighborhood  as  well.  But  how  about 


78  A    Few   Neighbors 

speaking  of  gentlemen,  as  'Old  Man'  this, 
and  'Old  Man'  that,  is  that  the  way  you 
boys  do?" 

"Yes,  sir,  sometimes,"  somewhat  sheep 
ishly. 

"What  do  the  boys  say  when  they  speak 
of  your  father?"  we  questioned  somewhat 
anxiously. 

"Old  man  Shute,"  was  the  reluctant  re 
ply. 

"Well,  don't  you  let  me  hear  any  more  of 
it,  or  there  will  be  trouble,"  we  answeredj 
with  dignity,  and  closed  the  session,  wonder 
ing  at  our  suddenly  acquired  years  and  in 
firmities. 

We  learned  later  that  the  difficulty  had 
been  satisfactorily  adjusted,  but  owing  to 
the  nature  of  the  commodities  in  which  the 
firm  dealt,  a  family  council  had  been  called 
and  stern  parental  commands  given  for  the 
dissolution  of  the  partnership.  So  the  firm 


A    Few   Neighbors  79 

of  "Staff  &  Arthur,  Deelers  in  all  Kinds  of 
Firs,"  is  but  a  fragrant  memory. 

Like  most  boys,  these  youngsters  are  ar 
dent  admirers  and  believers  in  the  absolute 
prowess  of  their  respective  fathers.  Each 
and  all  of  them  never  lose  an  opportunity 
to  vaunt  the  pugilistic  ability  of  these  peace 
loving  gentlemen,  and  we  were  greatly  as 
tonished  at  hearing  ourself  described  by  OUK 
son,  at  one  of  the  daily  meetings  in  the  back 
yard,  as  a  perfect  terror  in  the  way  of  spar 
ring  abilities,  long  reach,  and  a  ring  experi 
ence  of  years. 

We  were  equally  astonished  at  hearing 
from  Staff  how  easily  we  could  be  done  up, 
knocked  silly,  and  fought  to  a  standstill  by 
Staff's  father,  if  he  only  once  got  at  us.  We 
never  knew  before  what  a  narrow  escape 
that  gentleman  had  of  wearing  the  diamond 
belt. 

We  were  likewise  surprised  to  learn  from 


8o  A    Few   Neighbors 

Dick  and  Ned  that  their  father,  for  whom 
we  had  always  entertained  the  utmost  re 
spect  and  friendship,  was  only  waiting  his 
chance  to  "Do  us  both  up  dead  easy, 
see!"  We  were  deeply  grieved  to  find  that 
it  was  only  a  matter  of  time  before  Arthur's 
father,  with  whom  we  had  enjoyed  about 
twenty  years'  uninterrupted  friendship  and 
professional  intimacy,  was  liable  to  break 
out  and  lick  the  entire  community  of  "Old 
Men"  without  half  trying. 

As  each  youngster  bragged  and  swelled 
himself,  amid  the  scornful  "Aw  nows"  of  his 
companions,  it  looked  as  if  the  whole  neigh 
borhood  were  likely  to  become  embroiled, 
but  suddenly  the  meeting  was  adjourned  for 
a  concerted  assault  on  "Lord  John,"  an  older 
brother  of  Ned  and  Dick,  who,  on  account  of 
a  difference  of  about  two  years  in  age,  re 
gards  the  other  boys  as  "kids."  He  suffers 
great  annoyance  from  them  jointly,  but 


A    Few  Neighbors  81 

mauls  them  soundly  when  singly  or  in  pairs. 
An  entire  volume  might  well  be  devoted  to 
the  pranks  of  these  boys,  their  work,  their 
play,  their  various  interests,  but  the  recital 
would  be  that  of  the  boys  of  every  town, 
every  city  and  every  neighborhood  in  the 
country. 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

OUR  NEIGHBORS'  CHILDREN: 
THE  GIRLS. 

FROM  our  earliest  years  we  have 
had  an  intense  admiration  for 
girls.  As  far  as  we  can  recollect,  from 
a  dispassionate  review  of  the  events 
of  the  past  forty  years,  we  are  forced 
to  admit  the  converse  is  not  true. 
The  rebuffs,  slights  and  mortifications  that 
we  have  sustained  from  them  as  a  boy,  as  an 
awkward,  ungainly  and  bashful  youth,  and 
as  an  equally  awkward,  ungainly  and  bash 
ful  man,  are  legion. 

Why  we  remember  that — but  never  mind, 
our  allegiance  has  never  in  the  least  waver 
ed,  despite  our  manifest  tribulations. 

It  is  a  fact  that  parents  are  generally  more 
82 


A   Few   Neighbors  83 

solicitous  about  the  welfare  of  their  daugh 
ters  than  that  of  their  sons.  One  is  apt  to 
think  that  the  boys  wilt  stumble  through 
their  life  lessons,  catching  the  shafts  of  mis 
fortune  everywhere  but  in  a  vital  spot,  and 
with  a  cheerful  disregard  of  consequences, 
that  is  or  should  be  the  heritage  of  every  live 
boy. 

In  the  case  of  girls  one  feels  differently, 
and  we  well  remember  the  day  we  first  saw 
one  of  the  oldest  children  in  the  neighbor 
hood,  then  a  tiny  baby  girl  of  the  mature  age 
of  three  weeks.  We  call  to  mind  the  fond 
mother's  anxious  remarks: 

"Oh,  dear,  it  will  not  be  very  long  before 
I  shall  be  worrying  about  her  going  to 
dances,  and  what  she  shall  wear,  and  with 
whom  she  shall  dance,  and  how  late  she 
should  stay,  and  all  such  things,  and  oh,  dear 
me,  I  don't  know  just  what  to  think." 

We  recollect  that  we  ventured  to  remind 


84  A    'Few   Neighbors 

her  that  there  was  no  need  for  immediate 
worry,  but  as  we  think  of  it  now,  we  feel 
that  she  "builded  better  than  she  knew,"  for 
we  can  but  acknowledge  that,  although  this 
took  place  fifteen  years  ago,  the  time  has 
passed  like  a  breath. 

The  child  in  question  has  not  yet  attended 
any  dances,  but  the  time  is  close  at  hand 
when  she  will,  and  we  have  no  fears  for  her 
success,  as  had  her  mother  years  ago. 

The  girls  of  our  neighborhood  are  as  pret 
ty  and  well  bred  as  anyone  could  wish,  and 
their  lively  dispositions  and  occasionally  wild 
spirits  do  not  detract  in  the  least  from  their 
engaging  qualities.  They  are  athletic  and 
fond  of  outdoor  sports,  and  in  some  respects 
quite  outdo  the  boys. 

For  instance,  Nell  can  easily  outrun  any 
boy  in  the  neighborhood,  not  excepting  her 
big  brother,  while  Margaret  and  the  two 
Dicks  can  never  satisfactorily  decide  which 
of  the  three  wins,  although  they  daily  run 


A    Few   Neighbors  85 

themselves  into  an  almost  apoplectic  condi 
tion. 

The  girls  are  talented  too,  for,  although 
Constance,  on  account  of  her  robust  propor 
tions,  is  not  a  marked  success  as  a  runner  or 
climber,  she  has  shown  the  value  of  literary 
heredity  by  her  phenomenal  success  in  win 
ning  prizes  for  poems  and  literary  essays. 
Nell's  drawings  have  already  been  accepted 
by  juvenile  magazines,  while  Margaret's  and 
Mary's  musical  abilities  are  the  pride  of  the 
neighborhood,  and  the  little  tots  are  coming 
on,  too. 

These  girls  have  business  ability  of  a  high 
order,  and  one  of  the  greatest  property  losses 
the  neighborhood  ever  sustained  was  the 
burning  of  the  clubhouse,  erected  by  the 
boys,  a  lease  of  which  had  been  secured  by 
the  girls  with  great  business  acumen. 

This  clubhouse  had  been  erected  by  the 
joint  efforts  of  the  entire  juvenile  male  pop- 


86  A    Few   Neighbors 

nlation  of  the  neighborhood,  after  an  amount 
of  exertion  greatly  disproportionate  to  their 
size.  It  was  built  out  of  dismantled  dry 
goods  boxes,  shingled  and  made  fair  to  look 
upon. 

For  several  months  subsequent  to  its  erec 
tion  it  was  used  by  the  boys  as  a  general 
stamping  ground,  in  which  they  dressed  fish, 
skinned  eels  and  other  vermin,  stretched  and 
dried  peltries.  On  account  of  these  practices 
the  clubhouse  became  a  gruesome  place,  to 
be  avoided  by  anyone  who  had  a  delicate 
stomach  or  a  normal  sense  of  smell,  and 
finally  the  boys  became  tired  of  it. 

It  then  occurred  to  the  girls  that  their  op 
portunity  for  club  life  had  arrived,  and  after 
several  days  of  anxious  conference  a  lease 
was  drawn  up  by  the  combined  legal  and 
scholastic  ability  of  our  friend,  the  lawyer, 
who  evidently  had  warmed  to  his  subject 
and  poured  the  entire  wealth  of  his  vast  le- 


A    Few   Neighbors  87 

gal  attainment,  into  the  draft  of  this  instru 
ment,  a  copy  of  which  lies  before  us. 
LEASE. 

This  indenture  witnesseth  that  we,  John 
McKey,  Dick  McKey,  Ned  McKey,  Stafford 
Francis,  Arthur  Fuller,  George  Fuller,  Ken 
neth  Fuller  and  Dick  Shute,  commoners  and 
sturdy  yeomen,  in  consideration  of  the  pay 
ment  of  five  cents  in  the  lawful  current  coin 
of  the  United  States  to  us  the  said  com 
moners  and  sturdy  yeomen  as  aforesaid  and 
above  named,  on  the  part  of  Nell  McKey, 
Margaret  Fuller,  Constance  Fuller,  Elsie 
Fuller,  Faith  Fuller,  Mary  Frances  and  Na 
thalie  Shute,  all  spinsters  of  the  Borough 
Corporate  of  Exeter,  the  receipt  whereof  we 
do  hereby  in  our  collective  and  individual 
capacities  acknowledge,  do  convey,  confirm, 
alien,  enfeoff,  shove  up,  spout,  hock,  put  in 
soak  and  lease  to  and  unto  said  spinsters 
hereinbefore  mentioned,  a  certain  piece  or 


88  A    Few   Neighbors 

parcel  of  land  with  the  appurtenances  there 
unto  appertaining,  together  with  all  corpo 
real  and  incorporeal  heriditaments  append- 
ant  or  in  gross,  and  all  rights  of  firebote, 
plough'bote  and  steambote,  with  common  of 
estovers,  of  piscary,  turbary,  strawbary, 
blackbary  and  goosebary,  said  premises 
bounded  and  described  as  follows:  to  wit, 
namely,  viz.,  scilicet,  videlicet,  that  is  to 
say:  commencing  at  a  certain  empty  tomato 
can  on  the  land  of  one  E.  H.  Oilman,  thence 
running  north  25  degrees  east  five  feet,  eight 
inches,  to  a  large  pigweed  thence  west  14 
degrees  20  minutes,  south  thirteen  feet,  five 
inches,  to  a  dead  cat,  thence  south  parallel 
to  said  first  mentioned  line  six  feet,  one  inch 
to  a  last  year's  woodchuck  hole,  thence  in  a 
straight  line  to  the  tomato  can  aforemen 
tioned. 

And  the  said  spinsters  on  their  part  cove 
nant  that  they  will  well  and  truly  pay  unto 


A    Few   Neighbors  89 

said  commoners  and  sturdy  yeomen  as 
aforesaid,  the  afore  mentioned  sum  of  five 
cents  of  the  lawful  coin  of  the  realm,  for 
each  and  every  week  ensuing  the  date  here 
of  that  they,  the  said  spinsters,  their  asso 
ciates  and  assigns  may  occupy  the  same. 

And  the  said  commoners  and  sturdy  yeo 
man  aforementioned  do  reserve  unto  them 
selves  the  right,  should  the  said  spinsters 
fail  to  keep  all  and  singular  their  said  cove 
nants  as  aforesaid,  to  enter  said  premises  vl 
et  armis,  and  molliter  nianus  imponere,  and 
expel,  banish,  exile,  eject,  exclude  and  fire 
out  all  and  singular  said  spinsters  so  afore 
mentioned. 

In  witness  whereof  the  said  commoners 
and  sturdy  yeomen,  and  said  spinsters  so 
described  and  set  forth  as  aforesaid  have  set 
their  hands  and  affixed  their  seals  this 
steenth  day  of  fty,  190 — . 

John  McKey. 


po  A    Few   Neighbors 

Dick  McKey. 

Ned  McKey. 

Stafford  Francis. 

Arthur  Fuller. 

Dick  Shute. 

George  x  Fuller. 

Kenneth  x  Fuller. 

Nell  McKey. 

Margaret  Fuller. 

Constance  Fuller. 

Elsie  Fuller. 

Mary  Frances. 

Faith  x  Fuller. 

Nathalie  x  Shute. 

xHis  mark.     xHer  mark. 

Upon  entering  into  possession  of  the 
leased  premises,  the  girls  at  once  set  to  work 
to  secure  the  removal  of  one  of  the  monu 
ments  of  boundary,  to  wit,  the  deceased  cat, 
iwhich  they  effected  by  an  appeal  to  the  les- 


A    Few   Neighbors  91 

sors,  who  promptly  acted  in  the  following 
manner. 

Staff  picked  it  up  by  the  tail  and  threw  it 
at  Dick,  who  received  it  on  the  back  of  his 
neck.  Quickly  recovering,  he  threw  it  at 
Arthur,  who  in  turn  chased  Staff  to  the 
woods,  and  hit  him  twice  over  the  head  with 
it  before  it  came  to  pieces. 

This  preliminary  having  been  satisfacto 
rily  adjusted,  an  entire  afternoon  was  spent 
in  thoroughly  purging  the  floor,  and  the  rest 
of  the  week  was  occupied  in  mural  decora 
tion  and  the  introduction  of  tasteful  and  ele 
gant  furniture.  The  walls  were  neatly 
paved  with  pebbles  and  oyster  shells,  flowers 
were  planted  at  the  sides  thereof,  and  a 
handsome  marble  slab,  discarded  for  a  mod 
ern  wooden  mantel,  did  duty  as  a  doorstep. 

Nor  did  they  depend  entirely  upon  their 
own  exertions  for  the  improvement  of  their 
property,  for  one  of  our  neighbors,  a  kind- 


92  A    Few   Neighbors 

hearted  man,  spent  one  of  his  infrequent  af 
ternoons  of  leisure,  clad  in  a  disreputable 
hat  and  baggy,  ill-fitting  overalls,  presenting 
a  hideous  appearance,  in  whitewashing  the 
outside  walls  of  the  castle. 

How  those  girls  did  enjoy  themselves! 
What  teas,  what  dinners,  what  receptions 
they  held  there!  What  a  wealth  of  china, 
crockery,  tin  spoons,  lead  forks  and  pewter 
knives  were  displayed!  What  marvels  of 
housekeeping  were  performed ! 

But  alas,  this  happiness  was  not  to  en 
dure.  A  cloud  on  the  horizon,  at  first  a 
mere  speck,  rapidly  increased. 

One  afternoon  while  the  older  girls  were 
at  home  reading  or  practising,  and  the  boys 
were  at  the  swimming  hole,  two  small  fig 
ures  were  seen  to  make  their  way  toward  a 
pile  of  rubbish  just  behind  the  clubhouse. 
They  were  very  tiny,  and  very  innocent,  but 
they  had  in  some  way  become  possessed  of 


A    Few   Neighbors  93 

a  bunch  of  matches. 

The  combination  of  a  small  boy  and  a 
bunch  of  matches  is  ordinarily  productive  of 
but  one  result,  and  in  this  case  that  result 
followed  as  a  matter  of  course.  In  a  few 
minutes  two  small  figures  were  flying  toward 
home  as  fast  as  their  short  pudgy  legs  could 
carry  them,  screaming,  "Muvver!"  at  the 
top  of  their  shrill  voices,  while  dense  vol 
umes  of  smoke  were  seen  pouring  from  the 
clubhouse. 

Instantly  the  entire  neighborhood  was 
alarmed,  the  air  became  vibrant  with  swish 
ing  skirts  and  agitated  pigtails  as  the  entire 
female  portion  of  the  neighborhood,  old  and 
young,  armed  with  brooms,  mops,  pails, 
cups,  garden  hose  and  tin  dippers,  rushed  to 
the  rescue,  amid  a  clatter  of  tongues  that 
almost  drowned  the  roar  and  crackle  of  the 
flames. 

The  children  shrieked  and  skipped  about 


94  A    Few   Neighbors 

like  corn  in  a  popper,  the  women  heroically 
beat  with  brooms,  poured  water  from  cups 
and  dippers,  gave  frantic  orders  in  a  high 
key,  and  vainly  endeavored  to  stretch  fifty 
feet  of  garden  hose  to  four  hundred  feet. 
By  this  time  the  edifice  was  a  mass  of  flames, 
the  grass  was  on  fire  in  half  a  dozen  places, 
and  the  outlook  was  very  unfavorable  for  the 
fire  fighters,  when  with  shrill  yells  and  bulg 
ing  eyeballs,  the  boys,  aroused  from  their 
paddling  by  the  unusual  noise,  came  charg 
ing  up  the  path  from  the  swimming  hole  like 
a  regiment  of  small  maniacs,  clad  some  in 
one  garment,  some  in  two,  and  some  in  lit 
tle  more  than  the  golden  summer  sunshine. 
Under  the  vigorous  measures  of  these  ex 
perienced  fire  fighters,  the  grass  fires  were 
speedily  extinguished,  but  the  clubhouse  was 
doomed.  At  precisely  four  minutes  and  thir 
ty  seconds  after  four  o'clock  the  roof  fell  in 
with  a  crash,  sending  a  shower  of  sparks  to 


A    Few   Neighbors  95 

a  height  of  at  least  seven  feet,  six  inches. 

All  danger  to  the  neighboring  estates  be 
ing  thus  happily  averted,  the  gentlemen  pres 
ent,  suddenly  realizing  the  somewhat  inform 
al  condition  of  their  toilets,  discreetly  re 
tired  behind  trees,  while  the  ladies,  gather 
ing  their  pans,  dippers,  brooms  and  mops, 
betook  themselves  to  a  vigorous  beating  up 
of  the  neighboring  coverts  in  search  of  the 
Diminutive  incendiaries,  that  Justice,  the 
blind  goddess,  the  inexorable,  might  be  ap 
peased. 

The  club  house  has  never  been  rebuilt,  the 
neighbors  wisely  concluding  that  the  social 
advantage  of  the  institution,  although  great, 
did  not  counterbalance  the  element  of  dan 
ger  to  the  neighboring  real  estate, 


CHAPTER  IX. 

OUR  NEW  NEIGHBORHOOD. 

WE  have  again  moved; in  fact,  since  the 
description  of  the  Greek  Quarter 
was  written  we  have  moved  twice.  It  may 
not  be  a  matter  of  surprise  to  our  friends 
that  we  moved  from  the  "Greek  Quarter," 
but,  considering  those  sketches,  it  may  have 
been  and  probably  is  almost  beyond  belief 
that  we  were  not  compelled  to  leave  the 
country. 

And  yet,  incredible  as  it  may  seem,  no  act 
of  hostility  on  the  part  of  our  neighbors  ever 
intimated  to  us  that  our  neighborly  atten 
tions  were  unwelcome.  No  council  of  war 
was  ever  held,  no  league,  offensive  or  defen 
sive,  was  ever  formed,  no  injunction  prayed, 
no  notice  to  quit  served. 


A    Few   Neighbors  97 

In  fact,  as  far  as  we  know,  our  departure, 
although  perhaps  not  universally  deplored, 
was  not  the  cause  of  any  open  demonstra 
tion  or  semi-public  rejoicing.  For  our  part 
we  were  profoundly  sad  at  quitting  so  con 
genial  a  neighborhood,  but  the  die  once  cast 
we  faced  the  problem  of  moving  with  the 
cheerfulness  engendered  by  the  knowledge 
that  the  same  wheelbarrow  that  had  once 
before  served  as  a  vehicle  for  the  transpor 
tation  of  our  household  goods  was  still  avail 
able  for  the  asking,  and  that  the  statutes  of 
the  state  of  New  Hampshire  exempted  from 
attachment  and  levy  or  sale  on  execution, 
household  goods  to  the  value  of  one  hun 
dred  dollars,  comfortable  beds  and  bedding 
for  the  use  of  the  debtor  and  his  family ;  one 
range,  one  horse,  a  yoke  of  oxen,  six  sheep 
and  the  fleece  of  the  same;  uniforms,  arms, 
and  equipment,  which,  especially  in  the  mat 
ter  of  livestock,  far  exceeded  our  posses 
sions. 


98  A    Few   Neighbors 

But  we  grieve  to  say,  that  when  we  went 
back  to  the  same  neighborhood  where  we 
had  lived  for  many  years  in  peace,  friend 
ship  and  intimacy  with  all,  we  found  that 
one  of  two  things  was  true,  either  we  had 
outgrown  our  former  neighbors,  or  they  us. 

We  cannot  think  we  had  changed.  No 
honors  had  fallen  to  our  lot,  no  achievement 
had  marked  us  apart  from  other  men.  We 
had  managed  by  hard  work,  to  which  wa 
were  naturally  averse,  and  economy,  which 
we  faithfully  practised  but  detested,  to  pay 
our  bills,  and  that  was  all. 

Why  then  did  our  former  friends  look 
askance  at  us.  We  cannot  say,  except  that 
in  many  respects  we  violated  the  traditions 
of  that  neighborhood. 

It  has  been  the  custom  of  our  neighbors 
to  work  hard  and  faithfully  during  six  days 
and  to  rest  on  the  seventh.  Their  rest  con 
sisted  in  going  to  church  in  the  morning,  and 


A    Few   Neighbors  99 

in  the  afternoon  taking  a  walk  in  the  ceme 
tery.  In  the  evening  they  would  gather 
about  the  cabinet  organ  and  sing  hymns. 

Our  customs  were  quite  different.    To  be 
gin  with,  we  tried  to  get  along  through  the 
six  working  days  with  as  little  work  as  pos 
sible,  and  when  the  Sabbath  came  we  got  up 
early,  gave  our  horse  a  more  elaborate  rub 
bing  down  than  usual,  swept  out  our  barn, 
watered  the  twenty  square  feet  of  lawn,  and 
hung  around,  attired  in  a  shabby  pair    of 
trousers,  rubber  boots,  a  dingy  red  sweater 
and  a  dreadful  hat,  putting  things  to  rights 
until  time  to  dress  for  church,  which  we  at-< 
tended  with  a  good  deal  of  regularity,  owing 
to  certain  well  defined  wishes  expressed  by 
our  wife  in  her  frank  and  convincing  man 
ner. 

After  dinner  we  did  not  walk  in  the  ceme 
tery,  but  drove  instead  sometimes  to  the 
beach,  more  often  along  the  country  roads. 


ioo  A    Few   Neighbors 

Again,  we  had  no  cabinet  organ,  did  not 
think  that  hymns  sounded  well  outside  of 
church  or  chapel,  and  preferred  music  of  a 
more  enlivening  character. 

When  we  planned  to  leave  the  hard  wood 
floors  of  the  "Greek  Quarter,"  and  to  come  to 
our  new  home,  the  question  of  new  carpets 
stared  us  coldly  in  the  face.  The  acquisition 
of  new  and  suitable  carpets  is  attended  with 
considerable  expense,  and  upon  calling  our 
wife  into  the  conference  we  found  that  she 
preferred  hard-wood  floors  both  on  the  score 
of  economy  and  neatness,  although  by  what 
method  of  calculation  she  made  it  appear 
that  three-ply,  55  cents,  double  width  carpets 
cost  more  than  hard-wood  floors  was  never 
very  clear  to  us. 

The  result  was  that  we  ordered  hard-wood 
floors,  although  it  became  necessary  to  nego 
tiate  a  six  per  cent  power  of  sale  mortgage 
p-n  our  real  estate.  As  this  was  the  first 


A    Few   Neighbors  101 

mortgage  that  had  ever  appeared  in  that 
neighborhood,  it  caused  great  commotion, 
and  still  further  intensified  the  feeling  that 
we  were  consumed  with  a  desire  for  the  ef 
fete  luxuries  of  the  rich  and  great. 

Then  again  there  was  the  minister,  whose 
back  yard  abutted  our  own.  We  had  never 
lived  so  near  a  minister  before,  but  had  been 
content  to  view  him  from  afar  in  his  pulpit 
elevation  and  at  the  occasional  church  so 
ciables  we  felt  obliged  to  attend,  when  our 
wife  happened  to  be  a  member  of  the  com 
mittee  in  whose  hands  the  success  of  the  af 
fair  rested. 

We  were  undoubtedly  a  trial  to  the  min 
ister,  and  a  weariness  unto  his  flesh.  He 
never  said  it  in  words,  he  never  intimated 
it  knowingly  in  his  actions.  He  was  always 
quiet,  courteous  and  kind,  a  good  neighbor. 

When  our  mare  lays  her  whole  weight  of 
one  thousand  pounds  on  our  foot,  we  are 


IO2  A   'Few   Neighbors 

very  likely  to  make  such  comments  as  the 
nature  of  the  transaction  demands  and  our 
quick  temper  suggests.  When  we  step  upon 
the  upturned  teeth  of  a  rake  that  is  quietly 
and  unobtrusively  leaning  against  a  wall, 
and  receive  a  blinding  thump  from  the  han-^ 
die  that  flies  up  and  strikes  us  in  the  fore 
head,  as  well  as  a  cruel  prod  from  the  sharp 
teeth,  we  do  not  feel  obliged  to  choose  oun 
words,  nor  inclined  to  postpone  our  remarks. 

And  so,  after  an  outburst  of  more  than 
usual  lingual  brilliancy,  when  we  see  the 
minister's  reproachful  countenance  frowning 
at  us  across  the  back  fence,  and  observe  that 
worthy  man  shaking  his  head  sadly  as  he 
hurriedly  makes  for  the  house,  we  feel  that 
we  have  not  only  wounded  a  good  soul,  but 
imperiled  a  bad  one. 

All  these  things  made  us  feel  that  we  had 
in  some  unknown  way  got  out  of  touch  with 
our  old  neighbors;  that  we  did  not  quite 


A    Fezv   Neighbors  103 

catch  the  spirit  of  the  neighborhood,  did  not 
feel  as  much  at  home  as  we  had  hoped. 

It  was,  however,  the  cutting  down  of  the 
trees  that  made  a  hasty  removal  from  that 
neighborhood  advisable  and  indeed  unavoid 
able. 

From  the  infant  days  of  our  town  it  has 
been  the  custom  to  plant  trees.  That  these 
trees  have  a  well  defined  place  in  the  town's 
economy  is  undeniably  true.  In  the  days  of 
the  wily  redskin,  they  were  of  inestimable 
value  as  positions  of  vantage  and  security, 
behind  which  the  picturesque  Colonial  in 
long  flapped  coat,  Elizabethan  ruff,  laced 
sleeves,  square  cut  shoes  with  brightly  pol 
ished  silver  buckles,  knee  breeches,  and  silk 
stockings,  coming  homeward  from  ditching, 
logging,  plowing  or  burning  sprout  lands, 
would  dodge  on  hearing  the  twang  of  the 
bowstring,  the  whir  of  the  arrow  and  the 
yelp  of  the  pursuing  savage.  Propping  up 


104  A   Few   Neighbors 

his  bell  mouthed  musketoon,  loaded  with 
fragments  of  pewter  porringers  and  hand 
made  bullets  with  little  furrows  in  them,  he 
would  build  a  fire  under  it,  then  sit  down 
and  wait  for  it  and  the  Indians  to  go  off. 

In  later  days  when  the  garrisons  were  sup 
planted  by  shoe  shops  and  factory  boarding 
houses,  and  the  Indians  by  the  less  desirable 
savages  from  Poland,  Austro-Hungary, 
Greece,  Italy,  China,  and  the  Canadian  fron 
tier,  the  trees  were  still  useful  in  affording 
hiding  places  to  these  modern  savages,  while 
avoiding  the  unwelcome  attentions  of  the  lo 
cal  constabulary. 

In  the  course  of  time  these  trees  attained 
great  size,  and  were  so  thick  and  dense  that 
but  little  sunshine  ever  filtered  through, 
This  was  especially  so  in  our  neighborhood, 
and  our  apartments  were  damp  on  that  ac 
count.  In  addition  to  this,  the  roots  of  the 
trees  had  an  unclean  and  undesirable  habit 


A   Few   Neighbors  105 

of  crawling  into  our  sewer  pipes  in  such 
numbers  and  at  such  times  as  to  make  it 
expensive,  annoying  and  embarrassing. 

Did  we  attempt  to  have  a  modest  dinner 
party,  it  was  harrowing  to  our  finer  feelings 
to  spend  the  best  part  of  the  dinner  hour  and 
evening  in  trying  to  push  a  wire  ramrod 
down  the  pipe  and,  failing  utterly,  to  watch 
our  chance  to  pour  our  rapidly  accumulating 
slops  and  dishwater  over  our  nearest  neigh 
bor's  fence. 

Again,  after  having  spent  the  entire  spring 
and  summer  and  a  large  percentage  of  our 
evenings  for  the  last  year  in  sodding,  dress 
ing,  sowing,  raking  and  mowing  a  new 
lawn  into  a  delightful  condition  of  smooth 
ness  and  greenness,  to  be  obliged  to  sit  by 
and  see  a  huge  trench  dug  straight  through 
the  centre  thereof,  bearing  on  its  high  piled 
sides  the  tin  cans,  hoopskirts  and  skeleton 
cats  of  a  bygone  generation,  developed  the 


io6  (A.    Few   Neighbors 

vituperative  section  of  our  vocabulary  to  a 
hectic  degree. 

To  be  sure  when  the  pipe  was  finally 
cleaned  out  we  discovered  many  things: — 
where  the  china  cups  went ;  where  the  silver 
spoons  marked  with  our  grandmother's 
initials  have  been  hiding;  where  the  baby's 
socks  and  rubber  ring,  and  our  son's  mar 
bles  and  our  eye-glasses  and  our  screw 
driver  and  the  wire  nails  and  the  picture 
hangers  and  other  things  were  going  when 
stopped  by  the  roots. 

What  we  said  about  those  trees  is  too  aw 
ful  to  dwell  upon.  What  we  did  broke  up 
our  quiet  home  and  threw  the  entire  neigh 
borhood  into  hysterics. 

We  sent  for  half  a  dozen  Frenchmen  and 
had  the  offending  trees  cut  down,  and  for 
the  first  time  in  half  a  century  the  sun  shone 
into  our  rooms,  the  miasmic  vapors  were 
dissipated,  our  cellar  dried  up,  the  green 


A    Feiv   Neighbors  107 

mould  desiccated  and  fell  from  our  roof,  our 
rheumatism  departed  instanter,  a  settled 
lung  trouble  that  we  had  inherited  from 
grandfather  took  flight,  and  our  wall  paper 
ceased  peeling  from  the  guest  chamber. 

Per  contra,  before  night  the  neighborhood 
was  in  an  uproar,  we  were  the  most  unpopu 
lar  man  in  town,  and  a  price  was  put  upon 
our  head.  People  there  were  who  had  mur 
dered,  had  highwayly  plundered,  had  bur 
gled,  had  besmirched  reputation,  had  vio 
lated  all  laws,  both  statute  and  moral,  but 
hitherto  the  fair  fame  of  the  town  had  never 
been  fouled  by  tree  cutting. 

Groups  of  people  gathered  and  gesticulat 
ed  and  pointed;  comparative  strangers  to 
our  neighborhood  came  and  looked  curiously 
on  the  freshly  cut  trunks,  shook  their  heads 
sadly  and  walked  away;  old  friends  passed 
us  with  averted  gaze;  tradespeople  with 
wHom  we  had  accounts  sent  in  their  bills  re- 


io8  A   Few  Neighbors 

questing  immediate  payment;  our  son's 
school  life  was  one  continual  warfare  with 
our  neighbors'  sons;  our  daughter,  usually 
the  most  light  hearted  and  amiable  of  chil 
dren,  was  dragged  by  her  scandalized  teach 
er  out  of  four  fights  in  which  she  had  at 
tempted  to  resent  in  et  armis  certain  imputa 
tions  on  her  father's  character 

It  was  high  time  we  moved  and  move  we 
did.  What  befel  us  in  transitu  and  in  our 
new  neighborhood  we  will  give  in  detail. 


CHAPTER  X. 

OUR   MIGRATION. 

HAVING  resolved  to  migrate,  we  be 
gan  to  look  about  for  a  suitable 
house.  If  we  had  gone  in  the  direction  that 
our  neighbors  and  erstwhile  friends  fervent 
ly  wished  us  to  go,  we  would  have  entered 
state  prison  for  a  term  of  years,  but  as  we 
had  been  in  a  measure  the  humble  instru 
ment  through  which  quite  a  number  of  peo 
ple  had  landed  in  that  institution,  we  natur 
ally  did  not  care  to  follow  them,  as  it  might 
lead  to  undesirable  social  complications. 

At  this  time  there  had  been  a  heavy 
shrinkage  in  real  estate  values  in  our  little 
town,  with  the  result  that  there  were  plenty 
of  unoccupied  houses  for  rent  or  sale,  the 
only  difficulty  being  that  most  of  these  build- 
109 


no  A    Few   Neighbors 

ings  were  on  thickly  settled  streets,  and  we 
had  firmly  resolved  never  to  live  on  a  thickly 
settled  street  again.  While  we  didn't  actu 
ally  long  for  a  "Lodge  in  some  vast  wilder 
ness,"  it  seemed  the  safest  place  to  go  until 
the  wratH  of  our  neighbors  had  died  down, 
cooled  off,  or  been  smoothed  by  the  healing 
hand  pf  time. 

There  was  erected  on  Pine  Street,  some 
where  in  the  fifties,  a  large  house,  in  the 
midst  of  the  forest  primeval,  upon  two  acres 
of  choice  land  laid  down  to  ragweed,  bur 
docks  and  witch  grass.  This  house  outlived 
its  proprietor  and  was  for  sale  many  years. 
Inasmuch  as  it  was  surrounded  and  walled 
in  by  trees,  and  unoccupied  for  some  time,  it 
was  supposed  to  be  in  a  dreadful  condition 
of  dry  rot  and  dilapidation. 

Consequently,  no  purchaser  appeared,  and 
though  tHe  price  declined  from  year  to  year, 
it  was  still  far  beyond  our  ability  to  pur- 


A    Few   Neighbors  in 

chase,  unless  we  could  negotiate  a  mortgage 
for  the  entire  purchase  price. 

Since  our  happy,  far-away  'boyhood  we 
had  looked  with  longing  eyes  upon  this  place 
as  an  earthly  paradise,  and  it  still  remained 
far  beyond  our  reach,  and  would  have  re 
mained  so  had  it  not  been  for  a  curious  com 
bination  of  circumstances. 

The  first  was  the  general  shrinkage  in 
Exeter  real  estate;  the  second  was  the  Cot 
tage  Hospital ;  the  third  was  the  mortgagee. 

Of  the  shrinkage  in  value  we  have  already 
spoken.  Of  the  Cottage  Hospital  it  is  only 
necessary  to  say  that  the  good  people  of  Pine 
Street  did  not  relish  the  proximity  of  the 
building  which  was  its  temporary  temple, 
and  that  the  hospital  trustees  were  looking 
to  this  old  fashioned  house  with  full  intent  of 
making  it  their  permanent  and  corporate 
abode. 

Therefore  when  a  private  citizen  appeared 


H2  A    Few   Neighbors 

who  evinced  a  desire  to  buy  the  vacant  house 
and  establish  therein  his  household  goods,  his 
live  stock  and  his  bargain-sale  furniture,  they 
welcomed  him  with  open  arms,  so  to  speak, 
and  took  counsel  among  themselves  how  to 
induce  the  son  of  the  ancient  and  gone  pro 
prietor  in  his  far  abode,  to  bring  the  price 
within  the  reach  pf  this  possible  purchaser. 
True  enough  we  were  leaving  an  old 
neighborhood  under  a  cloud ;  true  enough  we 
were  outspoken  in  our  comments  on  men  and 
things ;  true  enough  we  played  on  varied  and 
violent  wind  instruments  of  brass,  wood  and 
silver ;  true  enough  we  had  a  weakness  for 
fancy  poultry,  pigeons  and  hard-bitted 
horses;  on  the  other  hand  we  did  not  smell 
of  chloroform,  iodoform  or  carbolic  acid; 
did  not  groan  and  shriek  at  all  hours  of  the 
day  and  night;  were  not  brought  home  on 
stretchers  or  in  dismembered  fragments 
every  day,  and  whatever  mortality  might  ul- 


A    Few   Neighbors  113 

timately  develop  in  our  family,  it  would  cer 
tainly  not  keep  an  undertaker's  wagon  in 
front  of  our  house  all  the  time. 

Consequently,  we  were  received  with  well- 
bred  smiles  by  the  very  people  who  but  for 
the  Cottage  Hospital  would  probably  have 
chipped  in  and  bought  the  place,  rather  than 
endanger  their  morals  and  their  shades  trees 
by  allowing  us  to  enter  the  neighborhood. 

Thanks  to  the  kindness,  or  prejudices,  of 
our  neighbors  expectant,  the  price  was 
brought  down  to  an  astonishingly  low  fig 
ure;  and  the  only  question  remained,  can 
we  hypothecate  the  estate  for  the  entire  pur 
chase  price?  If  so,  we  reasoned  that  we 
might  by  making  determined  efforts  to  col 
lect  divers  outstanding  and  not  yet  outlawed 
bills  for  legal  services,  be  able  to  pay  the  ex 
penses  of  moving,  paper  a  few  rooms,  nail  a 
plank  or  two  on  the  front  steps,  mow  the 
lawn,  blaze  a  trail  through  the  trees,  bush 


114  A    Few   Neighbors 

hook  some  of  the  thickest  jungle,  replace  the 
broken  windows  and  live  happily  ever  after 
wards. 

Upon  going  to  a  certain  bank  in  an  adja 
cent  city  we  sounded  the  directors  thereof, 
and  to  our  great  gratification  found  them 
disposed  to  loan  upon  good  and  sufficient 
security. 

In  all  business  transactions  we  believe  in 
frankness.  For  instance,  if  you  wish  to  sell 
a  horse,  we  believe  you  will  accomplish  that 
result  much  more  easily  if  you  don't  evince 
any  special  desire  to  part  with  the  animal, 
and  if  you  wish  to  borrow  money  it  is  not 
advisable  to  boast  too  much  over  the  secur 
ity.  A  bank  is  sure  to  look  the  property 
iOver  before  parting  with  its  legal  tender,  and 
the  discount  between  your  romantic,  senti 
mental,  or  at  all  events  magnified  estimate, 
and  the  bank's  severely  practical  appraisal,  is 
disheartening. 


A  Few  Neighbors  115 

Therefore,  when  we  applied  for  the  loan 
we  stated  the  amount  desired,  the  nature  of 
the  security,  its  location,  and  requested  that 
a  man  be  sent  to  examine  it.  To  a  question 
as  to  the  purchase  price  we  answered  truly 
that  this  was  to  be  a  secret  between  owner 
and  purchaser,  but  we  neglected  to  state 
that  the  amount  of  the  loan  was  the  purchase 
price,  as  we  could  not  very  well  do  that  un 
der  the  circumstances. 

It  happened  that  on  the  same  side  of  the 
street  and  next  to  this  estate  was  another, 
much  more  valuable  and  pretentious  proper 
ty,  upon  which  the  owner  had  lavished  more 
money  that  we  ever  expect  to  see,  should  we 
live  to  a  ripe,  nay  to  an  over-ripe  and  dried- 
up  old  age. 

What  was  this  gentleman's  surprise  one 
day  to  see  a  well-dressed  business-like  indi 
vidual  pacing  the  lines  of  his  fine  estate 
scrutinizing  with  evident  interest  and  admi- 


n6  A    Few   Neighbors 

ration  the  elegant  buildings,  and  making  co 
pious  notes  in  a  small  book.  The  owner  said 
nothing,  however,  but  passed  on.  He  had 
not  proceeded  far  when  he  was  overtaken  by 
the  gentleman  of  the  note  book,  who  opened 
the  conversation  with  the  remark  that  it  was 
a  fine  place  back  there. 

"Well,  yes,"  said  the  owner,  "it  is  a  pret 
ty  fair  place." 

"Must  have  cost  the  owner  a  pot  of 
money,"  continued  the  man  of  notes. 

"Yes,  a  good  deal  of  money  went  into  the 
place  first  and  last,"  replied  the  owner, 
dryly. 

"Good  for  a  mortgage  of  ten  thousand 
dollars,  isn't  it,"  hazarded  the  scrivener. 

"Good  for  twice  that,"  said  the  owner 
tartly,  "but  as  long  as  the  owner  doesn't 
want  to  borrow  any  money,"  he  continued, 
"the  property  will  in  all  probability  never 
Have  to  be  mortgaged." 


A   Few   Neighbors  117 

"That  may  be  well  enough,"  said  the  busi 
ness-like  individual,  "but  I  happen  to  know 
that  the  man  who  wants  to  buy  that  place 
wants  a  good  deal  of  money  on  it." 

"Buy  that  place,  what  in  thunder  do  you 
mean?"  demanded  the  owner  hotly,  and 
would  have  continued,  but  just  at  that  mo 
ment  the  stranger  hailed  a  passing  car,  sa 
luted  and  disappeared,  leaving  the  owner 
staring  after  him  in  astonishment  and  indig 
nation. 

"Wonder  who  in  thunder  that  impertinent 
ass  was?"  he  muttered,  as  he  pursued  his 
way  thoughtfully  down  town. 

Not  knowing  of  this  colloquy  between 
our  to-be-next-door-neighbor  and  the  inquis 
itive  stranger,  we  were  somewhat  astonished 
and  hugely  gratified  to  receive  notice  from 
the  bank  to  the  effect  that  they  would  loan 
us  $10,000  on  the  premises.  Inasmuch  as 
we  did  not  want  that  amount,  we  declined 


1 1 8  A    Few   Neighbors 

the  excess,  although  we  were  tempted  to  bor 
row  the  whole  sum  and  at  the  expiration  of 
the  year  pay  back  on  the  mortgage  note  the 
amount  in  excess  of  the  purchase  price,  and 
thus  give  the  bank  and  the  general  public  an 
exalted  idea  of  the  extent  of  our  professional 
income. 

This  temptation  we  resisted,  and  in  a  few 
days  the  mortgage  for  the  purchase  price 
was  negotiated,  the  title  passed,  and  we 
found  ourselves  in  possession  of  a  grand  old 
place,  with  lar-ge  grounds  and  an  equally 
large  and  well  developed  mortgage,  with 
magnificent  trees  and  a  heavy  tax  rate,  with 
sewer  connection  and  an  assessment  of  one 
per  cent,  on  the  tax  valuation  for  the  same, 
with  spacious  rooms,  and  nothing  but  cot 
tage  furniture  to  put  therein. 

The  first  thing  to  do  was  to  put  the  house 
into  some  sort  of  condition  for  occupancy. 
This  necessitated  the  services  of  a  plumber 


A   Few  Neighbors  119 

and  three  assistants,  a  painter  and  paper 
hanger  with  one  assistant. 

Their  duties  did  not  embrace  a  very  wide 
scope.  Those  of  the  principals  consisted  in 
making  estimates  on  the  back  of  new  shin 
gles,  while  the  assistants  lit  pipes  and  re 
clined  on  nail  kegs.  These  estimates  were 
disheartening  in  the  extreme  to  us,  and  the 
common  belief  that  figures  do  not  lie  was 
shattered  beyond  repair.  However,  as  we 
know  very  little  about  matters  of  this  kind, 
we  deferred  to  their  superior  knowledge  and 
comparatively  vast  experience. 

All  our  plumbing,  heating  apparatus  and 
piping  were  promptly  condemned  as  unsani 
tary,  dangerous  and  out  of  date.  It  was  rep 
resented  to  us  that  while  we  might  escape 
typhoid  fever,  cholera  infantum  and  canker 
rash,  the  chances  were  against  it.  Of  course 
we  did  not  want  to  expose  our  family  to  any 


i2o  A   Few  Neighbors 

unnecessary  danger,  and  so  we  gave  orders 
to  replumb  the  entire  outfit. 

This  order  given,  the  assistants  woke  up 
and,  judging  from  the  results,  the  first  day 
was  taken  up  in  boring  holes  in  the  walls 
and  plastering.  The  vigor  and  enthusiasm 
with  which  they  set  to  work  were  duly  evi 
denced  by  the  huge  slices  of  plaster  that 
came  off  when  the  augers  were  pulled  out. 

These  delicate  attentions  required  the  at 
tendance  of  a  skilled  artisan  in  mortar  and 
plaster,  who  charged  us  four  dollars  a  day 
and  the  cost  of  an  assistant,  whose  duties 
consisted  in  furnishing  a  light  for  his  pipe; 
at  least  we  never  saw  him  engaged  in  any 
other  work. 

The  third  day  we  found  the  house  so 
clogged  up  with  pipes,  coils,  boring  ma 
chines,  and  small  hand  furnaces  which,  like 
the  volcano  of  Guyot's  Common  School 
Geography,  "Belched  forth  fire,  smoke,  ashes 


A    Few  Neighbors  121 

and  lava,"  that  we  were  too  much  discour 
aged  to  investigate  further.  We  perma 
nently  withdrew  and  doubled  our  insurance. 

In  about  a  month  the  plumber  informed  us 
that  his  part  of  the  contract  was  finished,  and 
presented  us  with  a  bill  that  caused  us  to 
make  an  abrupt  and  complete  change  in  our 
style  of  living. 

After  his  withdrawal,  the  carpenter  ar 
rived,  and  the  entire  premises  were  filled  with 
joists,  boards,  weather  strips,  bad  tobacco, 
old  clay  pipes  and  tool-chests.  For  two  mor 
tal  weeks  the  same  carpenters  wrought  their 
will  on  the  long  suffering  house,  and  tfien, 
sated  with  evil  doing,  passed  to  fresh  pas 
tures,  leaving  a  bill  that  left  our  future  un- 
illumined  by  a  ray  of  hope. 

After  them  came  the  painters,  who  set  to 
work  in  their  peculiarly  insinuating  and 
practically  color-blind  way,  and  after  a  spec- 
troscopic  orgie  of  two  weeks,  retired,  having 


122  <A    'Few   Neighbors 

completed  our  despoliation,  and  left  several 
tons  of  paper  strippings,  plaster,  splinters 
and  painty  rags,  strewn,  heaped  and  scat 
tered  all  over  the  premises. 

It  took  us,  with  the  assistance  of  two  men 
and  three  women,  nearly  a  week  to  clear  up 
the  premises  and  burn  up  the  rubbish,  and 
when  the  place  was  ready  for  occupancy,  we 
felt  very  much  inclined  to  let  the  mortgagee 
foreclose.  But  the  spring  had  come,  the 
birds  were  arriving,  the  grass  was  peeping 
out  in  sheltered  and  sunny  corners,  the 
naked  earth  was  odorous  of  coming  vegeta 
tion,  the  sun  shone  warmly  and  we  were 
rilled  with  that  cheerful  optimism  that  comes 
only  in  sucfi  'delightful  days. 


CHAPTER  XI. 

EN  ROUTE. 

'nr^HE  complete  realization  of  one's 
•*•  wealth  does  not  come  to  one  until 
one  moves.  At  such  times  the  amount  of 
property  that  one  has,  in  some  unexplain- 
able  way  accumulated,  astonishes  and  appals 
one. 

When  we,  in  our  banishment  from  a 
neighborhood  meekly  looked  up  the  wheel 
barrow  and  harnessed  ourself  to  its  squeak 
ing  frame,  we  found  this  method  of  trans 
portation  entirely  inadequate  to  the  task  in 
hand. 

WHere  we  obtained  such  an  amount  of 

household  goods  we  could  not  imagine.    We 

had  no  recollection  of  buying  it,    and    we 

were  morally  certain  we  had  not  stolen  it,  or 

123 


124  -A   Few  Neighbors 

we  should  have  been  apprehended  in  short 
order.  The  public  hue  and  cry  over  stolen 
property  is  always  in  inverse  ratio  to  the 
value  of  the  property  stolen,  and  a  careful 
examination  on  our  part  disclosed  no  fur 
niture  of  any  value  whatever  except  our 
wife's  piano. 

So  we  were  forced  to  call  in  the  assistance 
of  a  professional  truckman,  whose  avowed 

occupation  was  to  move  furniture,  but  whose 

> 
vocation  as  practised  consisted  in  reducing 

the  greater  part  of  that  furniture  to  frag 
ments  in  the  shortest  possible  time. 

On  his  skill  of  this  nature  depended  the 
amount  of  his  bill,  and  with  so  powerful  an 
incentive,  the  atmosphere  contiguous  to  our 
soon-to-be-abandoned  premises  was  shortly 
filled  with  crashes,  jingles,  dismembered  fur 
niture  and  dreadful  profanity. 

It  is  but  fair  to  the  truckman  to  say  that 
the  greater  part  of  the  profanity  was  ours, 


A    Few   Neighbors  125 

and  but  fair  to  ourself  to  state  that  the  pro 
fanity  was  to  a  considerable  degree  excusable 
and  justifiable. 

Thus  passed  the  first  dreadful  day,  and 
that  night  we  crept  to  our  couches  in  the 
bare,  dusty,  dead-cold  rooms,  carefully,  but 
not  always  successfully,  avoiding  tacks, 
nails,  splinters,  broken  glass  and  crockery 
with  which  the  floors  were  plentifully  strewn. 
We  felt  that  fate  had  nothing  worse  in  store 
for  us,  but  fate  is  an  exceedingly  resource 
ful  young  person,  as  we  shortly  realized. 

The  next  day  the  truckman  arrived  Be 
times,  aroused  us  from  our  profound  slum 
bers  by  dismantling  some  frail  but  inexpen 
sive  ornaments  which  had  been  left  out  of 
doors  over  night,  broke  the  glass  in  the  front 
door,  gave  us  little  time  to  dress  and  none 
for  breakfast,  wrenched  apart  our  bedsteads 
with  jimmys  and  crowbars  and  dropped 
them  through  the  chamber  windows  into  the 


126  'A    Few   Neighbors 

hands  of  people  who  ought  to  have  been 
there  but  were  not. 

A  total  stranger,  who  happened  to  be  pass 
ing  at  an  inopportune  moment,  and  who  re 
ceived  the  side-bar  of  an  iron  bedstead  on 
the  point  of  his  jaw,  was  so  unfeeling  as  to 
retain  counsel  and  sue  us  for  heavy  damages 
in  an  action  for  assault  and  battery. 

Shortly  after  breakfast,  which  we  sorely 
needed  but  couldn't  obtain,  our  bedsteads 
were  set  up  in  our  new  house,  and  securely 
fastened  with  spikes  and  lengths  of  baled- 
hay  wire.  Then  the  gathering  clouds  broke 
and  a  steady  fall  of  rain  began,  which  neces 
sitated  the  prompt  withdrawal  of  our  truck 
men,  who  feared  the  possibly  fatal  effect  of 
water. 

At  any  other  time  we  should  have  gladly 
welcomed  their  permanent  withdrawal,  but 
now  their  desertion  was  most  inopportune. 
Our  bedsteads  were  at  one  end  of  the  town ; 


A    Few   Neighbors  127 

our  bedding  at  another;  a  heavy  rainstorm 
was  holding  a  protracted  session ;  a  gray  af 
ternoon  was  preceding  the  long,  cold  night 
of  a  bitter  New  England  spring;  and  we 
were  cold,  hungry  and  lame,  too  lame  to 
think  of  sleeping  on  bare  floors  and  awaken 
ing  in  the  gray  of  the  morning  with  the 
grain  and  knot-holes  of  the  rough  board 
floor  indelibly  reproduced  in  replica  upon  our 
persons. 

One  sole  resource  was  left  us ;  to  move  the 
bedding  ourself,  and  to  move  it  quickly,  in  as 
dry  a  condition  as  possible. 

We  have  a  mare,  which,  although  well- 
bred  and  spirited,  is  a  trifle  peculiar  and 
given  to  vagaries,  a  characteristic  not  un 
common  in  her  sex.  For  instance,  she  sees 
things  that  are  occult  to  human  senses,  a 
faculty  which  frequently  impels  her,  without 
any  apparent  reason,  to  snort  violently  and 
bound  frantically  about  our  barn,  dragging 


128  A    Few    Neighbors 

us  by  whatever  portion  of  our  person  may 
happen  to  be  attached  to  her.  She  will  oc 
casionally  back  rapidly  out  of  her  stall  bear 
ing  us,  protesting  profanely,  in  her  wake; 
but  her  strong  suit  is  halter  pulling. 

She  has  been  known,  when  hermetically 
attached  to  a  large  building,  to  brace  herself 
and  move  the  building  several  feet  from  its 
foundations,  or  to  carry  away  considerable 
portions  thereof,  to  accompany  her  in  erratic 
and  frenzied  circles  around  the  immediate 
neighborhood. 

We  have  several  nice  little  stone  posts  and 
iron  railings  that  she  has  hurriedly  brought 
home  attached  firmly  to  her  arched  neck  by 
the  thick  hitching  rope,  after  thoughtfully 
leaving  the  shattered  remains  of  our  buggy 
as  security  therefor. 

We  also  have  a  solid  Democrat  wagon  and 
a  stout  harness,  so  we  thought  that,  by  the 
combination  of  these  three  plus  a  water- 


A  Few  Neighbors  129 

proof  trunk,  we  might  remove  our  bedding 
to  the  new  house. 

While  our  wife  with  great  exertion 
crowded  a  bolster  and  two  blankets  into  a 
trunk,  we  made  for  the  stable  to  hitch  our 
erratic  but  speedy  animal  into  the  Democrat 
wagon.  We  shortly  reappeared,  clinging 
desperately  to  the  bit,  that  energetic  and 
playful  animal  having  traversed  the  distance 
on  her  hind  legs,  our  ditto  not  having 
touched  the  ground  since  the  start. 

When  she  obligingly  stopped  and  lowered 
us  to  the  ground,  we  hitched  her  by  a  sort 
of  hawser  to  the  only  tree  in  the  neighbor 
hood  that  we  had  not  cut  down,  and  blithely 
hoisted  the  trunk  into  the  wagon.  If  we 
had  followed  the  dictates  of  our  powerful 
mind,  we  should  have  taken  nothing  else, 
but  yielding,  as  we  invariably  do,  to  our 
wife's  commands,  we  took  on  a  cargo  con 
sisting  of  a  crockery  chamber-set,  a  bushel- 


130  'A   Few  Neighbors 

basket  of  kitchen  ware,  and  a  commode  with 
clattering  contents,  which  compelled  us  to 
discard  the  comfortable  seat  for  an  uncom 
fortable  perch  on  the  edge  of  a  trunk  with 
ragged,  upturned,  tin  corners. 

The  cargo  aboard,  we  climbed  to  the  pilot 
house,  weighed  anchor,  cast  off  the  hawser 
and  started  with  an  abruptness  that  nearly 
left  our  head  behind.  We  did  leave  one  lit 
tle  souvenir  of  our  departure,  a  hand-paint 
ed  pitcher,  which  fell  on  the  only  stone  in 
the  neighborhood  and  was  shattered  beyond 
repair.  As  we  faded  into  the  distance  with 
frantic  bounds,  amid  a  terrific  rattle  of  tin 
ware  and  crockery,  our  wife's  horrified  re 
marks  and  somewhat  lurid  reproaches  over 
the  loss  of  her  pitcher  gradually  died  away. 

Indeed,  we  were  altogether  too  much  oc 
cupied  in  preserving  the  rest  of  our  load  and, 
incidentally  our  own  safety,  to  pay  much  at 
tention  to  her  views  of  the  matter.  It  is  a 


'A   Few  Neighbors  131 

well  known  fact,  a  sort  of  self-evident  truth, 
that  both  Court  and  Pine  streets  are  full  of 
cradle  holes,  ruts  and  gullies,  which,  al 
though  glaringly  and  painfully  evident  to 
the  residents  thereon  and  the  casual  travel 
ler  thereover,  have  for  years  escaped  the 
myopic  vision  of  our  justly  celebrated  road 
agent.  So  in  our  hurried  passage  that  moist 
afternoon,  we,  our  load  and  the  wheels  of 
our  wagon  performed  most  of  the  journey  in 
the  air. 

At  the  big  tree  at  the  entrance  to  Gilman 
park,  we  involuntarily  parted  with  the  com 
mode,  which  fell  with  a  splintering  crash  of 
rending  wood  and  reverberating  clash  with 
in,  which  added  to  our  mare's  frantic 
bounds.  At  the  head  of  Elliott  Street  the 
rest  of  the  chamber  set  bounded  over  the 
tailboard,  and  we  only  saved  ourself  from 
following  by  gymnastic  ability  of  a  very  high 
order. 


132  A    Few   Neighbors 

At  Pine  Street  we  were  going  at  a  velocity 
that  precluded  the  possibility  of  turning  into 
that  street  without  certain  destruction,  so  we 
steered  straight  for  Kensington  "Ventre  a 
terre." 

We  have  always  deprecated  throwing  old 
tinware  into  the  river  as  an  untidy,  danger 
ous  and  foolish  habit.  How  much  better  it 
is  during  the  shades  of  night  to  slip  it  quietly 
into  the  most  distant  part  of  your  neighbor's 
yard,  thus  diverting  suspicion  from  you  to 
your  neighbor's  neighbor.  However,  upon 
reaching  Little  River  Bridge  a  terrific 
bounce  of  the  wagon  sent  our  tinware  flying 
into  the  river.  After  a  mile  or  more  of  up 
hill  galloping  by  our  sweating  horse,  and  ti- 
tantic  exertions  by  ourself,  we  succeeded  in 
checking  that  animal's  mad  flight,  turned 
her  and  proceeded  rapidly,  but  under  full 
command,  to  our  new  house,  where  we  un 
loaded  what  remained  of  our  cargo,  and  re 
turned  for  more. 


A    Few   Neighbors  133 

The  remaining  trips  were  muddy  but  un 
eventful,  as  we  had  taken  the  precaution  to 
tack  down  securely  the  upturned  edges  of 
the  tin  covering,  which  had  abraded  us 
cruelly.  Late  that  night  when  we  stretched 
ourself  on  our  somewhat  clammy  couch,  we 
felt  that  supreme  satisfaction  which  comes  of 
ownership. 

At  last  we  were  in  our  own  house.  Hith 
erto  we  had  lived  in  other  people's  houses, 
where  our  continued  residence  depended 
either  upon  prompt  payment  of  the  rent,  or 
some  plausible  excuse  for  non-payment  of 
the  same.  True  there  was  the  mortgage, 
but  in  the  nature  of  things  the  mortgage 
would  not  be  foreclosed  until  the  interest 
was  in  default,  and  interest  was  payable  an 
nually.  So  with  a  year's  continuous  resi 
dence  practically  secured,  we  slept  peace 
fully. 


CHAPTER  XII. 

THE  JOYS  OF  MOVING. 

THE  next  day  we  rose  betimes,  or 
rather  we  dragged  ourself  from 
our  damp  and  musty  couch  and,  extract 
ing  some  of  the  dryest  wood  from  a 
mildewed  woodpile  and  collecting  a 
bushel  or  two  of  excelsior,  we  essayed 
to  build  a  fire  in  the  fire-place,  as 
we  had  taken  no  lessons  in  running  a  boiler. 
It  would  perhaps  have  been  as  well  as  if  we 
had  tried  the  boiler.  We  could  not  possibly 
have  been  blown  up  more  thoroughly  than 
we  were  by  our  wife  after  enough  of  the 
smoke  had  drifted  away  to  allow  her  vocal 
gifts  full  swing. 

As  we  stooped  and  touched  a   match   to 
'34 


A    Few   Neighbors  135 

the  pile,  we  thought  how  delightfully  com 
fortable  a  fire-place  was.  How  many  pleas 
ant  evenings  we  promised  ourself,  sitting  by 
that  same  fire-place  in  an  easy  chair,  leaning 
our  head  on  our  hand,  looking  into  the  danc 
ing  flames  and  dreaming  dreams.  We  al 
ways  did  like  to  dream  dreams  much  better 
than  to  work  work.  There  is  something  par 
ticularly  soothing  in  dreaming  dreams,  ex 
cept  when  we  dream  something  dreadful  is 
chasing  us  and  our  legs  keep  bending  up  so 
we  can't  get  away,  or  when  we  dream 
dreams  in  which  we  are  the  most  conspicuous 
person  on  the  ball-room  floor,  having  unac 
countably  neglected  to  put  on  our  trousers. 

On  the  other  hand,  working  work  is  any 
thing  but  soothing  and  restful,  and  it  is  a 
form  of  dissipation  to  which  we  have  never 
been  addicted.  We  are  sometimes  forced  to 
work,  but  we  never  knowingly  or  willingly 
commit  any  more  work  than  our  material 
needs  and  those  of  our  family  require. 


136  <A   'Few  Neighbors 

But  let  us  see  where  were  we  when  we  be 
gan  'dreams?  Oh  yes,  we  were  stooping 
down  before  the  fire-place  touching  a  match 
to  some  excelsior.  What  a  simple  but  grand 
thing  an  old  fashioned  chimney  is,  we 
thought,  as  a  bright  flame  caught  the  excel 
sior  and  spread  rapidly  through  the  pile. 
Suddenly  there  was  a  sound  as  if  the  chim 
ney  sneezed,  and  dense  clouds  of  smoke  be 
gan  to  pour  into  the  room. 

"Volumed  and  vast  and  rolling  far 
The  cloud  enveloped  Scotland's  war 
As  down  the  hill  they  broke." 

We  didn't  exactly  break  down  the  hill,  but 
we  blindly  and  gaspingly  groped  our  way 
from  window  to  window,  trying  vainly  to 
open  casements  that  had  not  been  opened 
for  years,  and  couldn't  be  opened  by  any 
thing  short  of  blasting  powder. 

We  rushed  frantically  to  the  door,  but  the 
smoke  was  ahead  of  us,  for  finding  no  exit 


A    Few   Neighbors  137 

it  had  poured  joyously  upstairs  to  surprise 
our  wife  and  announce  its  presence.  Indeed 
our  whole  family  was  surprised.  They 
voiced  their  amazement  in  nasal  expressions 
that  sounded  like  Polish  dialogue,  and  were 
mercifully  prevented  from  hurling  scathing 
denunciations  at  us,  to  which  our  condition 
of  bronchial  suffocation  would  not  have  al 
lowed  us  suitably  and  feelingly  to  reply. 

Before  the  smoke  cleared  away  our  family 
had  escaped  by  the  back  way,  and  now  fore 
gathered  on  the  porch  to  vent  their  unani 
mous  opinion  that  something  must  be  wrong 
with  the  chimney,  the  puerility  of  which  re 
mark  we  grieve  to  say,  stirred  us  to  profan 
ity,  the  vigor  of  which  was  intensified  when 
we  found  that  we  had  neglected  to  open  the 
chimney  damper  before  starting  the  fire. 

There  we  stood  and  talked  the  matter  over 
in  bronchially  staccato  tones,  while  dense 
white  smoke  poured  from  the  door.  Theje 


138  A    Few   Neighbors 

is  more  smoke  and  less  flame  in  excelsior 
when  burned  in  a  draughtless  chimney,  and 
more  flame  and  less  smoke  in  the  same  ar 
ticle  when  burned  in  the  open  than  any  ex 
plosive  of  fuel  known  to  science. 

When  we  were  again  able  to  enter  the 
portals  of  our  residence  we  were  in  a  condi 
tion  of  famine  indescribable,  and  we  joined 
our  entreaties  to  those  of  our  children  for 
breakfast. 

Reader,  did  you  ever  hear  of  peanut  but 
ter?  Likewise  of  ready-made  salad  dress 
ing?  Also  of  the  many  substitutes  for  cof 
fee,  which  neither  cheer,  inebriate  nor  exhil 
arate  ?  And  can  a  man  who  is  suffering  the 
pangs  almost  of  dissolution  be  reasonably 
expected  to  be  a  Christian  and  a  gentleman, 
when  called  upon  to  partake  of  a  banquet  of 
crackers  surmounted  by  peanut  butter,  more 
crackers  garnished  with  superincumbent  fac 
tory-made  salad  dressing,  and  imitation  cof- 


A    Few   Neighbors  139 

fee  that  tastes  like  an  infusion  of  hayseed 
sweetened  with  eighteen  cent  molasses  ?  Can 
a  man,  I  repeat,  be  expected  to  conduct  him 
self  so  as  to  win  Sabbath  School  Rewards  of 
Merit  ? 

We  lay  no  claim  to  superiority  over  our 
fellowmen.  Other  people  claim,  and  perhaps 
with  truth,  that  we  are  much  worse.  We 
are  not  prepared,  for  reasons  of  a  purely  per 
sonal  nature,  to  enter  into  a  discussion  on 
this  point,  but  acknowledge  that  we  ex 
pressed  our  dissatisfaction  with  more  frank 
ness,  perhaps,  than  the  situation  warranted. 
In  fact,  if  our  recollection  is  correct,  we  be 
lieve  we  then  and  there  publicly  wished  we 
had  never  bought  the  condemned  old  house, 
and  made  other  remarks  calculated  to  pain 
the  oversensitive. 

We  were  wrong  in  this.  We  freely  admit 
it.  But  then — peanut  butter,  factory-made 
salad  dressing,  imitation  coffee!  Think  of 


140  A    Few   Neighbors 

it!  How  could  one  expect  us,  after  such  a 
breakfast  as  that,  to  balance  ourself  painfully 
on  the  back  of  a  chair,  in  order  to  hang  on 
the  wall  "Washington  Crossing  the  Dela 
ware,"  and  retain  any  respect  whatever  for 
Washington  or  the  Delaware?  How  could 
we  elevate  "Wide  Awake  and  Fast  Asleep" 
to  its  proper  hook,  with  any  remnant  of  af 
fection  for  that  gaudy  chromoscope?  How 
could  we  scale  the  dining-room  mantelpiece 
and  leave  pendant  "God  Bless  Our  Home," 
without  imagining  sentiments  of  like  rhythm 
but  utterly  diverse  meaning?  Think  of  pea 
nut  butter,  factory-made  salad  dressing,  imi 
tation  coffee! 

As  we  rescued  the  tidies  and  nailed  them 
to  the  hair  cloth  rockers  and  sofas;  placed 
the  individual  fly-screens  over  what  re 
mained  of  our  frugal  meal,  and  replaced  the 
bric-a-brac  on  the  mahogany  whatnot;  sort 
ed  out  the  picture  frames  made  of  varnished 


A    Few   Neighbors  141 

shells  and  corn  on  the  cob;  carefully  un 
packed  the  wax  flowers  under  the  glass 
frame,  the  beautiful  swinging  crystal  ship 
that  we  got  years  ago  at  the  glass  blowers 
by  purchasing  a  bottle  of  Radburn's  Ready 
Revivifier,  the  machine-made  dining-room 
picture  in  hectic  colors  of  a  goblet  of  lemon 
ade,  a  bunch  of  mammoth  grapes  and  a 
halved  orange,  there  was  no  joy  in  our  heart, 
and  no  thankfulness  for  their  preservation. 

But  the  petty  annoyances  of  life  do  not 
take  very  deep  root  in  our  sunny  and  shal 
low  nature,  and  an  excellent  dinner  of  por 
terhouse  steak  and  real  coffee  did  so  much 
towards  completely  restoring  our  mental  and 
moral  tone,  that  we  betook  ourself  with  real 
enthusiasm  to  putting  down  the  rugs. 

The  apple  of  our  wife's  eye,  the  one  treas 
ure  of  her  heart  that  was  first,  foremost  and 
everlasting  in  her  sleeping  and  waking 
thoughts,  was  her  big  parlor  rug,  known  to 


142  A    Few   Neighbors 

patrons  of  art  and  department  stores  as  an 
"Art  Square."  A  few  days  prior  to  our  re 
moval,  she  had  prepared  it  for  transportation 
by  carefully  wrapping  it  in  tissue  paper,  and 
after  it  had  been  thoroughly  beaten,  and 
cleaned  with  alcohol  it  was  spread  out  in  that 
part  of  our  stable  sacred  to  our  old  box  wheel 
Concord  wagon  and  our  Democrat,  built  in 
the  '40*8. 

That  morning  when  we  went  to  the  stable 
to  feed  our  mare,  we  found  that  animal  loose 
in  her  stall,  but,  as  this  was  by  no  means 
an  uncommon  occurrence,  we  fed  and  fast 
ened  her  and  returned.  But  that  afternoon, 
strong  from  our  hearty  meal,  when  the  sun 
shone,  the  birds  sang  and  we  were  full  of 
that  homely  joy,  which  comes  from  obstacles 
conquered  and  duties  well  done,  we  threw 
open  the  big  door  and  entered  the  carriage 
room,  we  were  perfectly  paralyzed  at  the 
dreadful  sight  that  met  our  amazed  eyes. 


'A    Few   Neighbors  143 

From  certain  unmistakable  signs,  we 
concluded  that  our  mare  had  wandered 
into  the  carriage  room,  had  evidently 
become  fascinated  with  the  beautiful  rug 
and  had  spent  the  night  upon  it,  gnaw 
ing,  pawing,  lying  down,  getting  up, 
chewing  and  cribbing  the  treasured  tapestry, 
until  its  glories  were  departed  and  its  useful 
ness  utterly  destroyed. 

Our  first  thought  was  to  close  the  doors 
quietly,  pack  our  grip,  and  as  quietly  leave 
town ;  our  next  was  to  take  our  carriage  whip 
to  lambaste  the  destroyer  of  our  peace  of 
mind  and  our  "Art  Square;"  but  before  we 
could  put  either  plan  into  practice,  our  wife 
appeared  and  was  completely  unnerved  by 
the  dreadful  shock. 

We  should  gladly  draw  the  "Art  Square" 
over  the  subsequent  scene,  but  it  was  useless 
for  any  purpose,  and  so  in  obedience  to  the 
custom  of  book  writers  we  draw  either  a  veil 


144  -A    FCW    Neighbors 

or  a  mantle  of  charity,  choose  which  you 
will.  We  hope  that  either  is  sufficiently 
opaque  to  hide  completely  the  scene  of  do 
mestic  unhappiness  that  ensued. 

After  an  hour  or  so,  when  things  had 
quieted  down  a  bit,  and  our  voluble  explana 
tions  and  excuses  had  in  a  measure  exhaust 
ed  the  subject,  a  long  wagon  hove  in  sight, 
bearing  a  cartload  of  red,  orange,  yellow, 
green,  blue,  indigo  and  violet  chairs,  garden 
seats  and  rockers.  With  a  sincere  desire  to 
change  the  subject  and  atone  in  a  measure 
for  our  carelessness,  we  suggested  that  pos 
sibly  an  easy  rocker  or  two  might  add  to  the 
picturesqueness  of  our  premises.  Thought 
lessly  telling  our  wife  ta  get  just  what  she 
wanted,  we  started  down  town  to  wring 
from  reluctant  debtors  enough  money  to  pay 
for  a  couple  of  chairs. 

By  good  luck  we  happened  to  meet  a  client 
who,  strange  to  say,  desired  to  pay  his  bill 


'A    Few   Neighbors  145 

without  criticism  of  the  ratio  between  ser 
vices  rendered  and  benefit  derived  therefrom, 
and  in  a  few  minutes  we  were  on  the  way 
back  with  a  comfortable  roll.  It  is  these 
small  unexpected  happenings  that  serve  to 
render  the  practice  of  law  in  a  country  town 
bearable;  these  little  rifts  in  the  clouds  that 
let  sunshine  into  the  life  of  the  country 
squire. 

When  we  arrived  at  the  head  of  Pine 
Street,  we  noticed  a  number  of  people  gath 
ering  in  front  of  the  house,  and  a  vast  pile 
of  furniture  heaped  helter,  skelter  on  the 
sidewalk.  There  had  evidently  been  an  acci 
dent,  for  an  empty  team  stood  on  the  other 
side  of  the  street,  and  the  driver  appeared  to 
be  engaged  in  an  excited  colloquy  with  our 
wife. 

How  unfortunate  for  the  poor  fellow,  we 
thought,  to  have  an  accident  so  early  in  his 
trip.  We  will  do  what  we  can  to  help  him, 


146  A    Few    Neighbors 

even  if  we  have  to  buy  a  few  damaged  chairs 
— at  proper  discount.  Never  shall  it  be  said 
that  we  have  sent  the  worthy  and  unfortu 
nate  penniless  from  our  door. 

Animated  by  these  kind  thoughts,  we 
quickened  our  pace,  pondering  over  the 
prospective  bargains  and,  arriving  almost 
out  of  breath,  were  rendered  completely  so 
by  the  calm  announcement  of  our  wife  that 
she  had  bought  the  whole  load,  ladders  and 
all,  and  they  had  been  piled  up  in  front  of 
the  house.  Whereupon,  amid  a  silence  so 
profound  that  the  buzzing  of  our  tortured 
brain  was  perfectly  audible,  we  paid  forty- 
seven  dollars  and  seventy-five  cents  out  of 
the  forty-five  we  had  received  from  our 
client.  Sarcastically  inquiring  of  our  wife 
why  she  didn't  buy  the  horse  and  wagon,  we 
strode  into  the  house  and  slammed  the  door, 
leaving  our  family  to  carry  their  purchases 
in  as  best  they  could. 


CHAPTER  XIII. 

OUR  WATER  SUPPLY. 

"Not  a  full-blushing  goblet  would  tempt  me  to 

leave  it, 
Though  filled  with  the  nectar  that  Jupiter  sips.'* 

ISING  the  next  morning  after  a  heavy 
slumber  of  exhaustion,  we  set  our 
selves  briskly,  that  fs,  briskly  for  us,  to  the 
task  of  improving  our  water  supply.  A  few 
years  before,  we  had  filled  up  our  well  on 
Court  Street,  an  excellent  well,  which  had 
been  in  constant  service  for  about  fifty  years. 
At  that  time  there  was  a  moderate  epi 
demic  of  typhoid  in  certain  parts  of  our 
town,  and  an  analysis  of  several  wells 
showed  an  alarming  predominance  of  poi 
sonous  matter  in  the  water.  In  fact,  it  was 
openly  stated  that  the  wells  of  Exeter  were 
H7 


148  'A    'Few   Neighbors 

in  a  most  unsanitary  and  dangerous  condi 
tion,  and  that  persistence  in  the  use  of  such 
water  would  infallibly  result  in  the  total  ex 
tinction  of  the  population. 

True  enough,  we  had  felt  that  spring  a 
greater  reluctance  to  work  than  ever  before. 
We  attributed  this  to  the  fact  that  it  was 
many  years  since  the  sulphur  arid  molasses 
dish,  that  old  white  bowl  with  the  blue  rim, 
had  circulated  nightly  in  our  immediate  fam 
ily.  By  our  intimate  friends  and  associates 
of  years,  our  condition  was  attributed  to  in 
creased  laziness  on  our  part,  in  which  we  are 
forced  to  conclude  they  were  probably  cor 
rect.  However,  on  consulting  our  medical 
library,  which  consisted  of  a  blue  and  gold 
volume,  entitled  "The  Family  Doctor  and 
Medical  Advisor  at  Home"  and  bearing  the 
portrait  of  a  gentleman  garnished  with 
spreading  whiskers,  of  a  type  that  would  not 
look  at  home  anywhere  except  possibly  as 


A    Few   Neighbors  149 

stuffing  for  a  buggy  cushion,  we  found  that 
"Typhoid  fever  is  often  preceded  by  a  leth 
argic  condition  of  the  patient,  accompanied 
by  occasional  pains  in  the  pelvic  regions." 
We  had  all  those. 

"The  patient  loathes  work."    We  did. 

Mental  effort  is  repugnant."  It  always 
was  with  us.  This  must  have  been  coming 
on  for  a  long  time. 

"The  patient  awakes  in  the  morning  with 
mind  unrefreshed."  So  did  we. 

"He  is  capricious  and  irritable."  Our 
wife  had  frequently  intimated  as  much. 

It  was  evident  that  we  were  in  a  pretty 
bad  way.  So  the  first  thing  we  did  was  to 
bottle  up  a  quart  of  our  well  water  to  send 
it  to  a  reputable  chemist. 

It  chanced,  however,  that  our  son,  then  a 
small  boy,  had  noticed  in  a  neighbor's  rain 
barrel  hundreds  of  tiny  wigglers  or  unde 
veloped  mosquitoes,  and  like  all  boys,  desir- 


150  TA    Few   Neighbors 

ing  to  possess  a  few  of  these  fascinating  ani 
mals,  had  dipped  up  a  basin  full.  Seeing  the 
broad-mouthed  bottle  where  we  had  un 
guardedly  left  it,  he  emptied  out  the  clean 
water  and  filled  it  with  stagnant  rain  water, 
alive  with  microbes,  wigglers  and  other  kin 
dred  impurities. 

On  our  return  in  the  evening  we  sealed 
and  wrapped  up  the  bottle,  directed  and  sent 
it,  not  noticing  in  the  semi-darkness  any 
change  in  its  contents.  The  next  day  we  re 
ceived  a  telegram  which  read  at  follows: 

"At  work  on  sample,  don't  use  water  on 
your  life."  This  created  considerable  inter 
est  in  the  matter,  and  we  anxiously  awaited 
the  result  of  the  analysis.  In  a  few  days  the 
analysis  arrived,  an  analysis  that  fairly 
electrified  the  neighborhood  and  caused  the 
closing  of  more  wells  than  anything  in  recent 
years. 


A   Few   Neighbors  151 

It  read  as  follows : 

Animal  matter  3.4682  plus 

Mineral  salts    1.8641 

Vegetable  matter  2.9653  plus 

Active  poisons 3.2876 

Typhus  germs   2.451 

Typhoid  microbes   2.7862 

Typhoon  bacteria  3.6147 

Corpus  pollywogorum   3.286 


23.7232 

"This  water  would  kill  mud  turtles.  Its 
use  should  be  made  a  felony." 

Before  night  our  well  was  rilled,  in  a 
week's  time  scarcely  a  well  in  our  neighbor 
hood  remained  in  use,  and  the  Exeter  Water 
Works  was  doing  a  land  office  business.  It 
was  only  when  our  son  wept  loudly  over  the 
loss  of  his  bottle  of  pollywogs  that  we  com 
prehended  the  situation.  Inasmuch  as  the 
mischief  had  been  done,  we  thought  it  would 
be  wise  not  to  explain  matters  to  our  neigh 
bors,  at  least  at  that  time,  lest  we  be  com- 


152  A    Few   Neighbors 

pelled  to  re-open  wells  at  our  personal  ex 
pense. 

When  we  learned  that  there  was  a  famous 
well  of  water  in  the  new  house,  it  was  one 
of  the  powerful  incentives  which  impelled  us 
to  the  purchase  of  the  place,  with  the  before 
mentioned  accompaniments  of  mortgage,  tax 
rate,  etc.  While  we  did  not  dislike  the  town 
water  furnished  'by  the  Water  Works,  we 
had  from  infancy  been  accustomed  to  water 
so  hard  that  anything  softer  than  well  water 
did  not  satisfy  a  naturally  strong  thirst; 
just  as  beer  and  light  wines  are  apt  to  pall 
upon  a  stomach  accustomed  to  new  rum  and 
barbed-wire  whiskey. 

Now  we  revelled  in  the  prospect  of  drink 
ing  well  water  that  did  not  require  artificial 
means  for  cooling.  How  many  times  in  the 
previous  two  years  had  we,  on  a  hot  summer 
day,  hastened  home  with  throats  so  dry  that 
we  couldn't  articulate  plainly,  only  to  find 


'A    Few   Neighbors  153 

that  the  ice  man  had  not  arrived,  and  that 
the  tepid  water  we  were  forced  to  drink 
tasted  just  as  river  water  used  to  when  we 
were  boys  and  went  fishing. 

By  the  way,  why  is  it  that  years  ago  we 
could  drink  unnumbered  gallons  of  river  wa 
ter,  and  fortunately,  for  ourself  at  least,  es 
cape  typhoid  fever.  We  could  and  did  step 
on  and  lacerate  ourself  with  broken  glass, 
tin  cans,  rusty  knives  and  other  lethal  weap 
ons  with  only  trifling  inconvenience,  when 
to-day  the  slightest  pin-prick  infallibly  re 
sults  in  blood  poisoning,  an  operation  for 
appendicitis,  and  its  resulting  ceremonies? 

As  we  have  remarked,  we  were  delighted 
with  our  well  and  bragged  of  it  to  a  sinful 
degree.  The  pump  to  this  well  was  in  the 
kitchen,  and  at  the  slightest  motion  of  the 
handle,  water  would  pour  out  in  an  abun 
dant  stream.  One  thing,  however,  we  wished 
to  change.  In  the  rear  part  of  the  house  was 


154  A    Few   Neighbors 

a  deep,  dark  cistern,  which  would  naturally 
be  of  little  use,  now  that  the  house  was 
piped  for  town  water.  We  could  not  under 
stand  why  so  careful  a  man  as  the  former 
owner  had  not  rilled  it  up.  It  really  seemed 
to  us  to  be  criminal  neglect.  An  unused  cis 
tern  was  certainly  unsanitary,  and  the  dan 
ger  of  children  falling  into  it  was  imminent. 
Two  men  and  a  team  of  horses  spent  the  bet 
ter  part  of  two  days  in  filling  up  the  cistern 
with  stones,  broken  brick,  ashes  and  coal 
dust  and  stamping  it  down  as  hard  as  nails. 

We  were  somewhat  chagrined  the  next 
day  to  find  something  wrong  with  our  pump. 
It  refused  to  work,  although  we  poured  gal 
lons  of  water  into  it,  and  pumped  and  puffed 
for  a  half  hour  or  more. 

As  we  were  busy  the  next  two  days,  we 
had  no  time  to  send  for  a  skilled  workman, 
but  at  the  very  first  opportunity  we  secured 
a  mechanic,  who  after  an  examination,  in 


'A    Few    Neighbors  155 

which  water,  unproductive  exertion  and  vit 
riolic  language  played  a  part,  sagely  opined 
that  something  was  wrong  with  the  suction 
valve.  The  suction  valve  was  dragged  forth 
for  inspection,  repaired  and  replaced.  More 
water  poured  down  the  hole  in  the  top,  more 
exertion,  more  acidulated  comment. 

This  time  the  plunger  was  unquestionably 
out  of  plumb.  It  was  disconnected,  drawn 
forth,  squinted  at,  gun-fashion,  pronounced 
true  to  level  and  replaced.  More  water, 
more  see-sawing  of  pump  handle,  more  un- 
expurgated  oratory.  It  was  evident  now 
that  something  was  wrong  with  the  pipe 
and  expensive  preparations  were  made  to 
pull  the  pump  up  bodily.  Two  brawny  work 
men  were  sent  for,  but  their  united  exertions 
were  fruitless.  The  more  they  strained  and 
swore,  the  tighter  the  pump  stuck.  Finally, 
an  opening  was  made  in  the  floor  and  one  of 
the  men  descended  with  a  lantern,  while  the 


156  A    Few   Neighbors 

rest  of  us  kept  firm  hold  of  a  rope  which  was 
tied  around  his  waist,  to  prevent  his  falling 
into  the  well  headlong,  and  there  perishing 
miserably. 

After  a  short  examination  he  reported, 
"Say,  boss,  dey  aint  no  well  here.  Dis  pump 
is  hitched  to  a  pipe  and  de  pipe  runs  back 
under  de  back  room."  So  by  paying  out  the 
line  he  crawled  back  a  few  yards  and  then 
sung  out,  "Hey,  f alleys,  I  bumped  me  coco 
agenst  the  well,  a  big  brick  one." 

"Why,"  we  lamely  explained  to  the  boss, 
"that  Is  the  cistern,  and  I  had  that  filled  up 
day  before  yesterday." 

"Come  out,  Mike,"  shouted  the  boss. 
"Come  on,  felleys,  we  aint  no  good  here. 
The  next  time  youse  want  youse  pump  to 
give  water,  youse  got  to  have  some  water 
handy,  see?"  he  continued,  as  Mike,  dishev 
eled,  crawled  out  of  the  hole  in  the  floor. 
"Come  on,  felleys,"  he  growled  as  he  turned 


A    Few   Neighbors  157 

towards  the  door,  "dis  aint  no  speriment  sta 
tion."  As  they  clumped  down  the  steps,  I 
overheard  Mike  saying,  "Did  youse  ever 
know  a  lawyer  wat  knowed  anything?" 

We  were  too  much  discouraged  to  contra 
dict  him. 


CHAPTER  XIV. 

"FALSE  DAWN." 

"Timeo  Danaos  et  dona  ferentes." 

O  O  far  in  our  new  abode  we  had  seen  but 
*^  little  of  our  new  neighbors.  It  may 
have  been  that  they  were  afraid  to  try  to 
penetrate  the  thick  tangle  of  underbrush  that 
separated  us  from  the  thoroughfare.  It  may 
have  been, — but  never  mind.  At  all  events 
we  were  confident  that  they  welcomed  us,  for 
a  few  evenings  after  our  arrival  a  magnifi 
cent  bouquet  arrived  by  messenger,  as  he 

said,  from  Professor  and  Mrs.  .     Now 

that  was  extremely  kind  of  our  good  neigh 
bors  and  we  felt  cheered  beyond  measure. 
The  discouragements  of  the  past  few  days 
disappeared  as  if  by  enchantment. 

There  is  nothing  that  so  surely  bespeaks 
158 


A    Few   Neighbors  159 

refinement  as  a  gift  of  flowers.  Corned  beef- 
sandwiches  and  coffee  may  evidence  strong 
sympathy  and  an  earnest  desire  to  extend 
material  aid.  Ice  cream  and  strawberries 
may  argue  more  delicacy  of  taste,  greater 
appreciation  of  the  higher  qualities  of  the 
donee,  but  a  gift  of  flowers  bespeaks  intui 
tive  recognition  of  that  delicacy  with  which 
we  have  long  desired  our  name  to  be  associ 
ated.  It  was  delightful  to  feel  that  recogni 
tion  was  at  hand.  So  while  our  wife  dis 
membered  the  bouquet  and  tastefully  arrayed 
the  component  parts  thereof  around  the 
room,  we  sat  down  and  composed  a  heartfelt 
letter  of  thanks  to  our  friend,  the  Professor, 
in  which  we  incorporated  our  best  and  most 
idiomatic  English,  and  several  choice  quota 
tions  which  we  were  at  some  pains  to  look 
up  for  the  occasion. 

Indeed,  we  then  and  there  resolved  to  re 
new  our  slight  acquaintance  with  the  clas- 


160  A    Fezu    Neighbors 

stcs,  and  to  spend  at  least  a  part  of  every 
day  in  studying  some  of  the  best  authors, 
for  the  purpose  of  filling  with  distinction  the 
position  we  felt  we  were  called  upon  to  oc 
cupy.  The  next  day  the  same  messenger  ar 
rived  with  a  choice  book  of  poems  on  the  fly 
leaf  of  which  was  written,  "To  my  friend, 
in  grateful  appreciation  of  his  splendid 
work." 

There  could  be  no  doubt  of  it.  Recogni 
tion  had  arrived.  Belated,  delayed,  long- 
looked-for  recognition.  We  could  not  quite 
understand  what  particular  work  of  ours 
could  properly  be  described  as  splendid,  or 
could  justly  merit  the  token  of  appreciation 
we  had  received ;  but  never  mind  that.  Other 
people  appreciated  us,  and  we  certainly  had 
no  desire  to  question  the  correctness  of  their 
views  or  the  sincerity  of  their  admiration. 

It  was  evident  that  we  had  cast  our  lot  in 
a  very  interesting  neighborhood  indeed.  The 


A    Few   Neighbors  161 

next  day,  when  a  beautiful  spring  hat  ar 
rived  for  our  wife,  our  heart  and  that  of  our 
wife  were  filled  to  overflowing.  We  won 
dered,  what  next?  Herbert  Spencer's 
"Philosophy  of  Style"  occupied  all  our  even 
ing,  while  our  wife  thoroughly  memorized 
Nevers'  Suite,  "A  Day  in  Venice,"  in  careful 
preparation  for  the  part  we  were  to  play  in 
keeping  up  the  musical  and  literary  tradi 
tions  of  the  street. 

Nevertheless,  we  were  not  unmindful  of 
the  condition  of  our  real  estate,  and  the  next 
day  essayed  to  put  in  a  gladsome  hour  mow 
ing  the  lawn.  It  was  8  o'clock  when  we  be 
gan  and  we  were  doing  famously,  all  nature 
being  pervaded  with  the  whirr  and  clatter  of 
the  machine.  Grass,  weeds,  roots,  herbs, 
discarded  wire  netting,  broken  glass  and 
crockery  were  flying  in  all  directions,  as  we, 
inspired  by  cheerful  thoughts,  blithely 
pushed  the  mower  to  and  fro  in  front  of  our 


1 62  'A    Few   Neighbors 

house,  when  a  prodigious  roar  from  a  neigh 
boring  window  arrested  our  progress  just  as 
our  machine  had  neatly  clipped  a  tin  tobacco 
box  and  an  old  curry-comb  to  infinitesimal 
fragments. 

On  looking  towards  the  quarter  whence 
the  noise  proceeded,  we  saw  a  massive  form 
clad  in  toga  noctis  leaning  from  the  chamber 
window  of  a  neighboring  house  and  evident 
ly  much  disturbed  at  our  unusual  proceeding. 
As  we  paused  in  astonishment  he  hailed  us, 
"Hi  there,  Plupy,  what  are  you  making  that 
infernal  noise  in  the  middle  of  the  night  for? 
Don't  you  want  anyone  to  get  any  sleep  at 
all?" 

"Why,"  we  stammered,  "we  thought  it 
was  morning.  We  heard  the  Academy  bell 
ring  twenty  minutes  ago.  What  time  of  day 
does  morning  come  up  here?" 

"Not  before  10:30  a.  m.  That  we  call 
daybreak.  Eleven  a.  m.  is  sunrise,  and  11.30 


'A    Few   Neighbors  163 

breakfast.  We  have  to  hustle  to  get  break 
fast  so  soon  after  sunrise.  When  I  was 
selectman  people  used  to  come  frequently  be 
fore  breakfast  to  bother  me  about  town  af 
fairs,  but  I  couldn't  stand  it  and  declined  a 
renomination." 

"Well,"  we  answered,  "we'll  stop  right 
off.  We  didn't  know  just  how  things  were 
up  on  Pine  Street,  as  we  have  been  here  only 
a  few  days." 

''Have  you  read  the  constitution?"  he 
asked,  throwing  a  bath  robe  over  his  shoul 
ders,  taking  a  seat  and  viewing  us  judicially. 

"What  constitution,"  we  queried,  "state 
or  national?" 

"Neither,"  he  replied,  "the  constitution 
and  laws  of  Pine  Street." 

"Why,  no,"  we  said,  "we  never  heard  of 
it." 

"Well,"  He  retorted,  "it  is  a  pretty  good 
idea  to  know  something  of  the  country  in 


164  A    Few   Neighbors 

which  you  intend  to  live.  So  read  this,"  he 
continued,  throwing  us  a  pamphlet  "Good 
night,"  he  continued,  as  we  ran  to  pick  it  up, 
and  yawning  heavily  he  passed  to  bed. 

The  document  was  so  remarkable  that  we 
venture  to  give  portions  of  it  here. 

"We,  the  inhabitants  of  Pine  Street,  an 
outlying  district  adjacent  and  appurtenant 
to  the  town  of  Exeter,  in  order  to  form  a 
more  perfect  union,  insure  domestic  tranquil- 
ity  as  far  as  doth  lie  within  us,  and  provide 
for  the  common  defense,  do  hereby  ordain 
and  establish  this  constitution  for  the  resi 
dents  of  the  said  Pine  Street. 

"Article  I.  Daybreak  shall  be  at  10:30 
A.  M. 

"Article  2.     Sunrise  shall  be  at  1 1  A.  M. 

"Article  3.  Breakfast  shall  be  partaken 
at  1 1 130  A.  M.  and  at  no  other  time. 

"Article  4.     Lunch  shall  be  at  1 130. 

"Articles.     Dinner  shall  be  at  6 130. 


'A   Few  Neighbors  165 

"Article  6.  Any  resident  doing  any  work 
on  the  Sabbath  shall  be  looked  upon  with 
disapproving  criticism  by  all  and  singular 
the  residents  thereon. 

"Article  7.  Any  resident  doing  more 
work  than  is  absolutely  necessary,  or  begin 
ning  the  same  before  n  A.  M.,  shall  be 
viewed  with  astonishment,  and  an  inquisi 
tion  de  lunatico  shall  be  forthwith  held. 

"Article  8.  No  person  shall  be  deemed  a 
resident  in  good  standing,  who  shall  not 
make  and  sign  the  following  declaration  and 
agreement : 

"I, ,  a  resident  of  Pine  Street 

of  the  town  of  Exeter,  do  hereby  agree  to 
and  with  the  said  town  of  Exeter,  that  I  will 
without  objection,  protest,  or  outward  sign 
of  repining  pay  any  and  all  taxes  that  may 
be  levied  on  any  and  all  real  estate. 

"That  said  taxes  shall  be  charged  upon  an 
assessment  of  three  times  the  value  of  said 
real  estate. 


1 66  A   Few  Neighbors 

"That  inasmuch  as  Pine  Street  is  remote 
from  said  town  of  Exeter,  the  residents 
thereon  shall  be  regarded  as  non-residents  of 
said  town  and  a  sum  not  exceeding  the  ac 
tual  value  of  said  real  estate  shall  be  added 
to  the  assessed  value,  upon  which  aggregate 
sum  as  a  basis  the  said  taxes  shall  be  fig 
ured. 

"That  as  a  resident  of  said  Pine  Street  I 
hereby  assent  to  such  doomage  as  the  select 
men  of  said  town  shall  make,  but  in  no  case, 
however,  shall  the  doomage  be  rated  on  a 
less  sum  than  three  times  the  value  of  my 
personal  property. 

"Article  9.  At  stated  intervals  a  congress 
of  the  said  residents  shall  be  held  for  the 
purpose  of  asking  information  upon  and  dis 
cussing  the  following  questions : 

"Interrogatory  i.  Who  is  the  Highway 
Surveyor  of  the  Town  of  Exeter,  and  why  ? 

"Interrogatory  2.  Of  what  use  is  a  High 
way  Surveyor  any  way,  and  why? 

"Interrogatory  3.  Is  civilization  a  failure 
or  is  the  Caucasian  played  out  ? 


A    Few   Neighbors  167 

Article  10.  Any  resident  can  terminate 
his  residence  by  allowing  his  real  estate  to 
be  sold  at  a  tax  sale,  or  by  so  violating  any 
of  the  above  rules  and  time  schedules  as  to 
render  himself  obnoxious  to  his  neighbors, 
or  by  sustaining  fatal  injuries  on  the  high 
way. 

« Signed." 

After  reading  this  remarkable  document 
we  left  our  lawn  mower  and  our  half-mowed 
lawn  and  retired  to  the  house  to  sleep  until 
sunrise. 

We  were  aroused  from  a  comfortable  nap 
by  the  arrival  of  the  mail  carrier,  who,  to  our 
confusion,  brought  us  a  letter  from  the  pr<3- 
fessor,  who  expressed  some  bewilderment 
over  our  epistle  of  profuse  thanks,  and  de 
nied  having  sent  us  any  bouquet.  This  mys 
tified  us  a  good  deal  until  an  excited  mes 
senger  arrived,  the  same  one  who  had 
brought  us  the  flowers,  the  book  of  poems 


1  68  <A   Few  Neighbors 

and  the  picture  hat  He  appeared  to  be  la 
boring  under  great  excitement  and  not  a  lit 
tle  indignant. 

"Say,"  he  burst  out,  "what  was  ye  givin's 
us  when  ye  said  this  joint    was    Professor 


We  denied  in  toto  that  we  had  ever 
claimed  to  be  the  professor  or  to  be  living 
on  his  premises,  but  admitted  that  we  great 
ly  envied  the  professor's  ability  and  wished 
we  were  the  professor. 

"Yes,  you  did  too,"  insisted  the  boy,  "I 
told  yer  the  bokay  was  for  the  professor  and 
yer  took  it,  an'  I  thought  you  was  him  and 
then  I  brought  yer  the  dinky  little  book  and 
the  lid  with  ribbons  on  it  and  ye  didn't  say 
nothin'  but  just  gaffed  onto  them  all,  and 
now  the  boss  is  going  to  fire  me  for  losing 
the  stuff,  and  its  up  to  you  to  square  me  at 
the  office." 

A  great  light  burst  upon  us,  but  we  could 


*A    Few   Neighbors  169 

only  stare  at  the  boy  and  gasp,  open- 
'  mouthed.  The  presents  were  undoubtedly 
for  the  professor  and  his  wife,  not  from 
them  as  we  in  our  idiotic  self  esteem  had 
thought.  Well,  we  did  the  best  we  could 
under  the  circumstances.  We  collected 
what  remained  of  the  flowers,  removed  our 
book-mark  from  the  book  of  poems,  luckily 
intercepted  our  wife  just  as  she  was  sallying 
out  in  the  new  hat  with  the  praiseworthy  in 
tention  of  dazzling  the  neighbors,  explained 
matters  and  (somewhat  lamely  it  is  true) 
rescued  the  hat,  wrote  an  amende  honorable 
to  the  professor,  gave  the  boy  a  quarter  and 
retired  to  think  the  matter  over. 

Our  reflections  were  not  roseate.  We  felt 
obliged  to  contract  for  a  new  hat  for  our 
wife  at  great  expense,  our  self  esteem  was 
damaged  almost  beyond  repair,  but  one 
thing  we  were  thankful  for — that  our  wife 


170  'A    Few  Neighbors 

had  not  appeared  on  the  street  with  that  Hat. 
What  dreadful  complications  might  have 
arisen ! 


CHAPTER  XV. 
WE  HAVE  A  ""SMALL  AND  EARLY." 

'"ir^  HERE  is  certainly  no  time  of  year  in 
•*•  which  the  good  red  blood  runs  so 
swiftly  in  our  veins  as  in  the  spring  and 
early  summer,  that  is,  reckoning  spring  as 
beginning  about  the  first  of  May.  Of  course 
our  blood  may  get  a  fillip  or  two  in  April  or 
possibly  in  the  latter  part  of  March,  when  an 
occasional  day  in  which  the  thermometer 
does  not  go  below  the  freezing  point,  is 
sandwiched  in  between  days  when  the 
ground  freezes  as  hard  as  nails  and  the  wind 
whisks  everything  in  sight  wrong  side  up 
and  inside  out 

Such  days   entrap  us   unto  leaving   our 
overcoat  at  home  and  contracting  seeds   of 
171 


172  A    Few   Neighbors 

pulmonary  trouble  that  require  the  entire 
heated  season  to  eradicate,  aided  by  unlim 
ited  indulgence  in  aqua  fortis,  tar  balsam, 
cherry  pectoral,  mustard  poultices,  and  por 
ous  plasters  that  induce  untold  agonies  on 
removal  and  require  the  united  strength  of 
the  entire  family  with  scissors,  nippers  and 
solvents  to  remove,  and  which  leave  on  our 
manly  bosom  and  statuesque  torso  an  ad 
hesive,  tarlike,  gummy  substance,  which 
time  alone  and  our  new  summer  flannels 
wear  away. 

Such  days  induce  us  to  allow  the  furnace 
fire  to  go  out,  and  to  return  at  night  from 
a  warm  and  comfortable  office  to  find  our 
wife  and  children  in  overcoats,  ear  muffs, 
and  mittens,  the  canary  bird  frozen  to  his 
perch,  the  aquarium  skimmed  over  with 
about  three  inches  of  ice,  all  the  water  pipes 
burst,  and  the  only  means  of  heating  the 


A    Few   Neighbors  173 

rooms  the  warm  comments  of  our  wife, 
which  admirably,  but  only  temporarily,  an 
swer  the  purpose. 

When  spring  really  comes  and  we  are  as 
sured  that  nothing  but  severe  frosts  will 
supervene  between  the  first  of  May  and  the 
first  of  August,  we  .generally  look  around  for 
a  small  garden  spot  in  which  to  deposit  for 
germination  the  government  seeds  with 
which  the  Congressman  from  our  district, 
desiring  to  secure  a  continuance  of  our  fa 
vor  in  future  elections,  has  lavishly  endowed 
us. 

We  always  'feel  at  this  time  a  wave  of  en 
thusiasm  stealing  over  us,  which  induces  us 
to  do  boyish  things,  incompatible  with  our 
age  and  the  dignity  that  is  ordinarily  asso 
ciated  with  years.  One  morning,  issuing 
from  our  side  door,  we  were  so  intoxicated 
with  the  bright  sunshine  and  the  balmy 


174  A    Few  Neighbors 

spring  air  that  we  carelessly  shied  a  stone 
into  space  like  the  poetic  gentleman  who 

"Shot  an  arrow  in  the  air, 

It  fell  to  earth,  I  know  not  where." 

That  stone  differed  from  the  arrow  in 
this,  .that  we  found  out  almost  immediately 
just  where  it  fell.  It  described  a  curve,  shot 
over  the  fence  and  impacted  against  the 
plump  side  of  a  milkman's  horse  standing  in 
the  street,  with  the  result  that  the  ordinarily 
quiet  animal  started  off  at  a  prodigious  rate, 
followed  by  the  milkman,  who,  hearing  the 
rattling  of  cans,  burst  from  the  side  door  of 
a  neighbor's  house  with  a  promptness  sur 
prising,  and  a  readiness  of  language  quite 
indescribable. 

The  horse  soon  stopped,  being  quite  too 
fat  to  run  far,  and  its  innocent  jaws  were 
rudely  jerked  by  its  irate  owner.  As  no 
damage  was  done,  we  did  not  take  the  troub 
le  to  inform  him  as  to  the  cause  of  the 


A    Few   Neighbors  175 

erratic  conduct  of  his  horse.  It  is  just  as  well 
not  to  foster  carelessness  in  milkmen  or 
other  people  who  leave  spirited  animals  loose 
in  the  public  street.  Then  this  particular 
milkman  was  of  burly  proportions  as  well 
as  lingual  attainments,  while  we  are  light, 
graceful  and  reed-like  in  our  figure,  or  as 
Simeon  Ford  has  said,  "Nature  has  not  been 
very  lavish  to  us  in  the  matter  of  fleshly 
charms." 

This  experience  amused  us  so  much  that 
we  doubled  up  with  laughter  every  time  we 
thought  of  the  terrific  strides  and  sinful  lan 
guage  of  the  enraged  milkman  as  he  sped 
rapidly  after  his  elusive  wagon  and  rattling 
milk  cans.  We  were  just  going  off  in  a  fresh 
fit,  when  we  happened  to  think  of  our  fool 
proceedings  in  regard  to  the  flowers,  the 
book  and  the  hat,  and  we  were  sobered  in  an 
instant.  For  some  unaccountable  reason  we 
cannot  avoid  experiencing  bitter  chagrin 


176  A    Few   Neighbors 

whenever  we  make  a  fool  of  ourself,  so  that 
during  a  great  part  of  our  waking  hours  we 
are  blushing  hotly  at  our  mistakes.  This 
shows  that  we  are  not  wholly  depraved,  that 
our  conscience  is  not  yet  dead  nor  our  amour 
propre  utterly  at  rest. 

After  thinking  the  matter  over,  we  con 
sulted  our  wife  and  finally  decided  that  it 
would  be  a  good  idea  to  maintain,  as  far  as 
possible,  a  sort  of  open  house  to  our  friends, 
in  which  the  dyspeptic  sandwich  and  the  re 
freshing  lemonade  might  be  available  at  all 
proper  hours,  while  the  sound  of  instrumen 
tal  music  and  the  soft  harmony  of  blended 
voices  should  entice,  entertain  and  win  over. 

During  our  residence  in  the  "Greek  Quar 
ter"  we  attempted  to  inaugurate  a  series  of 
musical  Thursday  evenings,  but  the  attend 
ance  rapidly  fell  off  when  the  quality  of  the 
refreshments  began  to  deteriorate.  As  a  re 
sult  of  our  assiduous  practice  for  the  musi- 


'A    Few   Neighbors  177 

cal  part  of  the  entertainment,  our  nearest 
neighbor  sold  out  a  flourishing  business,  dis 
posed  of  his  local  real  estate  and  removed, 
horror  stricken,  to  Boston.  An  eminent  di 
vine,  who  resided  within  uncomfortable  ear 
shot  of  our  premises,  promptly  resigned  a 
pastorate  of  twenty-five  years  and  removed 
to  Hartford,  Conn.,  as  he  evidently  thought 
Boston  not  sufficiently  remote  to  guarantee 
oblivion. 

But  we  had  improved  since  that  time.  We 
had  taken  the  hint,  so1  kindly  but  firmly 
given,  when  our  generous  offer  to  perform 
a  solo  upon  the  tuba  at  the  musicale  was 
courteously  refused,  and  had  gone  back  to 
our  first  love,  the  B  flat  clarinet,  and  had  also 
reduced  the  C  string  of  the  viola  to  partial 
subjection.  Our  idea  was  a  sort  of  salon  in 
which  the  literati,  the  witterati  and  the  mu- 
sicati  (we  do  not  guarantee  the  correctness 


178  A    Few   Neighbors 

of  these  titles)  should  gather  to  charm,  edu 
cate  and  delight  all. 

We  determined  to  have  a  preliminary 
party,  limited  to  a  few  relatives  and  friends; 
who  were  to  come  to  supper  and  remain 
through  the  evening  to  listen  to  our  music. 
We  reasoned  in  this  wise :  "If  the  supper  is 
good,  they  may  be  able  to  endure  the  music, 
while  if  the  supper  is  bad,  the  music  may  be 
a  relief  in  distracting  thought." 

Our  wife  decided  to  have  the  party  on 
Thursday  evening.  A  written  list  of  guests 
was  given  us,  with  explicit  instructions  as  to 
day  and  hour,  and  a  list  of  articles  needed 
for  the  table — linen  and  new  glasses,  as  well 
as  lobsters,  cream,  early  strawberries  and 
other  dainties.  Both  schedules  we  solemnly 
promised  to  fill,  and  to  avoid  errors  we  at 
once  drove  about  town  and  made  the  neces 
sary  announcements.  As  it  was  Tuesday, 
we  deferred  ordering  the  refreshments  until 


A    Few   Neighbors  179 

the  next  day,  in  order  to  have  as  nearly  fresh 
supplies  as  possible. 

On  Wednesday  we  were  called  out  of 
town  on  business  and  on  our  return  on  the 
5:17  train  found  the  music  room  full  of  peo 
ple  and  a  wild-eyed,  hysterical  wife  awaiting 
us  in  the  kitchen.  As  near  as  we  could  get 
the  story  from  her  whispered  and  dramatic 
recital,  she  had  been  working  all  day  clean 
ing  house,  and  had  just  changed  her  dress 

when  the  bell  rang  and  Mrs. and  Miss 

arrived,  irreproachably  dressed.  They 

were  admitted,  immediately  removed  their 
hats  and  wraps  and  congratulated  her  on 
having  such  a  good  night  for  a  party. 

While  she  was  mechanically  trying  to  col 
lect  her  thoughts  and  make  her  guests  wel 
come,  more  guests  arrived,  who  in  turn  re 
moved  their  hats  and  wraps  and  in  turn  con 
gratulated  her  on  having  so  delightful  an 
evening  for  her  musicale.  These  were  fol- 


180  A    Few   Neighbors 

lowed  by  others  who  extended  their  felicita 
tions  over  so  beautiful  an  evening  for  her 
little  dinner. 

"And  what  do  you  think,"  she  hoarsely 
whispered,  "there  isn't  a  thing  in  the  house 
to  eat,  not  even  a  loaf  of  bread,  and  you! 
you ! !  you ! ! !  have  gone  and  invited  a  dozen 
people  here  the  wrong  night !  Oh,"  but  her 
voice  failed  even  to  whisper,  and  she  wrung 
her  hands,  creakingly. 

We  have  had  the  ground  cut  from  under 
our  feet  so  often  in  the  trial  of  cases  in  court, 
that  we  are  able  to  face  unexpected  problems 
with  some  composure  and  considerable  re 
sourceful  fertility  in  getting  out  of  scrapes. 
Here  was  one  that  for  a  moment  nonplussed 
us,  but  only  for  a  moment.  An  idea  occurred 
to  us.  "Have  you  any  canned  stuff  in  the 
house?"  we  whispered. 

"Canned  stuff  at  an  evening  party!"  she 
wailed. 


A    Few   Neighbors  181 

"It's  our  only  resource,"  we  retorted, 
"hustle  out  everything.  Mary  can  make 
some  salad  dressing.  You  open  a  can  of 
chicken  and  cut  it  up.  Dick,  skip  for  the 
baker  and  get  some  rolls.  Come  in  the  back 
way  so  our  guests  won't  see  you.  Order 
some  lettuce  and  fancy  crackers,  speak  for 
some  frozen  pudding  and  tell  them  to  make 
it  strong.  Have  brandied  cherries  for 
sauce.  'Nunc  vino  pellete  curas'  I  will  en 
tertain  the  guests,"  and  we  rushed  up  stairs 
to  change  our  collar  and  cuffs,  leaving  the 
kitchen,  so  lately  a  scene  of  desolation,  a 
busy  hive  of  cheerful  industry. 

Having  removed  the  dust  of  travel  from 
our  garments  and  traces  of  care  from  our 
countenance,  we  descended  to  our  guests, 
and,  stimulated  by  the  dreadful  condition  of 
affairs,  we  ranged  at  will  through  law,  poli 
tics,  religion,  fashions,  music,  the  drama, 
horticulture,  market  gardening,  the  relative 


1 82  A    Few   Neighbors 

value  of  malted  milk  and  Mellen's  food,  Mrs. 
Winslow's  Soothing  Syrup,  Sanford's  Ja 
maica  Ginger  and  plain  gin  for  infantile 
colic,  and  other  matters  of  kindred  impor 
tance.  In  short,  we  displayed  brilliant  quali 
ties  hitherto  unknown,  and  kept  our  guests 
in  the  air  for  an  hour.  When  at  length  din 
ner  was  announced  and  the  guests  were  seat 
ed,  we  confessed  our  predicament.  A  roar 
went  round  the  table  that  made  the  glasses 
dance,  and  to  our  unqualified  surprise  the 
dinner  was  a  success,  the  guests  vying  with 
one  another  in  complimenting  our  wife  on 
her  fertility  of  resource. 

Indeed,  so  pleased  were  they  that  they  en 
dured  what  followed — the  music — without  a 
murmur,  and  advised  us  to  write  up  the 
party.  So  we,  have. 


CHAPTER  XVI. 

A  TRADE  IN  COWS. 

T  T  OWEVER  spacious  one's  grounds, 
•*•  -*•  however  staunch  and  well  equipped 
one's  home,  it  is  to  one's  neighbors  that  one 
looks  for  a  great  deal  that  makes  life  in  a 
country  town  pleasant.  We  cannot  under 
stand  how  one  can  get  along  without  good 
neighbors.  If  we  are  short  of  money,  how 
pleasant  it  is  to  run  across  the  yard  or  vault 
over  the  back  fence  to  a  neighbor,  who  is  bet 
ter  off  in  worldly  goods  than  we  are,  and 
negotiate  a  slight  loan.  If  we  need  an  egg 
for  breakfast,  and  our  neighbor's  hens  have 
not  laid  the  day  before  in  our  barn  where  we 
have  fixed  an  attractive  nest  for  them,  how 
easy  to  skip  over  to  his  place  and  solicit  half 
a  dozen;  or  if  we  have  'hens  and  our  neigh- 
183 


184  A    Few    Neighbors 

bor  has  not,  to  allow  our  hens  to  pasture  on 
his  lawn. 

By  persistency  and  a  pleasant  smile  we 
can  easily  furnish  ourself  at  our  neighbor's 
expense,  with  tea,  coffee,  sugar,  lemons,  um 
brellas,  hellebore,  hammers,  fruit,  wheelbar 
rows,  lettuce,  sheet  music,  overshoes,  can 
openers,  chairs  for  funerals,  baking  powder, 
screws  for  the  screen  door,  spices  and  count 
less  other  things,  the  purchase  of  which 
would  entail  loss  of  time  and  money. 

We  never  met  but  one  unaccommodating 
neighbor,  and  he  has  now  gone  to  his  re 
ward.  Once  we  built  a  new  fence  between 
our  lot  and  his,  and  in  a  very  unusual  burst 
of  generosity  paid  for  the  whole  of  it  ourself. 
We  were  pained,  indignant  and  profane, 
when  we  returned  from  an  absence  of  three 
days  to  find  that  our  thrifty  neighbor  had 
moved  our  fence  nearly  three  feet  over  on 
our  side.  Under  the  persuasions  of  our 


A    Few   Neighbors  185 

wife,  who  dreaded  a  row,  we  said  nothing, 
and  after  our  neighbor's  not  untimely  death, 
as  we  viewed  it,  we  bought  the  disputed  strip 
of  land  from  his  administrator  for  a  large 
sum. 

We  like  our  neighbors  and  we  try  to  con 
duct  ourselves  in  so  propitiatory  a  manner  as 
to  win  their  approval  and  unqualified  friend 
ship.  In  one  particular  we  have  been  assist 
ed.  Shortly  after  our  arrival,  the  neighbor 
hood  received  a  notable  addition  in  the  shape 
of  our  venerable  father  and  the  rest  of  his 
family,  who  bought,  mortgaged  and  other 
wise  fitted  up  the  residence  opposite  ours. 

This  we  attributed  to  the  fact  that  they 
couldn't  bear  the  separation  from  us,  but  that 
reason  was  scouted  by  our  venerable  father, 
hereinafter  known  as  the  "Old  Gentleman," 
who  said  that  his  only  reason  for  changing 
his  residence  in  his  old  age  was  to  enable 
him  to  advise  us,  look  after  us  and  loan  us 


1 86  A    Few   Neighbors 

money  when  we  "went  broke."  He  further 
stated  that  he  had  done  this  all  his  life  and 
felt  as  if  he  must  keep  it  up,  like  any  other 
pernicious  habit.  We  surmise,  however,  that 
the  prospect  of  an  occasional  cow  or  horse 
trade  with  a  certain  neighbor,  hereinafter 
known  as  Dan,  for  the  reason  that  Dan  is  an 
abbreviated  form  of  his  Christian  name,  had 
much  to  do  with  his  removal. 

Now  Dan  and  the  old  gentleman  were 
veteran  traders  in  horses,  carriages,  and 
especially  in  cows.  Dan,  as  a  gentleman  of 
wealth,  was  considerable  of  an  expert  in  the 
more  valuable  horses  and  cows,  and  he  gen 
erally  landed  the  old  gentleman  in  a  cow  or 
horse  trade,  but  the  old  gentleman  was  right 
at  home  in  the  line  of  second-hand  harnesses 
and  ancient  wagons,  so  that  if  he  could  get 
Daniel  into  a  trade  in  these  articles  he  rather 
more  than  evened  up  any  advantage  that 


A    Few    Neighbors  187 

Dan  might  have  gained  in  live-stock  transac 
tions. 

The  amount  of  chaffering  and  trading 
they  would  do  during  six  months  with  a  cow, 
a  horse,  a  tub  or  two  of  butter,  a  couple  of 
old  harnesses  and  a  well-worn  "Brownel!" 
was  wonderful.  It  reminded  one  of  the  ex 
ample  of  A  paying  $1.88  to  B,  who  owed 
precisely  that  sum  to  C,  who  in  turn  paid  it 
to  D,  who  liquidated  and  paid  a  claim  to  E, 
who  settled  a  long  standing  account  with  F, 
who  paid  A  the  identical  sum  back  in  re 
sponse  to  a  perfectly  just  demand  from  that 
gentleman,  proving  that  vast  financial  and 
monetary  transactions  can  be  effected  with 
rapid  circulation  of  small  capital. 

One  trade  of  our  neighbors  deserves  more 
than  a  passing  notice.  Dan  had  for  once 
met  the  old  gentleman  on  his  own  ground 
and  been  badly  worsted.  The  old  gentleman, 
in  return  for  a  very  fair  Concord  wagon,  a 


1 88  A    Few   Neighbors 

harness  and  a  couple  of  tubs  of  butter,  had 
palmed  off  on  Daniel  a  Hereford  cow  that 
couldn't  be  milked  with  anything  short  of  a' 
stone-crusher,  and  Daniel  was  watching  very 
sharply  for  an  opportunity  to  even  up  scores. 
He  was  more  than  anxious  to  trip  the  old 
gentleman  up  for  this  additional  reason: — 

A  year  before  Dan  had  sold  to  a  near 
neighbor  of  the  old  gentleman  a  couple  of 
valuable  cows.  One  of  these  caught  cold, 
developed  garget,  with  fever  and  partial 
paralysis,  and  became  worse  than  worthless. 
The  neighbor,  realizing  that  the  cow  was 
perfectly  sound  when  he  bought  her,  pock- 
eted  his  loss  with  smiling  philosophy,  and 
tried  in  vain  to  cure  the  animal,  which  had 
added  to  its  infirmities  by  the  loss  of  an  eye. 

At  this  juncture  the  old  gentleman  came 
on  the  scene,  and  made  things  lively  for  Dan 
and  the  neighbor.  Every  time  he  found 
them  together  he  would  comment  so  insinu- 


A   Few  Neighbors  189 

atingly  on  what  he  termed  Daniel's  perfidy 
to  an  innocent  friend,  that  the  friend  came 
to  consider  himself  an  aggrieved  and  much- 
swindled  man,  greatly  to  Daniel's  confusion 
and  considerably  to  his  pecuniary  depletion, 
for  Daniel  was  a  liberal  and  kind-hearted 
man. 

Finally,  Dan  bought  back  the  cow  secretly, 
upon  the  friend's  agreement  to  say  nothing 
to  the  old  gentleman,  who,  believing  the  cow 
had  died,  took  further  opportunity  to  com 
ment  publicly  on  Daniel's  reprehensible  be 
havior  to  his,  the  old  gentleman's  nearest 
neighbor. 

The  next  spring  the  old  gentleman,  sit 
ting  comfortably  upon  His  piazza,  hailed 
Dan  driving  by. 

"Hello,  Dan,  where  are  you  off  to?" 

"Hello,  George,  going  up  to  see  some  cows 
I've  bought.  Like  to  go?" 


igo  A    Few   Neighbors 

"Yes,  I  would,  Dan,  I  want  a  good  cow 
myself." 

"All  right,  George,  climb  in,  I'll  show  you 
all  I  have  got,  but  I  don't  believe  I  have  any 
to  suit  you.  How  good  a  cow  do  you  want, 
George?1' 

"Well,  Dan,  I  am  not  very  hard  to  suit. 
I  want  a  cow  that  will  give  12  to  14  quarts, 
an  easy  milker." 

Off  they  drove  to  a  barn  on  the  Kingston 
road  which  Dan  had  hired  and  filled  with 
cattle,  the  proceeds  of  successful  trades.  Ar 
rived  at  the  barn,  they  entered,  and  Daniel 
began  to  eulogize  the  animals  in  turn. 

"Here's  one,  George,  grade  Jersey,  three- 
year-old,  calves  June  ist,  bred  to  Ayrshire. 
That  ought  to  make  you  a  good  one.  Here's 
a  half  Durham,  calved  last  February,  gives 
sixteen  quarts.  Here's  a  Devon,  calves  in 
May.  Make  you  a  nice  little  milker." 

Thus  Dan  went  down  the  line,  carefully 


A    Few   Neighbors  191 

avoiding  any  mention  of  or  comment  upon 
a  certain  cow  near  the  end  of  the  line,  one 
in  good  flesh,  which  stood  rather  stiffly,  but 
very  quietly  in  her  place.  The  old  gentle 
man,  always  on  guard,  especially  when 
trading  with  his  friend  Daniel,  noticed  the 
omission  and  promptly  inquired  about  that 
cow. 

"Well,  I  don't  believe  you  would  want  that 
cow,  George,  and  even  if  you  did  I  don't  be 
lieve  I  want  to  sell  her.  Now  here  is  a  half 
Ayrshire,  she  will  please  you,  make  you  a 
good  cow. 

"Never  mind  about  the  Ayrshire,  Daniel. 
I  am  not  here  to  purchase  any  old  line-back 
cow  that  you  may  see  fit  to  saddle  on  me.  I 
have  seen  cows  before,  although  I  was  never 
guilty  of  such  perfidy  as  you  were  when  you 
sold  that  cow  to  your  friend.  Ah,  Daniel,  I 
see  you  recall  that  transaction  perfectly." 

"Well,  I  guess  I  shall  never  have  a  chance 


192  A    Few   Neighbors 

to  forget  it  as  long  as  you  live,  Mr.  Shute," 
Dan  replied  with  a  twinkle  in  his  eye,  "but 
you  don't  want  that  cow." 

"That  cow,  Daniel,  is  the  very  animal  I  do 
want,"  replied  the  old  gentleman,  adding 
with  fine  sarcasm,  "perhaps  you  would  like 
to  palm  off  an  old  gargetty  cow  on  me  as 
you  did  on  your  friend.  But  come  right 
down  to  business  now,  Daniel,  without  any 
more  fooling  and  state  your  price  on  that 
cow."  The  old  gentleman  patted  her  on  the 
flank  and  started  to  walk  in  between  her  and 
her  neighbor. 

"Hold  on,  George,"  said  Dan  quickly, 
"don't  get  near  that  next  cow,  she  is  a  'leetle 
onreliable,'  "  and  the  old  gentleman  backed 
away  quickly  from  the  dangerous  neighbor 
hood. 

"Well,  Daniel,  how  will  you  trade  for 
that  cow?"  insisted  the  old  gentleman,  re 
turning  to  the  firing  line,  "Unless,"  he  added 


A  Few   Neighbors  193 

"you  are  intending  to  crawfish  out  of  a  trade. 
What  is  it?  Are  you  getting  a  little  afraid 
of  me?" 

"Well,  no,  not  exactly  afraid,  but  a  little 
cautious  since  you  cheated  me  so  fearfully 
when  you  traded  me  that  choke-barrelled  old 
Hereford  for  the  Concord  wagon  and  the 
other  things.  By  the  way,  George,  have  you 
got  that  Concord  now?  If  you  have,  we 
might  trade,"  he  added  tentatively. 

"Just  had  it  new  painted,"  replied  the  old 
gentleman  briskly,  "and  if  you  really  mean 
business,  I  will  give  you  the  Concord  for  the 
cow." 

"That's  liberal  of  you,  to  offer  a  second 
hand  Concord  for  that  cow,"  scoffed  Dan. 
"If  you  want  to  trade,  speak  up  and  make 
me  a  reasonable  offer,  like  a  man." 

"But  the  Concord  is  as  good  as  new,"  in 
sisted  the  old  gentleman. 

"That  cow  stands  to  me  for  more  than 


194  -d-    Few   Neighbors 

that,"  said  Daniel,  "and  she  don't  go  for  any 
Concord  wagon  that  you  own,  Georgie,  my 
friend." 

"What  do  you  say  to  my  throwing  in  that 
harness  you  let  me  have?"  queried  the  old 
gentleman,  smoothly. 

"Well,  my  Christian  friend,  that  comes  a 
little  nearer  right  than  before,"  said  Daniel 
cheerfully,  "but  it  isn't  enough  by  quite  a 
figure.  If  you  will  throw  in  about  two  tubs 
of  butter,  why  the  cow  is  yours,  Mr.  Shute, 
and  you  have  made  the  most  remarkable 
trade  ever  made  in  these  parts,"  said  Dan, 
assuming  a  judicial  appearance  and  lighting 
a  fresh  cigar. 

"I  haven't  a  single  tub  to  give,  but  I  will 
tell  you  the  last  thing  I  will  do,  Daniel,  I 
will  give  you  two  dollars  and  fifty  cents," 
said  the  old  gentleman. 

"Make  it  five  and  it's  a  trade,"  said  Dan. 

"Three,"  said  the  old  gentleman. 


A    Few   Neighbors  195 

"Five,"  insisted  Dan. 

"Three,"  said  the  old  gentleman. 

"Five!" 

"Three  fifty!" 

"Five!" 

"Four!" 

"Five!" 

"Four  fifty!" 

"Five!" 

"Well,  you  are  the  meanest  cuss,  Daniel, 
for  a  neighbor,  I  ever  saw,"  reproachfully 
remarked  the  old  gentleman. 

"Five!"  said  Daniel. 

"Well,"  said  the  old  gentleman,  "five  it 
is,  but  I  didn't  expect  such  treatment  from  a 
friend  and  my  nearest  neighbor,  one  whom 
I  carried  off  the  field  of  battle  when  he  was 
wounded.  Now  no  crawfishing,  Daniel, 
here  is  the  five,"  handing  him  two  twos  and 
a  one,  with  great  satisfaction. 

"And  now,  Daniel,  man  to  man,  as  long 


196  A   'Few   Neighbors 

as  the  trade  is  made,  with  no  chance  to 
crawfish  out  of  it,  what  sort  of  a  cow  is  she  ?" 
demanded  the  old  gentleman,  with  the  exult 
ant  air  of  one  who  has  made  a  good  trade. 

"Well,  Mr.  Shute,"  said  Dan,  slowly  and 
with  evident  enjoyment,  "you  ought  to  know 
about  this  cow,  she  lived  in  your  neighbor 
hood  for  quite  a  spell  and  you  talked  enough 
about  her  then." 

"Suffering  Moses !"  yelled  the  old  gentle 
man,  "Do  you  mean  to  say  you  have  gone 
and  traded  me  that  one-eyed  old  gargetty, 
paralyzed  cow?" 

"The  very  cow,  Georgie,"  said  Dan  af 
fably,  as  he  complacently  flecked  the  ashes 
from  his  cigar. 

"Well,  I'll  be  blankety  dashed,"  said  the 
old  gentleman. 

"Tag!"  said  Daniel  cheerfully. 

Two  weeks  later  the  invalid  cow  passed 
quietly  and  peacefully  away. 


A    Few   Neighbors  197 

Dan  and  the  old  gentleman  are  still  spar 
ring  for  an  opening,  with  honors  easy. 


CHAPTER  XVII. 

WE  GIVE  A  TEMPERANCE  ADDRESS. 

UNEXPECTED  assistance  was  tendered 
us  in  our  struggle  for  social  stand 
ing.  We  were  invited  to  deliver  an  address 
on  temperance  in  a  neighboring  town.  We 
were  somewhat  surprised  at  the  request,  for 
we  had  never  been  regarded  as  a  particu 
larly  appropriate  advocate  in  that  line  or,  we 
must  admit,  in  any  other. 

A  local  option  law  had  just  been  passed, 
by  the  provisions  of  which  special  meetings 
were  to  be  held  in  each  town  and  city,  where 
the  matter  of  saloons  or  no  saloons  was  to 
be  decided  by  ballot.  Our  own  town  had  for 
some  years  been  a  dry  town,  owing  to  the 
vigilance  of  the  police  and  a  strong  public 
sentiment  behind  them.  As  local  magis- 
198 


A    Few   Neighbors  199 

trate,  we  had  been  instrumental  in  "admin 
istering  cloture"  to  a  good  many  violators  of 
the  old  law,  and  therefore  we  were  certainly 
in  the  line  of  good  citizenship. 

On  account  of  our  several  hundred  acad 
emy  students,  our  citizens  took  a  great  inter 
est  in  keeping  the  moral  standing  of  the 
neighboring  towns  up  to  the  mark.  So  when 
we  received  a  'phone  from  a  reverend  gentle 
man  in  an  adjacent  seaport  asking  us  to  de 
liver  an  address  on  the  provisions  of  the  new 
law,  at  the  town  hall  on  the  coming  Sunday, 
we  did  not  allow  him  to  hang  up  the  receiver 
until  he  was  thoroughly  convinced  that  we 
would  be  on  hand. 

This  was  undoubtedly  the  opportunity  of 
our  life,  an  opportunity  that  in  all  human 
probability  would  come  to  us  but  once  and 
we  embraced  it  fondly.  The  chance  to  make 
a  public  address  had  never  before  arrived. 
True  enough,  we  had  made  occasional  semi- 


2OO  A    Few   Neighbors 

public  addresses  before  juries,  judges  and 
auditors,  but  even  these  were  not  so  frequent 
as  to  cause  remark,  or,  to  speak  more  accu 
rately,  were  so  infrequent  as  to  occasion  re 
mark.  Moreover,  as  our  style  of  oratory 
never  seemed  to  have  upon  the  parties  at 
which  it  was  aimed  just  the  effect  we  calcu 
lated,  we  thought  perhaps  our  peculiar  style 
might  be  better  calculated  to  arouse  the 
sleeping  conscience  of  the  public  in  affairs  of 
vital  and  far-reaching  consequence. 

At  all  events,  we  laid  aside  whatever  work 
we  had  on  hand,  took  down  "Familiar  Quo 
tations,"  "Oratory  as  an  Art,"  "Speeches  of 
American  Statesmen,"  and  "Laws  of  1903," 
and  set  to  work.  The  five  days  preceding 
the  Sunday  in  question  were  devoted  to 
patient  research,  painstaking  committing  to 
memory  of  appropriate  quotations  and  sta 
tistics,  and  laborious  application  of  recondite 
principles. 


A   Few  Neighbors  201 

We  "had  casually  mentioned  the  subject  to 
our  wife,  and  invited  her  to  accompany  us, 
to  witness  the  effect  of  the  sledge-hammer 
blows  we  proposed  to  deliver.  What  was 
more  natural  than  that  our  wife  should  cas 
ually  mention  the  fact  to  a  few  of  her  neigh 
bors  and  friends,  with  a  view  to  enhancing 
our  importance  in  the  community.  What 
was  more  natural  than  that  these  neighbors 
should  feel  a  sudden  interest  in  seeing  just 
how  we  would  treat  a  matter  of  so  much 
importance.  The  consequence  was,  it  was 
proposed  that  a  party  be  made  up  to  accom 
pany  us  to  the  seaside,  to  view  and  applaud 
the  utter  downfall  of  our  "tr-r-r-emendously 
powerful  opponent — ah." 

A  three-seated  vehicle  was  engaged  at  our 
expense  by  this  liberal  lady,  and  when  the 
time  arrived  we  were  painfully  astonished 
and  embarrassed  at  the  jovial  company  that 
not  only  assembled  to  see  us  off,  but  insisted 


2O2  A   Few  Neighbors 

on  coming  with  us.  We  were  but  indifferent 
company  during  the  ride.  Our  guests 
amused  themselves  with  song,  quip  and  joke, 
but  we  were  arranging  our  points,  "mar 
shalling  our  assets,"  so  to  speak. 

We  arrived  at  the  hall  and  were  ushered 
with  ceremony  to  the  platform,  where  we 
were  greeted  with  marked  courtesy  by  six 
ministers  of  the  gospel,  with  whom,  in  some 
way,  we  did  not  feel  exactly  at  our  ease.  We 
think  it  was  their  coats. 

Why  is  it  that  country  clergymen,  and  a 
good  many  city  ones,  think  it  part  of  their 
duty  to  wear  long-tailed  black  broadcloth 
coats  and  white  neckties  upon  every  occa 
sion.  Granted  their  right  to  wear  them  in 
the  pulpit  behind  which  the  flapping  tails  are 
hidden.  Is  it  necessary  to  solemnize  every 
public  observance  with  these  mourning  gar 
ments?  When  we  were  shunted  effusively 
from  one  divine  to  another  who  solemnly 


A   Few   Neighbors  203 

pump-handled  us,  we  felt  the  crying  need  of 
a  long-tailed  black  ourself.  We  also  felt  a 
drop  in  our  barometer  when  we  were  intro 
duced  as  a  distinguished  divine  from  a 
neighboring  town,  and  marked  the  amuse 
ment  that  this  mistake  caused. 

However,  we  strode  forth  and  harangued 
the  vast  audience.  We  had  calculated  with 
great  nicety  the  arrangement  of  our  ma 
terial.  One  cannot  expect  to  win  a  patient 
hearing  from  fair-minded  people  by  abruptlv 
delivering  a  logical  "bat  on  the  head,"  or  by 
roughly  trampling  on  any  pet  theories.  One 
should  conciliate  an  audience,  win  their  fa 
vor,  excite  their  interest.  We  essayed  to  do 
this.  We  told  a  few  stories,  and  then  re 
minded  our  hearers  that  we  were  not  there 
to  argue  for  the  abolition  of  cider  in  mince 
pies,  or  bay  rum  for  close  shaving ;  that  we 
had  been  known  in  lucid  periods  to  partake 
heartily  of  frozen  pudding,  and  that  we  al- 


204  A    Few   Neighbors 

ways  felt  a  sense  of  disappointment  when 
Roman  punch  was  missing  from  any  elab 
orate  banquet  to  which  we  were  invited.  We 
also  told  them,  as  a  profound  secret,  that  it 
had  been  a  custom  in  our  family  from  re 
mote  ages  to  serve  plum  pudding  aflame  with 
blazing  brandy.  By  these  means  we  began 
to  feel  our  audience  in  sympathy  with  us, 
though  at  the  expense  of  the  members  of  the 
W.  C.  T.  U.  and,  as  we  also  felt,  the  clergy 
men  gathered  in  our  rear.  But  we  knew 
that  their  vote  and  influence  were  safe.  It 
was  the  audience  we  were  after. 

We  then  proceeded  to  remind  them  that 
the  time  had  come  when  the  safety  of  our 
homes,  the  welfare  of  our  community  and 
our  own  personal  integrity  was  at  stake, 
when  those  of  us  who  were  men  in  the  truest 
sense  should  stand  out  as  men.  We  then 
told  them  we  were  there  simply  to  discuss  in 
a  quiet,  friendly  and  unemotional  manner 


A    Few    Neighbors  205 

the  comparative  advantages  of  saloon  and 
saloonless  communities — without  heat,  with 
out  passion,  and  without  prejudice.  To  make 
good  our  words,  we  proceeded  to  thunder  a 
few  invectives,  and  people  began  to  go  out 
singly,  in  pairs  and  in  groups.  As  most  of 
those  retiring,  slammed  the  door,  it  made  a 
staccato  accompaniment  to  our  frenzied 
periods. 

Having  adroitly  rid  ourself  of  a  large  part 
of  our  audience,  and  avoided  the  unsanitary 
condition  of  a  crowded  house,  we  then  ex 
pounded  the  law  to  them,  with  such  effect 
that  the  exodus  from  the  hall  became  practi 
cally  continuous,  and  the  few  who  remained 
held  their  heads  in  their  hands  in  utter  be 
wilderment.  When  the  address  was  finished 
the  hall  was  practically  deserted,  but  we  felt 
that  at  least  we  had  made  a  moving  speech. 

The  ride  home  was  accomplished  without 
accident  and  without  remark.  Blank  and 


2o6  A    Few   Neighbors 

oppressive  silence  reigned.  We  have  never 
dared  to  ask  our  wife  whether  or  not  she 
deemed  her  little  party  a  success,  but  judging 
from  her  facial  expression  that  evening  and 
for  several  days  thereafter,  we  have  doubts 
of  her  estimation  of  the  evening  as  one  of 
unalloyed  enjoyment. 


CHAPTER  XVIII 

"CORRECT  FORM/' 

The  path  to  social  eminence,  even  in  a 
country  town,  is  thorny,  hard  and  hedged  in 
with  technical  difficulties  that  try  the  soul 
and  ruin  the  patience  of  all  but  the  most 
persisent  and  calculating  of  diplomats.  The 
most  serious  of  our  many  faults,  among 
those  that  shine  forth  in  the  glare  of  noon 
day,  is  what  our  wife  terms,  "an  utter  want 
of  dignity  befitting  a  man  of  middle  age." 
This  she  attributes  partly  to  the  fact  that  we 
had,  for  many  years  prior  to  her  opportune 
arrival  on  the  scene,  belonged  to  a  brass 
band;  partly  to  our  defective  bringing  up, 
and  partly  to  constitutional  defects,  which, 
while  ineradicable,  she  fondly  hoped  might 
be  dimmed,  or  whitewashed  by  the  mezzo- 
207 


208  A    Few    Neighbors 

tint  effect  of  classical  surroundings  and  other 
refinements  of  advanced  civilization. 

We  have  a  title,  which,  like  our  carefully- 
hung-away  Prince  Albert  coat,  is  a  decided 
misfit.  While  we  are  not  ashamed  of  the 
title  exactly,  we  feel  that  it  has  good  reason 
to  be  ashamed  of  us.  At  all  events,  we  feel 
decidedly  out  of  place  when  anyone  ad 
dresses  us  by  it.  We  know  everyone  in 
town,  and  much  prefer  addressing  individual 
members  of  the  populace  as  "Jimmy," 
"Jack,"  "Billy"  or  "Skeet,"  instead  of  the 
less  familiar  Watson,  Warren,  Burke  or  Kel- 
ley.  We  have  done  this  all  our  life,  and 
obstinately  draw  the  line  at  any  innovation 
that  might  tend  to  make  our  relations  with 
"the  boys"  more  formal  and  distant.  We 
are  willing  to  be  as  formal  and  distant  as 
you  please  to  people  we  do  not  like,  or  who 
do  not  like  us. 

Again,  the  rules  of  "Correct  Form"  lay 


A    Few   Neighbors  209 

obligations  upon  us  that  are  irksome  and 
which  we  would  fain  shirk.  For  instance, 
when  we  are  invited  to  an  entertainment  at 
the  house  of  a  friend,  it  seems  the  proper 
thing  to  announce  our  acceptance  by  meeting 
that  friend  on  the  street,  slapping  him  on  the 
back  and  saying,  "Oh,  Billy,  it  was  no  end 
good  of  you  to  ask  us  to  come  round  Wed 
nesday.  We  will  be  on  hand.  My  wife  is 
cleaning  my  festal  garments  with  gasoline 
this  minute,  and  all  business  stops  at  the  of 
fice  that  day." 

In  comparison  with  this,  the  dead-cold 
and  stereotyped  phrase  prescribed  by  "Cor 
rect  Form,"  seems  tame  and  unenthusiastic 
in  the  extreme. 

Again,  when  guests  were  departing,  we 
could  never  get  over  the  obsolete  custom  of 
accompanying  them  to  the  door,  speeding 
them  with  jocose  remarks,  and  urgent  re 
quests  to  come  again,  helping  them  down 


2io  A    Few   Neighbors 

the  steps,  and  in  times  of  storm  and  tempest, 
escorting  them  to  their  carriages. 

To  bow  them  out  with  dignity  and  let 
them  pick  their  way  down  the  dangerous 
step,  "unattended"  and  "unaccompanied," 
seemed  discourteous  and  unfriendly.  Occa 
sionally,  to  hear  a  thump  and  a  shriek  and 
then  a  succession  of  regular  thumps  as  they 
shot  down  the  icy  inclines,  left  in  our  mind 
the  disagreeable  sensation  of  a  duty  unper 
formed.  Therefore  we  insist  on  accompany 
ing  our  guests  to  the  door  and  assisting  them 
down  the  steps  in  wet  and  icy  weather.  Oc 
casionally,  we  fall  down  the  steps  with  them, 
but  to  our  mind,  falling  down  the  front 
steps  with  a  departing  guest  is  very  different 
from  leaving  them  to  fall  unprotected,  alone 
and  unattended. 

There  are  countless  other  ways  in  which 
our  preconceived  notions  of  things  receive  a 
series  of  severe  shocks.  Do  we  praise  a 


A    Few   Neighbors  211 

hostess'  cooking,  we  are  treated  to  an  exhi 
bition  of  stoniness  of  visage  that  spreads 
around  the  table  like  a  blighting  frost.  We 
notice,  however,  that  the  hostess  always  ap 
pears  delighted  at  these  little  gaucheries  of 
ours,  and  that  the  lines  of  worry  on  her  face 
smooth  out  immediately. 

But  we  must  admit  we  are  a  failure  in  the 
social  line.  Our  wife  will  testify  to  that. 
Our  sisters  will  pile  up  cumulative  evidence 
,  of  that  fact.  Only  a  few  evenings  ago  when 
we  were  walking  down  town  we  overheard  a 
little  conversation  that  was  evidently  not  in 
tended  for  our  particular  ears,  but  as  it  must 
have  been  perfectly  audible  to  everyone 
within  fifty  yards,  and  as  we  were  exercising 
our  rights  as  a  sober  and  law-abiding  citizen 
in  walking  on  a  public  highway,  we  felt  a 
proprietary  interest  in  that  conversation. 
The  gentleman  in  the  light  box-coat,  glasses 
and  tan  gloves,  was  evidently  giving  a  few 


212  A    Few   Neighbors 

friendly  pointers  to  a  new-comer,  with  the 
affable  intention  of  guarding  him  against  un 
desirable  acquaintances,  and  the  new-comer 
was  listening  intently,  anxious  to  avoid  the 
pitfalls  of  society  in  a  country  town. 

"Oh,  yes,  Exeter  as  a  town  has  a  certain 
tone  of  cultivation,  a  sort  of-er-er-social  clas- 
sicalness,  one  might  say.  This  is  a  state  of 
things  you  will  find  in  all  college  or  academy 
towns,  er,  and  is-er  generated  and  fostered 
by  the  Academy  and  those-er  connected  with 
its-er-well  being." 

"But  how  about  the  people?"  queried  the 
new-comer.  "There  are,  of  course,  desirable 
acquaintances  to  be  made  among  the  towns 
people,  are  there  not?" 

"Oh-er-yes,  yes.  Some  fine  old  residents 
here,  some  educated  people,  some  cultivated 
and  travelled  people.  You  will  find  them  in 
every  Academy  town." 

Here  followed  a  public  enumeration  of  the 


A    Few   Neighbors  213 

fine  old  people  whose  acquaintance  would  be 
desirable,  but,  although  we  waited  expect 
antly,  we  did  not  hear  our  name  mentioned. 

Following  this,  came  a  specification  of  the 
educated  people  whose  acquaintance  would 
be  a  distinct  social  boost  to  one  desiring  to 
cast  his  lot  in  our  town.  To  our  keen  disap 
pointment,  our  name  did  not  appear  in  this 
list. 

Finally,  the  anxiously  awaited  list  of  cul 
tivated  and  travelled  people,  whose  patron 
age  meant  social  distinction  to  one  desiring 
to  enter  the  exclusive  circle,  arrived. 

We  hesitated  with  breathless  interest,  like 
one  waiting  to  be  reprieved,  but  no  reprieve 
came.  Our  sentence  was  absolute.  We  took 
out  our  handkerchief  and  wiped  our  clammy 
brow. 

It  had  come.  In  spite  of  our  heart-break 
ing  efforts  for  recognition,  we  were  outside 
the  pale.  True,  our  grandfather  had  been  a 


214  ^    Few   Neighbors 

member  of  the  legislature  and  our  great 
uncle  had  been  a  Justice  of  the  Peace.  True, 
we  had  on  one  occasion  been  as  far  west  as 
DeWitt,  Iowa ;  yet  we  were  neither  a  fine  old 
resident,  an  educated,  a  cultivated  nor  a 
travelled  person.  It  was  a  dreadful  awaken 
ing  for  us  and  we  have  not  yet  had  the  cour 
age  to  break  it  to  our  wife. 

Nor  will  we,  for  yet  there  is  hope.  We 
have  been  invited  to  deliver  the  G.  A.  R. 
Decoration  Day  oration  in  a  neighboring 
town  next  May.  We  have  five  months  to 
prepare.  With  hard  and  patient  work  that 
will  be  enough.  We  will  commence  at  once. 


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